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To have nothing to do with my neice?

(161 Posts)
gymknicks Mon 06-Jul-09 20:28:18

I am estranged from my sister(long story).

We both have one child, her DD is four months older than my DS who is eighteen months. I have met her daughter once at a very awkward family gathering when the children were four and eight months respectively.

I am very very angry with my sister and am (on the whole) much happier now that I have nothing whatsoever to do with her. I am aware that the situation is very hard on my parents and our extended family, but unfortunately I can't do anything about that.

My mother has (passive-aggressively)made it very clear that she thinks it's a real shame for my sister's child not to have a relationship with her cousin.

In part, I know that this is because my sister's partner is an only child, so their child does not have any cousins other than my son.

I'm afraid that my POV on this is, well... tough shit. My DC has several cousins whom he sees regularly and has a lovely relationship with, so he's not missing out on experiencing that relationship. It's not my responsibility to make sure that my sister's child's emotional needs are met.

I am very aware that my mother is working up to asking if she can have my son for the weekend and have him meet his cousin.

I honestly cannot bear to see my sister or have anything to do with her, and I don't want her within a hundred feet of my child. I'm afraid that extends to her child also. (I bear my niece no malice at all, just to be clear)

AIBU to stand firm and refuse to allow my mother to orchestrate a meeting?

morningpaper Mon 06-Jul-09 20:32:14

Long story please

Heated Mon 06-Jul-09 20:32:31

Maybe your mother thinks some kind of rapprochement can be achieved through the children?

If all your mother intends is for your dc to be a companion to your sister's dc, a nice idea, I don't see how it can work with the parents being estranged from one another.

morningpaper Mon 06-Jul-09 20:32:42

otherwise obviously we have to say you are being vvv u

FiveGoMadInDorset Mon 06-Jul-09 20:33:18

What an awful attitude you have. DH has nothing to do with his sister but still has a relationship with her sons as they have NOTHING whatsoever to do with his problems he has with her.

YABVU

sazlocks Mon 06-Jul-09 20:33:47

hard to make an informed comment really without knowing any background. Is your sister likely to be harmful to your DS ?

AnyFucker Mon 06-Jul-09 20:34:59

you will have to tell us what your sister did, I'm afraid

oodlesofpoodles Mon 06-Jul-09 20:35:17

Do you and your sis both live close to your mother?

Lulumama Mon 06-Jul-09 20:35:49

need a lot more info

punishing the child and visiting your sister's problems upon her head is really quite nasty

surely if you bear your niece no malice, as you say, you should let her have a relationship with her cousins?

bigchris Mon 06-Jul-09 20:36:11

I feel so sorry for your mother

No matter what has happened in the past you will have to see your sister at some point anyway

wishingchair Mon 06-Jul-09 20:36:42

Very difficult. No idea to be honest. I have friends who are somewhat like this and I think it is a big shame their children aren't close given they are similar ages, and I would LOVE my DCs to have cousins they could play with. Without knowing the details (and fully understand you don't want to share), the situation is impossible to judge. If the reason for your estrangement is horrific then quite understand the no contact stance. If it was sisterly nonsense that just built up (not trying to trivialise, just showing different ends of spectrum) then I think it is very sad that you and your sister don't have a relationship, that your children don't and that you don't with your niece and her nephew.

Family matters are always difficult. Think your mum is possibly being most unreasonable, assuming she knows all the details.

FiveGoMadInDorset Mon 06-Jul-09 20:37:42

And for what is worth, we do not allow DC's to see his sister.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion Mon 06-Jul-09 20:37:51

Message withdrawn

Greensleeves Mon 06-Jul-09 20:37:57

I think YANBU

My horror of my mother and sister is so great that I would not risk doing anything that brought us even an inch closer together

and lovely though it would be if we could have sensible extraneous relationships between children etc it just wouldn't work in our family - my mother and sister recognise no behavioural or interpersonal boundaries whatsoever and would weasel through any tiny chink in the armour before you could say "Susan Forward"

so in the absence of further information I think it's perfectly possible that YANBU

crazylizzy Mon 06-Jul-09 20:38:28

I agree with the others, one really can't give an opinion without knowing the full story, even if it's just briefly.

If your sister has a history of violence or if you feel threatened by her then YANBU, however, if it stems from some argument or similar incident, then YABVU.

Children are always sheer victims in these situations, even more so for your niece seeing as your DS is her only cousin sad

wishingchair Mon 06-Jul-09 20:39:12

Also meant to add that in my friends' situation, their mum has a terrible time balancing these estranged siblings and never wanting to upset either one. However she has never pushed them to reconcile (although I think that would maybe be a good thing to do in their case). So I agree with bigchris in that I feel sorry for your mother. But meant that if what happened was truly terrible, then I think she is being a bit unreasonable.

gymknicks Mon 06-Jul-09 20:39:20

No, my sister would not harm my son in any way. I presume you mean physically? Emotionally? Well... She's utter poison and I don't want her near him. Why would I expose my most precious person to the person I loathe most in the world if I can help it?

My sister lives VERY close to my mother. I live two and a half hours away.

I'm thinking about whether I can tell the backstory... sorry, not being deliberately evasive or ignoring those requests.

TrillianAstra Mon 06-Jul-09 20:39:53

It's not really possible to have a relationship with a child that young without having a relationship with its mother.

HerBeatitudeLittleBella Mon 06-Jul-09 20:40:26

If you think your sister would use the cousin's relationship in order to pursue toxic ends with you, then no YANBU.

But it's hard to tell without the background.

LoveBuckets Mon 06-Jul-09 20:40:55

"I honestly cannot bear to see my sister or have anything to do with her, and I don't want her within a hundred feet of my child. I'm afraid that extends to her child also. (I bear my niece no malice at all, just to be clear)"

Is there actually a danger to your child here or just your feelings? Or are you just afraid of the Chinese Whispers and grave-raking that is likely to ensue?

Greensleeves Mon 06-Jul-09 20:41:48

it's true that the children are victimes and it's very sad - however one's priority is understandably one's OWN children

I can't speak for the OP obviously, but in our case the re-establishment of any connection would definitely escalate into a vile abusive mess which would put my children in the middle. And I have promised myself that they are going to grow up free of it. It's very sad that there are family members who have 'done nothing wrong' who we don't see - but life ain't perfect

AvengingGerbil Mon 06-Jul-09 20:41:49

YANBU

Blood may be thicker than water, but it is also a lot messier.

If you have no relationship with sibling, why on earth would anyone expect your children to, just because you happen to have a genetic connection?

idranktheteaatwork Mon 06-Jul-09 20:42:03

YANBU ish.

We are in a similar situation, i had a thread on here about it this week, we have a nephew to dps estranged sister. We are attempting to see him but doubt it will be possible.

sil is trying to use him like some sort of pawn and it is hugely upsetting.

LoveBuckets Mon 06-Jul-09 20:44:32

Sorry, x-posted. Can see your dilemma.

Can I just callously point out that Torchwood is on in 15mins so shall we reconvene at 10pm?grin And then we can think about what Captain Jack would do?

narrator Mon 06-Jul-09 20:44:43

speaking as a child from a similar arrangement

I think it is highly likely that:

Your children will think you are utterly mad

They will be pissed off that you are depriving them of what they will see as a proper family - that they will miss out on proper family christmases, and mother's days, and weddings, all because of your feud

They will resent you greatly for this, until the day you die and your bitterness dies with you

And your neices and extend family will call you "Mad Aunty Gymknicks"

You are deepening this misery (coastal-shelf-like)

You'd be better having counselling, getting over this, and proceeding like a mature adult

Your children will thank you

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