lovely ILs being overbearing(13 Posts)
I feel really mean moaning about my ILs as they are letting us stay at their house completely free and they send me back to bed if I get up at 7am with DD and tell me to get some sleep (I'm pregnant) They have taken DD out to the shops at the moment.
My problem is that are are just so intense. My FIL in particular just doesn't seem to be able to leave DD alone. EG if somebody wakes her from her nap, she likes to sit quietly for fifteen minutes or so and drink some juice while she comes round. He picks her up and shows her things, tries to get her playing games and tickles her, which usually ends in her crying because she isn't properly awake yet. I've tried staying in her bedroom with her while she wakes up and just lying down on her bed next to her quietly, but he comes in and takes her out so I can get some sleep apparently.
Another sore point is mealtimes. Up till now, DD has been a brilliant eater, we have a philosophy of just not making a fuss, just sitting down and eating the same thing around the table with her, and letting her eat as much as she fancies, but not giving her pudding if she hasn't really made a decent attempt at the main course. FIL fusses over her all through the meal, when she picks up a vegetable or anything that he doesn't think is child's food, he tells her lots of other children don't eat those kind of things, he takes things off her fork to cut them up even smaller so they are harder for her to manage unless somebody feeds her, which he then does, along with babyfied aeroplane noises and so on. She is quickly learning that mealtimes are a great time to make a fuss and get everyone's attention, when before she was happy to listen and join in with the dinnertime conversation. He also tells her halfway through the meal what is for pudding, so she immediately forgets the main course and wants the pudding straightaway. She is eating much less healthily now, and demanding snacks all the time between meals, most of which she has one bite of then leaves. He is even sometimes making her a separate meal from the adults, which is something I have always said I will never do.
This would all be easy to deal with if we were here once or twice a week, but we live here at the moment and it is doing my head in! I try to take charge of her, but every time I as much as start running her a bath or put her clothes in the machine, they jump in and start fussing and telling me how to do it so much that I give in and just let them do it!
How can I subtly let them know that I would like some time with my own child, without making them think I am ungrateful for all their help? I am very tired with the pregnancy, so the help is very valuable, but it's getting to the point where they are apologising if they both have to be out and leave me and DD on our own, as if I don't know how to look after my own daughter! If i say I'm going to take her shopping they make a huge fuss about me going on the bus, telling me exactly which bus to get and where to get off and how many nappies to take and so on. I feel like a teenage babysitter!
We are about to move to a house three doors down from them, and I am dreading them coming round every day to pester me while DP is at work!
Poor you. Well, I would suggest you just get out of the house as much as poss. Being tired with pregnancy must be hard, but if you want some independence, you need to stand up for yourself & manage alone.
Plan some days out, tell them that dd is missing one-to-one with you, and get some independence. It does sound like they are regressing you all - how does your dh feel about this? Are they also treating him like a child again?
You are an adult, and should be treated like one. I feel your pain, I HATE when adults have children, and then seem to think that they are the only adults capable of doing anything, and treat others like kids. I once had a friend come round to my house, sho offered to take my plate & dish out my own take-away, as if holding a spoon was too hard for me ...
My parents are exactly like this. I live 250 miles away from them. Sorry!
I nicely pointed out to my overbearing but nice mother and my equally nice but very intense FIL that,
Thanks for the help but that's not the way I do things and please very nicely to give it a rest. My children my way. Which my mother took very well and my FIL ignored completly but hell I tried.
They can only ride roughshd if you let them.
oh lord my FIL is a lot like this despite my dh's protestations and MILs. it got to a point where dh told him that dd said 'i love grandma but not grandad cos he is a tommy torment (MILs name for FIL!)' but he STILL carries on jigging and poking her and saying things like 'ooooh sprouts you don't want to eat those icky things hahahahah!!!' thankfully dd retorts with confidence 'actually grandad i do like sprouts.' so we're ok.
and thankfully we do not live with them. any way you can move out?
I wouldn't find that lovely, I would find it intensely irritating as I hate being fussed over and would have said something by now, mind you there's no way I'd live in the same street as any of my relatives or husband's, even same town would be pushing it. You need to be more assertive, difficult in someone else's house. I'd chase out FIL when he comes in your room when you're with your daughter and tell him you enjoy spending time quietly together when she's just woken up.
re the eating, you need to discuss this when daughter in bed and lay down agreed rules re her eating, discuss it with husband first then present united front to inlaws. It sounds as though you're regressing to being a passive stroppy teenager and letting your inlaws parent your daughter.
I don't think you have a leg to stand on, seeing that they are keeping you and yours for nowt.
Aren't you a grown up?
Move out and then you can do what you want.
Poor PILs.They can't bloody win can they?
I am desperately trying to rent a house! Our previous house fell through with one weeks notice (long, complex story) so we had to move in with our parents, i started off with mine, but as we were moving to this area anyway, we decided we were better off together at his parents. As soon as we came up here, we put a holding deposit down on a house (the first one we saw) and the estate agents have now been messing about for a month! Hopefully we should be in the house by the weekend.
I still think you are moaning overn othing and being generally ungrateful.
People can be told to clear off when you are indepnedent.
Do you think it feels worse now, because freedom is so close?
When you get into your house yo uare going to have some tricky negotiations to do. But you may be grateful for them when the nexy baby comes. I would try to grin and bear it for now and then when you are more sorted and less tired (which may be quite some time away) start managing quite how often they try to pop in unannounced etc.
It's going to be tricky though as presumably you will be wanting the babysitting without the full-time presence - hard when they are 3 doors away, and harder still if they have no concept of giving you space.
I am grateful, very much so, which is what makes it so hard. If it was my parents I would feel comfortable just explaining how we do things and it would be fine, but as we used to live so far from the ILs, we used to only see them once every couple of months, so I don't know them that well. I have stood up to them a couple of times, once when FIL took DD out in the car without a car seat and once when she fell and bit her tongue and just wanted a cuddle off me and her dad and they were fussing and making her cry even more. That time i ended up storming off to her room with her and giving her a cuddle in a darkened room, which made her immediately calm down so I could check she wasn't seriously injured.
just in general conversation could you not say that you have been reading up about eating, for example, and would like to try it like this becuase of these reasons (as you've written at the top), and get them on board as though they are partly introducing it too? make them think it';s partly their idea? i find with my IL's that they just do it the way they think is right but once i gently explain 'our way' they are usually only too happy to oblige - i think they quite like being given 'strategies' to try. if they start waggling toys etc when he's tired, i just explain that he;s overstimulated and needs some down-time and they are fine with it.
when you've moved out i would pre-empt them popping in all the time by asking them to text/ring first in case you are expecting other people. or you could have pre-arranged times when they are ok to pop in - e.g. invite them to come at specified time each day to do a specified thing, eg story time or walk in pram - that way you could avoid meal / nap times.
btw i don't think you are ungrateful at all. i would feel exactly the same. they've had their turn at being parents, now its your turn!!! good luck
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