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To be genuinely worried that I won't love the new baby as much as I love dd?

(32 Posts)
Pinkjenny Tue 30-Jun-09 09:32:26

I know this is natural, to a certain extent, but I was hoping that after my 12 week scan, I would feel a bit more excited and, well, emotionally attached to this baby.

I bought a pregnancy journal, as I have one that I wrote for dd, and I thought it would be mean not to do one this time, but I feel no enthusiasm about it at all.

I am sad for this new baby, because I remember how excited I was last time, and somehow I feel like it's already getting the short end of the stick. Everyone keeps telling me that I absolutely will love this baby as much, but I feel like deep down I won't.

I stick have quite bad morning sickness, and I think that is sucking some of the joy out of the experience. Also, because I'm an only, I have no concept of a sibling relationship at all, only ever having been number one wink

Am I vile?

Pinkjenny Tue 30-Jun-09 09:33:17


Nahui Tue 30-Jun-09 09:35:55

Message withdrawn

LoveBeingAMummy Tue 30-Jun-09 09:36:55

No of course not. Your giving yourself a hard time and you must stop, not matter what you are feeling its not wrong, its just how you feel right now and we all know how often women can change how they feel!!!

Pinkjenny Tue 30-Jun-09 09:38:49

This is true. I almost feel like it would be disloyal to dd, somehow, to love this baby <weirdo>

Confuzzeled Tue 30-Jun-09 09:41:28

I know exactly how you feel, my feelings for my bump didn't really sink in till I was almost 20 weeks and it has grown slowly but surely. I am now 32 weeks and due a ds in August.

At first I felt so guilty that it would take time away from dd 2.2yo and if I had a girl would they hate each other like me and my sis.

I still do sometimes fear that I won't care about him as much as my dd, but it comes and goes. I'm sure as soon as we see our babies we'll fall head over heels and never look back.

How far are you?

Pinkjenny Tue 30-Jun-09 09:44:06

Only 13+3. A couple of my friends are due in October and tell me that once the baby started moving, they felt differently. I knew this pregnancy would be a different experience to the first time, but I wasn't prepared for quite how different. This baby was very much planned and wanted, but I feel like perhaps I have lost my nerve a bit.

Nahui Tue 30-Jun-09 09:44:27

Message withdrawn

mangopassionfruitshake Tue 30-Jun-09 09:46:50

Don't think YABU, I feel the same although it's starting to change a bit now the baby's kicking. I don't think it's uncommon.

Madmentalbint Tue 30-Jun-09 09:49:44

I felt a bit like you when I was expecting my second DC. I felt so guilty for disrupting my poor DD's life with a new addition and was worried she'd feel rejected or replaced. I remember somebody gave my eldest a forever friends bubble bath toy which said 'I'm so loveabubble' on it, but in my fragile state I was convinced it said 'I'm so vulnerable'. I was horrified to think that other people also thought I'd done wrong by my DD by having another baby.

I soon realised there was enough of me to go around and my DD enjoyed having a baby sister. I now love all four of my DC's equally

Don't worry, things will be just fine, and try and enjoy your pregnancy

posieparker Tue 30-Jun-09 09:56:15

What you're doing by having another baby is not just having another son/daughter but giving your dd a sibling. Someone to giggle with her endlessly when she annoys youwink, someone who she will adore and will adore her, someone to play with, someone who can share the responsibility of you and your dh in your old age, a very special person that will have a connection with her like no other.
No matter how much joy you get from your dd now it will be nothing in comparison to the first time you see her and the new baby giggle together, I promise.
And you don't divide your love you find new love and you find extra for everyone not just the new baby.
Just enjoy your DD and the special time you have with her until the new baby perhaps buy a baby book like @what's in your tummy Mummy and get her involved. You'll have the bonding and love for your new baby when you meet him/her don't worry about that now.
And congratulations you are on a very exciting journey!

Pinkjenny Tue 30-Jun-09 10:02:16

Thanks everyone, will try to stop overthinking it, and just be. I bought that house in mummy's tummy book yesterday and I read that with dd last night, but at 2.2, she understands that there is a baby in my tummy, but has no comprehension of anything beyond that really.

monkeyfacegrace Tue 30-Jun-09 10:02:52

I felt exactly the same, I had no interest in my pregnancy at all. I felt resentful to him as he was stopping me doing things with my daughter as I was ill for a lot of my pregnancy. Unfortunatley, he was born v.prem and spent a lot of time in SCBU, so I didnt get chance to bond properly and still haven't. 7 months on, Im still not particularly attached, though I have PND and colic didnt help me like the little chap! But, I know that I love him, as when (for example), I thought he was choking once I had that horrendous panic that only mums can get, where I almost fainted from panic!!
So try not to worry, even if you aren't feeling this love towards him that you are 'meant' to feel, you are not alone, and I know as soon as my son starts talking/walking and my depression fades, I will love them both the same. Good luck x

morningpaper Tue 30-Jun-09 10:05:06

These feelings are QUITE normal, don't worry for a minute

At first you will think "How on earth can I ever love another person as much as I love DD1?"

In a few months you will think "This baby is too cute, I love her THE MOST!"

But eventually it will all settle down

saintmaybe Tue 30-Jun-09 10:06:10

love isn't rationed, they bring their own love with them

and as for not spending as much time focussing on this pregnancy/ baby it's not that you'll love them less, it's just a really different learning curve, YOU are not learning how to become a parent for the first time

It's nice for both of them not to be the centre of attention and the focus of your every waking minute. But I would recommend the 'sibling rivalry' book, by the 'how to talk so kids will listen' chaps, not assuming it'll be a prob, but I found it quite useful for me to think about those sib issues.

