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to expect exH to do as he agreed?

(16 Posts)
bratnav Tue 07-Jul-09 14:57:06

exH agreed at the start of the year that he would have our 2 DDs every other weekend (as he had been doing anyway) plus one week each of the Christmas and Easter holidays, one of the 3 half terms and 2 weeks in the summer holidays.

He said when we collected the DDs from him last weekend that he was struggling to get the time off work for one of the weeks during the summer holidays.

DH and I asked him to either arrange childcare whilst he was working, or pay for childcare for the week that he was supposed to have them so that I can still do my PT self employed work and have time to rest as DS is due on 5th September. He wont do either and what really boils my piss (sorry) is that he keeps stating that "It's not my responsibility" angry

Seriously, AIBU? If I am I can back off, but I really have got seriously riled by the "you are primary carer, it's up to you to sort it out" comments.

SecretNinjaChipmunk Tue 07-Jul-09 15:00:55

YANBU!!!! what a cock (sorry). they are his dd's aswell as yours so it is equally his responsibility to care for them, however that may be done. i would have gone mental at him for saying something like that. if shouting and anger won't work can you shame him into it by telling him how much he is letting his dd's down? poor you, i really hope you get it sorted.

MadameDefarge Tue 07-Jul-09 15:10:58

hm. Yes he is being a bit of an arse with the comments, but it can be hard to take so much time off. I think you should organise the week of childcare, and get him to pay for it.

I know you wanted the time also to rest up before the baby, but in the grand scheme of things, if you had been together you would not have got that time, so I think you have to take that on the chin. I mean, that is just a nice byproduct for you of the arrangement with exdh, not a part of the reason why you share the time.

MadameDefarge Tue 07-Jul-09 15:12:08

Sorry, just reread your post....that he won't pay for the childcare. Twunt.

MadameDefarge Tue 07-Jul-09 15:15:55

Having said all that, though, my ex was totally flakey for years about this. He would cancel weekends because he had a cold, or was feeling depressed....once went to Canada for six months declaring he would never come back....etc.

Lots of deep breathing and now it is pretty much ok.

Surfermum Tue 07-Jul-09 15:22:30

Lol @ "boils my piss" grin.

But no, YANBU. Whenever dsd has been here and we've had to work she goes to a holiday club. And that's even if she is here for more than the original court order. It wouldn't occur to me to say that we couldn't have her or expect her mum to pay if we had to work.

To me it's like the argument what we do with her in dh's time with her is down to us we wouldn't expect her mum to dictate where she can and can't go and who she can see... same thing, it's dh's time, it's our responsibility.

bratnav Tue 07-Jul-09 16:06:36

Sorry, back from school run smile

My favourite part is always when he lets them down on a fairly frequent basis in this way, then I complain to him that it is not fair to either the DDs or me, I am unreasonable and immature and he is going to apply for full custody hmm

JetLi Tue 07-Jul-09 17:05:09

shock shock and thrice shock
What an utter cock.
YANBU.

Lulumama Tue 07-Jul-09 17:07:01

he is going to apply for full custody but can;t stick to seeing them every other weekend

hmm

what a twunt

YANBU

they are still both of your children . it is not just your responsibility

i can't believe the way some father;s can compartmentalise their own children when a marriage breaks down

bratnav Tue 07-Jul-09 19:26:02

Thank God, this is the problem with him, he is sooo adamant that he is right I occasionally start to wonder if I am going mad.

Currently trying to stop DH from phoning him and telling him that the DDs have a new Daddy so he can f off now, not sure I want to really sad

macdoodle Tue 07-Jul-09 19:40:47

oh mine is the same twats twats twats twats!!!!
He regularly cancels last minute "to punish me" , I am now past caring but I sooooo get the "boiling piss"!!!
Much sympathy

bratnav Wed 08-Jul-09 09:10:59

I just wish that although it is irritating to say the least to me and DH, the only people who really get upset by his cancelling are the DDs sad

Not that I would ever say anything to them, but perhaps if he realised how hurt they would be by the 'they're not my responsibility' comments he might change the way he thinks about it.

macdoodle Wed 08-Jul-09 14:58:51

yup exactly - I tried to tell him that the only people he was hurting was himself and his DD's - he told me I was a jealous, bitter bitch and he could do as he liked
I am afraid I have given up, my lovely new DP is more than happy to spend time with the girls so we just do something as a "family" - but my god the hurt on DD1 face is hard he just never seems to see it !

Boys2mam Wed 08-Jul-09 15:15:16

I don't think YABU but as primary carer is it not your responsibility to maintain the childcare arrangements?

I wouldn't dream of expecting my waste of space ex to cover any part of the summer holidays, I would be having DS anyway and its up to me to organise his care out of school. I'm not saying I think its right, its just our arrangement (admittedly due to geography but thats how it is).

The fact that exH agreed is more the issue. Is it an informal agreement you have?

bratnav Wed 08-Jul-09 17:23:52

It is an informal agreement between us, but I am beginning to think that maybe a consent order might be a good idea.

I wouldn't really call it 'childcare'. He agreed to 2 weeks in the summer holidays, if he can't manage it for whatever reason, he should find a way to sort that out, not me.

Boys2mam Thu 09-Jul-09 07:57:41

If he is unreliable and then a twat awkward about things he's already agreed to then I would agree something more formal is needed.

Sad for the kids that things have to get to this but at least you all know where you stand.

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