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To Think We Are

(75 Posts)
Aeschylus Fri 10-Jul-09 08:29:25

Heading for a generation where Relationships are Disposable

Dont get me wrong I am no Fuddy Duddy, I am not afraid of change, but having again meeting the 4th man in my DW's Sisters life, she has a 12 year old, how the hell is he ever going to grow up into a stable relationship when as soon as he gets close to another Step Dad they leave (not always the mans fault)

Having heard last night the saddest stastitic I have heard in a long while.

1 in 4 chrildren NEVER know their biological Father. 25% FFS

55% of chrildren no longer live with both their Biological Parents.

if you split or change partner whilst your Child is between the ages of 9 to 12 it does irrepable damage to the child.

I am stunned at those stats.

TrillianAstra Fri 10-Jul-09 08:39:16

Where did you get those stats from?

Sheeta Fri 10-Jul-09 08:42:32

hmm source for those stats please?

bubblagirl Fri 10-Jul-09 08:42:51

i think now days its not so unacceptable to get out if not happy years ago people stayed for the children were not happy but would not be seen divorcing

i think if people are happy then stay but dont do it for the children many damaged children from parents thinking there doing right

if your unhappy then leave as long as the childs not affected by the new partners then i dont see no wrong in it if the relationship doesnt work what can you do

i have a friend who is a regular dater and it hasnt affected her children she has no choice she's single she is a mum and wants to start dating again she shields them from meeting children if she can but not always possible children might wake up while his there etc

i think if its done the right way the children will not be damaged they will be more so from seeing there parents fighting all the time trying to hold it together for the kids sake

bubblagirl Fri 10-Jul-09 08:44:23

a mum or a dad can be a strong enough role model that anyone new coming in doesnt have to affect the child and the child doesnt have to look apon anyone else to be a role model

KingRolo Fri 10-Jul-09 08:50:21

How many children do you think grew up without their biological father after the two world wars?

How many children grew up without one or both of their biologcal parents during the industrial revolution when life expectancy in major cities was in the late 20s?

The notion of a 'family' being married mum, dad and 2.4 children all under one roof has never been the norm.

SoupDragon Fri 10-Jul-09 08:54:25

There is a vast difference between losing a parent and having a parent f*ck off to screw someone else. I do think people no longer work to solve relationship problems as they once did, viewing them as disposable like the OP says.

Wilts Fri 10-Jul-09 09:02:17

I can assure you there would have been irreparable damage done to my Ds1 had I stayed with his violent, abusive father.

Therefore my child is one of those 55% that only live with only one bio parent, poor child hmm

Callisto Fri 10-Jul-09 09:05:29

Actually the notion of 'family' has been going on in some form or other since the stone age. Historically, it was unusual for children to be brought up without a father, mainly for economic reasons. It has also been shown in the US that black children, esp boys, from deprived areas struggle more because they have no male role models.

Until I came across MN, I had no idea how many women get involved with idiotic, irresponsible and immature men. It's no wonder the divorce rate is so high, but why get involved with a wanker in the first place?

Callisto Fri 10-Jul-09 09:07:20

I think domestic violence is slightly different though Wilts. In general people are far more likely to treat a relationship as temporary, even if they get married.

Wilts Fri 10-Jul-09 09:10:31

Callisto- I didn't chose to get involved with a wanker. I didn't go on my first date with him and get punched, that happened much later on ( during pregnancy as it happens)

I could not have predicted how he would have turned out. I would not actively chose to have a relationship or child with someone that was a total twat.

These things do however, happen. It is therefore up to me to raise DS1 in the best way possible.

Wilts Fri 10-Jul-09 09:11:03

Callisto- sorry cross post

Callisto Fri 10-Jul-09 09:16:29

Well quite, men who are violent seem to be very clever at hiding it and enticing women to see them as protective and loving rather than controlling and jealous. Good for you for getting out though, it must have been very hard. Pregnancy seems to be a catalyst for dv though, I wonder why?

Wilts Fri 10-Jul-09 09:18:54

Callisto- Sorry I appear to have been on my very high horse after reading those stats grin

DippyFarquhar Fri 10-Jul-09 09:19:29

I wish I'd realised sooner, after my husband left us, that I didn't need a man to complete my family then I wouldn't have tried so desperately (and failed) to make subsequent relationships work.

Meeting someone when you've already got children is always hard. It's only because I always felt, and still do feel sometimes, that we weren't a proper family without a partner/father that I've put up with all sorts of stupidness to try and make relationships work. I realised far too late that I'm better off on my own.

