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What is a reasonable night out ? And how often ?

(27 Posts)
pippylongstockings Sat 11-Jul-09 12:33:51

My DP went out last night and came home at the un-godley hour of 6am!

I have had to go to work this morning v.v.unhappy that I have had to leave our children in his care and I have been up half the night fretting he is lying in a ditch!

He went out last weekend on a bender and I had kindly gone to stay at my mums for 2 nights so he could have friends to stay etc.

Whilst in part it is because a friend of his is back from Austrailia so he want's to catch up, part of it seems to be he just goes on mad benders once a year until I go mental and tell him he has to sort himself out or leave.
Recently, he has been out 4 weekends in a row all of which have involved alot of drinking and very late nights/early morning. Prior to that in early June he went on a stag do all weekend, which we had to re-arrange our family holiday for just so he could go.

I am pissed off with feeling like 2nd best to his social life. We go out as a couple about 3 times a year!

He thinks that even going out just once a month is being hard done by - but it's the knock on effect, he then sleeps all day to catch up, vast amounts of money pee'd up the wall, me and the kids get to spend weekends alone.

What is reasonable ? Once a month home by midnight? it seems so bloody childish to be having to discuss a curfew!

dreamteamgirl Sat 11-Jul-09 12:44:24

Unless it is under very extreme circumstances then I think 4 weekends in a row is a bit much.

Oooh just read it is because a friend is over for a holiday. Is that the reason for all 4 nights out?

Things DO come up in all in a row sometimes- my ex had our son 3 Saturday nights in a row because I had various things on (Hen night, wedding, birthday party) but prior to that I hadnt been out for about 2 months, so I dont consider 3 nights out in 12 week OTT

Sorry I am probably not helping much!

So YABU to say he shouldnt go out at all but YANBU to say that he needs to keep up his share of the childcare regardless of going out. God I am rubbish at this!!

stitchtime Sat 11-Jul-09 12:56:45

once a month, home by two am.
occasional, rare exceptions allowed
four weekends in a row, is taking the piss

crazylizzy Sat 11-Jul-09 12:57:21

I agree with dreamreamgirl, sometimes things just do seem to come back to back. I think though that it's very important that you get your "time off" too and get a chance to go out or whatever.

YANBU to feel a bit peeved at it, but YABU to set a curfew or limit the amount of nights he can go out. What would happen in the future if you found yourself in the situation with big do's that happen to fall back to back? It would be fair that you would only go to one and then be home by 12 right? smile

foxinsocks Sat 11-Jul-09 12:57:51

is he 18?

MissSunny Sat 11-Jul-09 13:03:46

Message withdrawn

pippylongstockings Sat 11-Jul-09 13:07:53

In his mind he is forever stuck at 18!!!

Peter Pan syndrome - unfortunatley for him he is twice that at age 36.

I don't want to set a curfew it seems bloody ridiculous. But I feel there needs to be a compramise, and a starting point otherwise I am left holding the fort always, not much of a family if one person is opting out.

stitchtime Sat 11-Jul-09 13:11:23

misssunny, those are the restrictions i would set for myself, therefor think it fair to be set for other half. however flexibility is the key. and yes, i agree, things do sometimes happen back to back. but staying out till six am, really is taking the piss, when you know thatyou have to take care of kids the next day coz your partned has to go to work

pippylongstockings Sat 11-Jul-09 13:15:27

Miss Sunny - I'm jealous that's great if as a couple you get to go out twice a month. We can't afford to go out that much & don't have family we could call on to baby sit that much.

London life with 1 child is probably different to Devon life with 2 kids in the middle of major house renovations.
envy

It's the knock on effect of coming home at an godly hour - disturbing my sleep, me dealing with the kids all weekend on my own while he sleeps it off. or like today I have had to leave them in the drunken care of their father whilst I am at work. Not ideal!

