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To make my daughter change schools when she doesn't want to ?

(171 Posts)
Angstisme Sun 05-Jul-09 22:29:13

I have three motivations here
1. She is best friends with a girl who is vile towards her, throws apples at her when she comes to our house to play, lies to get her into trouble, over dominates DD.
Yet she puts up with it day after day, even the child's own mother said I wish one day my DD would turn around and tell her to F* off (which as they are 7 I die but you get the sentiment here). DD has one other child aside of the girl who she's good friends and plays at school with but never outside, so that strikes me they aren't that great friends otherwise the mother would be arranging playdates right ?
I'm outting myself a bit here, but she invited 20 kids to her 7th Birthday and 3 turned up, 3 at least had the decency to tell me.

2. We've just had her sats through, she is absolutely average right across the board, fine but her dad and i have 9 A'Levels and 3 degree's between us, I'm wondering what the hell is going wrong, the other school is more academic.

3. Our eldest is moving no matter what, she cannot stand another day in her current school and whilst she is a year above in reading and english she is behind for maths, another friends child failed 11+ because of her maths, I believe the school doesn't do maths well.

Do I just make her move, I really do want to say I am the adult here, I've made my choice you're moving but of course you never want to see your child crying and upset and I believe she'll put us through that for a while, plus if we've got this wrong there's no going back.

Any advice at all ?

CharlieandLolasMum Sun 05-Jul-09 22:32:21

"2. We've just had her sats through, she is absolutely average right across the board, fine but her dad and i have 9 A'Levels and 3 degree's between us, I'm wondering what the hell is going wrong, the other school is more academic"

Just because you have 3 degrees between you doesn't automatically make your daughter g&t, likewise a parent with no education doesn't mean their child won't end up with a degree.

YANBU about the friendships though.

AnotherFineMess Sun 05-Jul-09 22:32:46

Sorry about this, but I have to say that I think your DD will remember you giving her the right to choose more than she will remember the usual ups and downs of school (having a domineering friend, getting average results - all pretty normal TBH!)

My parents allowed me to choose between my state primary and a scholarship at the tender age of 5 and I still thank them for it to this very day (even if I do sometimes wish they'd pushed for the posh school when I get my payslip wink)

cornsilk Sun 05-Jul-09 22:33:58

Situation 1 could happen at another school.
Don't expect your dd to be academic because you and your dh were. It doesn't always work out like that.

ingles2 Sun 05-Jul-09 22:36:44

well, when I moved my boys in yrs 2 and 3 they didn't seem unhappy as such and they were very worried about leaving their friends. It was only after a few weeks at the new school that I realised ds2 had actually been pretty miserable .They are just finishing their 1st year and they still regularly tell me how much they love school, how it's so much better than the last, how they would never go back.
If you believe the new school is much better than the one she is currently at then move her... It's nice to involve your child in the decision, but really, you are the adult and know better. Send her for a trial day perhaps?

Bramshott Sun 05-Jul-09 22:40:18

Thing is though, most children prefer the familiar, so many will actively state that they DON'T want to move school. Is her current school oversubscribed? Could she try the new one for half a term, with the proviso that she gives it her best shot, but can move back at the end of that time if she really wants to?

fortyplus Sun 05-Jul-09 22:40:20

As a teacher friend of mine once said:

'You can't tell a middle class, educated parent that their child is average'

Angstisme Sun 05-Jul-09 22:41:20

They have had 2 trial days, day 1 they all skipped out loving it all three would have started the next day.
On the 2nd day DD1 loved it, is counting the hours until she can go, our youngest doesn't mind she'll do whatever and is bright as a button she'll do really well where ever she goes too.
It's DD2 who hates change, hated moving house, nearly died when we re did the kitchen.

ingles2 Sun 05-Jul-09 22:42:11

Is it inde or state btw?
IME, once you've left a school, you can't return. I know a parent who tried this and the school refused to have the ds back.

Angstisme Sun 05-Jul-09 22:43:52

Bramshott I think that's the worse thing you can do is let her know there's an option to go back she'll scream blue murder for a term and then go back rather than give it a fair go.
As it happens she's going into year 3 and there are currently 29 in the class so maybe she could go back but i'd rather not.

ingles2 Sun 05-Jul-09 22:45:16

well most children don't like significant change,.. fear of the unknown and all that... You can't really expect her to be thrilled at leaving her friends surely?
And if you're considering a move, you must think the current school is crap, so why would you leave your middle dd there?

Thunderduck Sun 05-Jul-09 22:45:45

Your child is not you. You may be academic but her talents might lay elsewhere. A higher pressure school might be the wrong enviroment for her.

If she's happy there then I'd leave her where she is.

Bramshott Sun 05-Jul-09 22:45:45

Ah, I see. Well if the others are keen, and you know that she always hates change (rather than hating this change in particular), and if you keep at the back of your mind that maybe she could go back if she really hates it, then I think I'd move her.