KingRolo Fri 10-Jul-09 09:22:23

"Actually the notion of 'family' has been going on in some form or other since the stone age"

Of course it has. I didn't say it hadn't. What I said was that the 'traditional' isolated nuclear family, that we hand-wring over the demise of, is a relatively recent invention. Many, many children have lived in 'broken' families since the beginning of time.

Wilts Fri 10-Jul-09 09:30:36

I am also not sure if I think it is a bad thing that relationships may be seen as 'disposable'.

How long should you keep trying to make things work if there have been problems in the relationship?.

Should there be a 'scale' of things worth trying for? eg yes we try and make it work if its dirty socks on the floor grin but no we won't if its domestic violence. Where do affairs stand in all of this?

plantsitter Fri 10-Jul-09 09:37:11

Would like to know how 'irreparable damage' is measured. Also don't believe the 25% statistic sorry.

I do think relationships are more transient. I think we may have to wait a few more years to see what the results of this are though.

Tambajam Fri 10-Jul-09 09:39:57

My parents split when I was in that age bracket. I repaired quite nicely, thank you.

1 in 4 statistic sounds very dubious. Source please.

Wilts Fri 10-Jul-09 09:42:27

I would also like to see the source for the statistics.

cory Fri 10-Jul-09 09:43:47

Callisto Fri 10-Jul-09 09:05:29 Add a message | Report post | Contact poster

"Historically, it was unusual for children to be brought up without a father, mainly for economic reasons."

Historically, it was extremely common for children to be brought up by a stepfather or a stepmother, due to the high mortality rates.

Do you think things were really that much rosier in the days of my greatgrandmother, who after her husband's death had to marry a 20-year younger alcoholic farmhand to save her children from the poorhouse auction? (they auctioned children off to the lowest bidder- which of course could include any sadistic paedophile that came along). I can assure you my grandfather did not have a happy and secure childhood with this man. But no doubt he was saved from something even worse.

cory Fri 10-Jul-09 09:45:19

Would add that when I did social history, our lecturer told us that there were more unmarried mothers in our city in the 1880s than in the 1980s. The industrial revolution was terribly destructive of family stability.

KingRolo Fri 10-Jul-09 09:47:23

Yes, my parents spilt when I was 9 and I am fine - and in a very stable, happy marraige. I was lucky enough to find a good man.

Agree that 'disposing' of bad relationships can only be a good thing, whether children are involved or not.

I have worked in old folks homes and the number of eldery women who have told me tales of woe about their abusive, philandering husbands is pitiful. So many wasted lives.

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Fri 10-Jul-09 09:49:49

I always get really sad when i hear of families breaking up. I think people should make an effort to stay together, for the sake of the children, for the sake of what they have shared. But, for some people this isn't possible, some women are married to abusive partners. Some people are faced with such pressures (mostly financial) that relationships are damaged to the point that staying together is actually a bad thing.

My parents rowed all the time, i mean ALL the time - i hated it. I wish they had split up instead of staying togehter for my sake. Makeing themselves even more unhappy, and me in the process.

I was a single parent to DD1, she is one of those statistics who never knew her biological father. Better that way i think than to have known him and have him mess her around. I was lucky to meet DP when DD1 was just two and we have been together for 17 years. Not married, i hope that doesn't offend the OP!

What is a single mother supposed to do? Be alone for the rest of her life? Settle for the first man that comes along, assuming that he is ready to settle with her. Or, have relationships like other single people, some more serious than others, until hopefully, if thats what they want, they find their soul mate. Thats normal behaviour isn't it. I do think there is a responsibility NOT to turn any new man into a "step parent". I was with DP for five years before we moved in together, at no point did we have him as DDs "daddy". She was 7 when he moved in, he is her Dad in all but name and biology, but she calls him XXXX as we never made her call him daddy when she was young. My DD is a pretty together,happy 19 year old thankyou very much.

People can be so fecking judgemental - i knew there was a reason i prefer my dog

KingCanuteIAm Fri 10-Jul-09 10:01:49

"irrepable damage" like what? I mean damage is a fairly wide area isn't it? Who says what is damage, who says what is attributed to the breakup? Would the fact that the child misses the other parent be damage or normal? What is the child stood to damaged far more by the parent staying, is that offset in these statistics?

The whole area is to huge to make a few sweeping statements about.

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