And cograts

Aranea Tue 30-Jun-09 10:07:10

I felt exactly the same as you. My second pregnancy was very much planned and wanted, but as soon as I saw the positive result I thought, 'oh god what have I done??'

The feeling came and went throughout the pregnancy tbh. I made sure I did some pregnancy yoga classes, really just to spend some time focusing on the growing baby as I didn't have time to think about being pregnant otherwise. I recommend doing that, it helps.

And I wouldn't panic if you don't fall in love as soon as you clap eyes on the baby. With my first, I was besotted from day one and never felt down about anything. Second time around I found it all quite difficult and felt guilty for not being able to cuddle dd1 whenever she wanted etc. But around 10 weeks after dd2 was born it began to improve.

dd2 is now 8 months old and it is all lovely. I completely adore her, and she completely adores her sister. dd1 is (mostly) enchanted by her little sister and they play together a lot.

Congratulations and good luck! I know it is impossible not worry - in a way maybe it is helpful to be going through all that dark stuff before the baby arrives so you will have thought it through enough to be strong when you're getting no sleep! None of your fears will become reality though, honestly.

posieparker Tue 30-Jun-09 10:07:29

Monkey, Are you getting the right support? I know a couple of psychologists that specialise in helping women bond with their babies.

ImOverHere Tue 30-Jun-09 10:08:33

I felt the same but what I've found is that the love I have for DS (2nd child) is equal to what I have for DD (1st child) but it is different in that he is a different person and I love different things about him. I guess its the same as loving my mum in a diff way to loving my DH but I love them both equally.

Pinkjenny Tue 30-Jun-09 10:12:39

Dd is 'great with babies', and I think aside from usual jealousy issues, she'll be fine. I am so glad this is normal, I have a tendency to be very honest about this kind of thing amongst my circle of close friends, and they look at me as if I'm insane. grin

toddlerama Tue 30-Jun-09 10:12:47

DD1 is 2 this month and DD2 is 8 months old. It wasn't until she was about 6 months that I honestly from the bottom of my heart loved her as much as her sister. I did love her, and I was/am fiercely protective of her but it wasn't the same. It still isn't exactly the same kind of love - they aren't exactly the same child! But it's definitely equal. I think when you remember what you felt for your first at just a few months old, it's quite different to how you feel now, and the second child goes through all those layers with you too. I wasn't at all bonded with DD2 in the pregnancy though, because I had an actual toddler to herd!

Pinkjenny Tue 30-Jun-09 10:14:53

I think possibly that the pregnancy journal has brought all these feeling to the forefront of my mind. I wonder if the reason for that is because now I know the reality of having a baby, I feel a bit of a tit loony writing all kinds of emotional ramblings in there. I am sure I would be crimson if I read dd's now, it's so naive and deluded. grin

Dysgu Tue 30-Jun-09 10:15:26

I felt like this throughout my pregnancy with DD2. The whole pregnancy felt very different from the first one - I wasn't tummy stroking or talking to the bump like I did the first time round.

DD1 was born 2 months early and initially had several health problems and spent a month in NICU. She was just so special and, being our first, we were just so impressed with every little thing she did.

DD2 came 5 weeks early and we must have been in total denial that she would come early. We had made no preparations - even though it was sort-of expected.

DD2 spent just 10 days in NICU. Was a lovely baby - as was DD1 - and is very chilled and easy-going. She has a great giggle and her eyes light up the room. She is now 6 months old and fabulous. I love her very much. I like her lots.

But I still think I prefer DD1! I have discussed this with DP and I think that, as DD2 gets bigger and more interesting and interested in stuff, then the bond grows stronger. By the time she is walking and talking I imagine I will love and like them both equally.

Keep writing the journal - I do the same but there are fewer entries in DD2's book. I still write in both journals and things will catch up. if they ever read them, they will see that they were both special to me as babies but being a PFB gives the first one all the novelty points.

As for love - it is like a candle, I was told. The mother is the big candle and love is the flame. You can light as many other candles from the original without diminishing the light/love. If the original flame flickers, it can be re-lit by any of the others equally.

monkeyfacegrace Tue 30-Jun-09 10:16:51

Hi Posie, Im getting loads of support thanks, but not proffesional. Its normal for me, I was the same with my first. I loved the pregnancy, but when she was born I didnt get that rush of love that people go on about. It took 13 months for me to bond and want to be the best I could be. So I reckon in a few months I will be fine with my son too! Im totally fine at doing everything he needs, his care is 100% emotionally and physically, but Im just not 'feeling it' inside.

monkeyfacegrace Tue 30-Jun-09 10:18:48

BTW Im not being self-indulgent here, just wanted the op to realise that somethimes is not all roses, but its best to talk about it, no one thinks you are mad, and certainly shouldnt judge you. While you are letting off steam in here, you are protecting those close to you.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern Tue 30-Jun-09 10:23:34

I felt like this when I was pregnant with ds, I was happy about being pregnant ds was planned and wanted but never got the same shivers of excitement I had when pg with dd.

I think some of it was that I knew how much I hated being pregnant and that I didn't have as much time to be pregnant as I had 2 year old dd to run about after.

I actually cried the night I went into labour I went to kiss my sleeping dd goodbye and felt so guilty for the fact she would suddenly have to share me and that her life would never be the same again.

The second I held ds for the first time I was absolutely head over heels in love with him and when dd seen him a few hours later so was she. There was never any jeaslousy at all, she was well prepared beforehand that the baby was coming.
They are still extremely close 3 years on and she is like a little old woman when it comes to taking care of him, I get a row if I tell DS off for something as he is only little grin

They do bring their own love I promise you, you love is not something which is finite, and I actually like the way dysgu puts it about the candle it really does sum it up.

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