Angstisme Sun 05-Jul-09 22:48:00

Ah Thunderduck that's just it though is she happy or is she just afraid of the unfamilar, I cannot see how one can be happy when your only friend in the world lies to your dad to get you in trouble (as happened this afternoon).

Clary Sun 05-Jul-09 22:49:51

That sounds a bit grim about her friends.

Also sad about her birthday party. What does she say about all this? And what does her teacher say?

OTOH I am cocnerned about your expectations; I have a degree too but my DS1 needs extra support with some areas. I don't think the school must be doing something wrong if he is not in the top set just because I did well at school hmm.

Why does yr older DD want to move schools? Is the new school a logn way away, or will they still see old friends?

Thunderduck Sun 05-Jul-09 22:50:28

I'd try to deal with the friend issue,that one friend is not her entire experience of school, there will be positives too.

I was bullied badly at school, but I still enjoyed the school itself and enjoyed learning, in spite of the bullying.

ingles2 Sun 05-Jul-09 22:51:52

Wny are you moving your eldest angst?
What are you unhappy with at the school?

Angstisme Sun 05-Jul-09 22:54:36

Clary they haven't got any friends.
They have people they associate with at playtime, I thought DD2 was the more popular of the three but apparently not.
There are no invites to tea, they only go to parties when they are whole class parties, you get the picture.
I have to be honest I did expect that they'd all be bright, certainly the early indications were that she was very good at maths and science in lower years from school reports, I'm worried that something has really has gone wrong.

Thunderduck Sun 05-Jul-09 22:59:03

Relax. It isn't uncommon for children to show particuar aptness for a subject in their early years, only to become average in their later years.

Average isn't a bad word. Really it isn't.

You made a child, not a clone. She may have some similarities to your and your dh but she's her own unique person and you can't expect a mini-me.

My parents certainly didn't get what they expected. I'm completely different from them, and while they'd have liked me to share certain aspects of their interests and abilities, they accept me for who I am, and try to enjoy the unique things about me. That's what should be done imho.

What was right for you as a child may not be right for her.

Angstisme Sun 05-Jul-09 22:59:13

Ingles, we took the kids on holiday last year and DD1 was the first in her class to go to Florida Disney, now she probably did get a bit excited and took presents for everyone in the class and her photo's in showed off a bit (she was 8 at the time) and then basically her two best friends haven't spoken to her since, she's not been allowed into any other new groups and when she's tried to get back with the other two friends the other child's mother stops her (she works at the school). Actually told her daughter not to play with mine.
DD1 will go crazy if she's left there.

Yurtgirl Sun 05-Jul-09 23:00:21

My ds is popular with a group of friends at school but he never gets invited to 'playdates' or loads of parties - so dont take that as an indicator of popularity cos I dont really think it is

Just cos you are clever it doesnt mean your kids will be - my ds is way more clever than I am, so is my mum, intelligance clearly skipped a generation

The mother of the apple throwing child ought to discipline her dd - its not entirely up to your dd to tell her to stop being so horrid

scarletlilybug Sun 05-Jul-09 23:00:59

If it's a state school ,and it has places available, than I don't think the school can refuse to take you back, even if you have already left once. So unless it is oversubscibed, you could probably go back there in teh worse case scenario (I.e change school, things get even worse).

FWIW, personally, I disagree with allowing children to make such big decisions as which school they should go to. Sure, you can and should listen to their views, but ultimately, you are the parent, you are the one with more experience of life and you have to take responsibility for the decision. But, of course, you can try to convey the results of that decision in a non-confronational way and explain why you think that x is the best thing to do, reassiure your child that you think that what you are doing is for the best.

I changed dd's school a year ago. You could probably find the old thread somewhere, when I was dithering about what to do. I knew she wasn't happy at the old school, but it was only when she had been at her new school a few weeks that I could see just how bad things really had been. She is so much happier, more confident and better behaved now than she was a year ago. She now has lots of friends and enjoys school.

As for tha SATS results... maybe she is simply "average" ability. Who knows? It's nothing to be ashamed of. OTOH, I think a child who feels happy and settled is much more likely to achieve her potential - whatever that might turn out to be.


Angstisme Sun 05-Jul-09 23:03:38

Thunderduck I was hoping she wouldn't be getting fruit thrown at her in her own backgarden though and that's a major major consideration too for me, showing her that ignoring invites to your party and telling your dad that you did something when he's just witnessed that you didn't is not normal operating procedure within a friendship.
I'm just worried she'll have no confidence at all by the time she escapes this girl to go to secondary school by which time it might be too late for her to achieve her potential, which is all we want by the way.

cornsilk Sun 05-Jul-09 23:04:50

What did she say that your dd did?

Thunderduck Sun 05-Jul-09 23:05:07

I do agree it's concern, but I'd try to find some other means of dealing with it, before resorting to the upheaval of moving schools, particuarly as many of the problems are occuring outwith school hours.

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