LoveBeingAMummy Sat 11-Jul-09 13:21:24

Not asure what to advise as my DH is asleep next to me after getting in at 3am this morning!!!!!!

CyradisTheSeer Sat 11-Jul-09 13:59:08

Message withdrawn

foxinsocks Sat 11-Jul-09 16:02:42

it's horrible that he can't self regulate tbh. I would actually leave him with the kids more often - are they at an age where he has to look after them (i.e. not a bit older where they do their own thing?).

Sounds like to me he is chancing his arm. He knows you've reacted before and he's seeing how far he can get before you tell him to sort himself out!

moondog Sat 11-Jul-09 16:05:06

Going out is one thing, being pissed in chargeo f kids another.Did he know before going out that you would have to go to work and leave kids with him?

I would have gone nuts.

bigchris Sat 11-Jul-09 16:08:34

I go out once a fortnight until about 11pm

Dh goes out once a week until about midnight, but that is going out with mates not drinking as he is tee total

moondog Sat 11-Jul-09 16:12:32

Why would one go out until midnight unless drinking? grin
What does he do?

bigchris Sat 11-Jul-09 16:13:28

his hobby grin

bigchris Sat 11-Jul-09 16:13:44

or the cinema

moondog Sat 11-Jul-09 16:14:22

Oooh, what is his hobby than? grin

pippylongstockings Sat 11-Jul-09 21:09:58

Yes, he knew I had to go to work - we even had a convo about it before he went out, where I suggested that coming home by 1am or so would be reasonable.

He says he met up with his friend and then before he knew it it was 3am, and he knew he would be in trouble, so rather than come home he went to a friends flat and crashed out for a few hours!

DP finally gave up at 5pm today and went to bed which is where he still is!

If it was just a one off then not a problem shit happens but this is such regular opt out I feel p'eed off that me and the kids take 2nd place.

SerendipitousHarlot Sat 11-Jul-09 21:22:21

Ok, I'm a little bit confused.

Did you not start a thread the other day along the lines of 'should he be allowed to go out?' ? Or have I dreamt it?

bigchris Sat 11-Jul-09 21:25:13

his hobby is dungeons and dragons type saddo stuff

pippylongstockings Sat 11-Jul-09 21:28:56

No, not me I didn't start a thread about should he be allowed to go out?

Did start a thread about being p'orf about the fact I had been away for the weekend to allow DP to have a lads weekend and when I got home after helping my sister I found my DP upstairs in bed fast asleep, while my 4yo was left alone.

SerendipitousHarlot Sun 12-Jul-09 18:59:17

Ah. I KNEW I'd seen the mention about the friend from Australia!

plimple Sun 12-Jul-09 19:11:55

He's totally out of order and probably knows it.
If he can't be home at a sensible hour when he's in charge of kids the next day then he can't go out.
My DP usually has an after work drink on a Friday and is home by 12 or 1 which is fine by me. He does still have childless mates who he goes out with once in a while and I encourage him to turn it into a bender if he wants to get it out of his system if I have plans for the next day.
If he was in charge of DD and came in at 6am I'd invite his Mum to help with DD and make it well known he'd been an irresponsible nob end.

Rollergirl1 Sun 12-Jul-09 21:13:25

You don't mention but do you ever get the chance to go out? And I think everyone agrees that 4 weekends out till the early hours is excessive but how much is alright with you?

I have to admit that out of me and my husband I probably go out more at the weekends with girlfriends. This usually involves a night out in london (where most of my mates still are) and i usually stay at a friends house so hubby has the kids on his own overnight. This happens about once every couple of months. Whereas DH gets his fix of drinking with mates during the week after work. Or probably two fridays in a month he'll go out for a big expenses-paid lunch, not go back to the office and sillyness ensues until he rocks up here about 11.00 talking gibberish and being belligerent. And is then totally helpless till early afternoon the next day. Is a bit annoying but I can handle the frequency.

It just depends on what is acceptable to you/

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