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AIBU?

to expect husband to take care of his own things

15 replies

hungrierhippo · 08/07/2009 09:21

He is forever losing stuff and expecting me to find it. I realise most men are like this but he has moved onto level 2 where he doesn't take any repsonsibility for anything that he owns, in the belief that if he does nothing it will be my responsibility.

For example. He comes home and empties his pockets onto the kitchen counter, despite having a box on his dressing table which I thoughfully bought him for he purpose. 4 days later he needs a business card which he claims he put there and blames me for either tidying it or throwing it away.

He has an entire room of our house as his office for his bloody bits of paper even though he no longer works from home.

He is also constantly complaining that I never take collar stiffners and cufflinks out of his shirts before I wash them . I have given him short shrift on that.

So he has gone to work muttering that these numbers were really important and I should be more careful with his stuff . Meanwhile I was giving DS1 his breakfast, breastfeeding DS2.

I should add that he is a good bloke really, as long as you don't mind looking after a 3rd child.

Grr.

OP posts:

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oliverboliverbutt · 08/07/2009 09:28

grrr for you.
sounds exactly like my husband. He takes off his stuff anywhere and everywhere and expects me to know where it is.
Truth is, I usually do, but have stopped telling him.
He makes it really unpleasant in the morning when he is looking for the stuff.

Sorry to make it AAM - if you figure out how to get him to change this annoying habit, please tell me!!!

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MayorNaze · 08/07/2009 09:28

dh can be a bit like this. does he mean it when he rants at you or is he just ranting IYSWIM? i know dh is just ranting so i smile and nod and take no notice. i also go round the house collecting up stuff he has just dumped and leave it in a neat pile on his side of the bed.

make a list of stuff he is responsible for ie the shirt collar things (that is So not my job ) and also stick it to his side of the bed.

good luck

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LaurieFairyCake · 08/07/2009 09:29

I have a random bits of paper 'system'. Anything not in its proper place in the reception rooms and kitchen gets put in a plastic folder at the front door.

I live in a very small house so it's easy to see piles of crap everywhere.

Oh, and money gets put in the coin sorter at the front door for saving for ice creams on holiday.

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Longtalljosie · 08/07/2009 09:29

Acquire carrier bag.

Put all dumped stuff on kitchen counters therein.

Refer him to carrier bag each time he wants to know where things are.

Do not wash shirts with cufflinks / stiffeners still attached.

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muddleduck · 08/07/2009 09:30

I'd take anything of his that you find and dump it in a heap in his office. He can sort it all out from there.

Like when I was 10 and my mum used to dump all my stuff in a heap on my bed

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melmog · 08/07/2009 09:35

What Muddleduck and Longtalljosie said. I sweep everything of his into one pile and shove it in a paper filing thingy.

They are all the same.

Mine stands at the worktop and will say "where is my wallet/key/sausage" and it will be right under his nose. I swear he looks for things with his eyes shut.

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hungrierhippo · 08/07/2009 09:36

Some of these are good plans but I going to try being tougher.

I'm hoping that losing these important numbers might buck his ideas up a bit.

Already I take no responsibility for collar stiffners or cufflinks or anything left in pockets. If they are lost in the machine then tough.

Any any money I find I keep!

He doesn't rant at me, just general noise which I have learnt to ignore so it rarely results in a row. I think he now just expects that I run his life for him and gets taken aback when sometimes I don't

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sunnydelight · 08/07/2009 09:40

I'd sit him down and tell him it's a very slippery slope relationship-wise when what should be an adult-adult relationship turns into a parent-child one, i.e. "what have you done with my stuff". His stuff, his responsibility, tell him to take it. I would also tell him it's VERY unsexy to think of your husband as a third child to look after He's soon get your meaning.

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passionfruity · 08/07/2009 09:40

My DH was like this but I am slowly re-training him:

I've put an ice-cream tub on his desk for his keys, wallet, phone, sunglasses etc and if he leaves them lying around I put them in there.

I've stopped helping him look for things he can't find and have told him (nicely) that it's his problem not mine. I just smile sweetly and ignore him when he starts complaining that I'm making him late by not helping him look for things. I also explain that the extra minutes, hours a year he wastes looking for things could be spent doing fun things. It seems to be working so far!

When he repeatedly left his shoes in the middle of the bedroom floor for me to trip over after I'd asked him not to several times, I said I would throw them out of the window the next time.

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hungrierhippo · 08/07/2009 09:44

Trouble is I really remember doing this to my mum.

'but I left it on my bedroom floor and now it's not there!'

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Sunshinemummy · 08/07/2009 09:47

Oh this is so frustrating. My DP is exactly the same. He's always losing things and will shout and pout until I work back logically and find it for him. He leaves things in totally random places (the shoes in the middle of the floor thing totally rings a bell with me). He's always wandering off with the keys for the back door or the remote control so I have to scour the house for them.

I have no advice. Lots of empathy though.

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motherinferior · 08/07/2009 09:48

Most men AREN'T like this. I've lived with three. All untidy, none expecting me to find their stuff.

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UpSinceCrapOClock · 08/07/2009 09:48

Dh can be like this - in the end I got really fed up with constant piles of crap paper and bits everywhere (despite him also having an office which is, yes, stuffed with carrier bags and boxes of collective crap from over the years). I used to just dump the stuff on his desk but then it started just piling up there instead. In the end I said to him straight that I didn't want to live like that and that anything in the general living space that wasn't in its proper place would just get thrown away regardless of what it was. That was his 'warning' (yes, 3rd child indeed!) so he couldn't complain if I did throw something away.

Laundry - we have 2 laundry bins and I don't wash any clothes that haven't been put in them. It's also his responsibility to check pockets etc. Again, I made this clear (because we were in a cycle of not rowing about it but me being very silently resentful towards him but still clearing up after him and that wasn't fair on my part either as his mum had always done everything for him, so he didn't realise my resentment until I spoke to him about it. Not saying this is your case though!)

Good luck!

ps, 4 years on and DH is definitely way better than when we moved in together and even tidies up of his own accord when he thinks about it.

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UpSinceCrapOClock · 08/07/2009 09:51

Cross posted with lots of people there!

But agree with the advice - especially telling him straight that it is an adult-adult relationship not a parent-child one (otherwise does that mean you'd get to ground him if he doesn't clear up his stuff?!) and also telling him it's his problem not yours.

Just read that back to myself and I do sound pretty mean and hard, I'm not really (I'm a worse person when I am a silent and very resentful 'servant'!)