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to think it's a bad idea for me to return to work when oh's job is so all consuming!

(18 Posts)
robino Mon 29-Jun-09 19:20:07

oh keeps hinting about me returning to work part time. I'm not against work and i appreciate that he feels strain at being the sold bread winner but: a) we have 2 dd's aged 2.5 and 1 so any wages my job brings in would pretty much be swallowed up. B)he works is currently commuting 3 hours a day so leaves before we get started and gets home after bedtime. This wouldn't change if i went back to work so i would still always do tea,bedtime etc. C) OH works in construction management so will pretty much have to take work where he can get it when his contract ends. We've only just returned home after a 10 month stint living near to his work and we may well need to move again and at short notice. I just feel this gives us a bit more freedom in terms of moving if need be and i'm currently less exhausted than him so can still pick up a bit of slack at the weekend for him, i suspect if i worked this wouldn't be the case.

robino Mon 29-Jun-09 19:22:48

rubbish typing. Sorry, am on phone

robino Mon 29-Jun-09 19:24:24

rubbish typing. Sorry, am on phone

TheProfiteroleThief Mon 29-Jun-09 19:26:20

We are in similar position. Dh begs me regularly not to get a job - as I am the 'glue' that holds it all together. That sounds really nuts, but he appreciates (as do I) that any quality of life we have would immediately be lost if we were juggling two jobs

rookiemater Mon 29-Jun-09 19:27:22

YANBU unless by you taking a part time job he would be able to reduce his hours or commute.

robino Mon 29-Jun-09 19:29:02

rubbish typing. Sorry, am on phone

Podrick Mon 29-Jun-09 19:30:23

Let him know what extra things he will need to do to help if you start work.

Talk to him about wha happens when the kids are ill - usually very often when they first start nursery.

If he is worried about being the only bread winner, could you make sure your skills and cv are in good shape without going back to work?

robino Mon 29-Jun-09 19:58:23

no chance that his hours would reduce, just not that type of job. I am trying, very slowly, to do a distance course in order that i can start freelance translation at some point. I think you have the right idea profiterolthief.

GetOrfMoiLand Tue 30-Jun-09 07:31:14

Do see your DP's side as it must be daunting being the sole breadwinner. My DP works in construction and it is pretty scary how much the industry has quietened down in the recession. I think it qould be a good idea for you to try and get a part time job somewhere.

gingernutlover Tue 30-Jun-09 07:51:37

my husband work similar hours and I returned to work 3 days a week teaching when dd was little. I am permanently tired in term time, but I do love my job

I would say if you need the money then fine, get a job. Or if you can find a job which would enhance your life then , yes go for it!

But you dh needs to understand that weekends will have to be shared with regards to childcare etc, at the moment it sounds like you are doing most of the house work etc and childcare.

What kind of work would you be looking for? Or could you possibly work from home at all? e.g. childminding, avon etc which might bring in a little bit extra without having to pay for lots of expensive childcare.

Also agree with the comments made about having to take time off when the children are sick, would this be shared too? I have really had to battle to get dh to take his share of this especially as I dont get paid if I am off with dd but he can take a days holiday at short notice.

Nurseries and childminders normally still charge the daily rate when children are off sick btw.

So as well as you doing all the childcare responsibilities he wants you to also "work" for what will be very little extra cash after childcare costs?

I don't understand this worry about being the sole breadwinner as if the partner who works spends the whole time worrying about paying the bills etc whilst the partner at home sits there thinking about kittens frolicing.

robino Tue 30-Jun-09 08:12:38

I am a teacher by trade so if he does suddenly lose his job i will be able to pick up supply work. And it's true, i do do everything during the week but that's because he's simply not here - he does pitch in when he's around and it's very important to him to actually be with us, rather than friends, when he is around. I'm just not convinced he sees the bigger picture. Maybe i'll have 3 days trial where we have to get me and the kids out of the door by 7, we stay out til 5 so no housework gets done and then fit everything in when the kids have gone to bed. There'd be no leisurely shaves and leaving the dog walk for me and the kids to do then!

Scorpette Tue 30-Jun-09 09:54:19

I can understand that it must be stressful for your OH to be the main breadwinner and perhaps worrying about money, etc., but if you go back to work ft with things as they stand, you'd be working ft AND doing EVERYTHING at home; housework, childcare, ferrying the DCs everywhere, etc., etc. and that's unfair on you. You need to make it very clear that if you do go ft, he will have to change his hours and so on so he can share 50% of all housework and stuff concerning the DCs. I think if you do, he might be less keen!

whereeverIlaymyhat Tue 30-Jun-09 09:54:47

I wouldn't bank on that supply work, several people I know haven't worked this whole school year as the hatches are batterned down.
The only reason you should return to work under your circumstances is if you want to.
My hubby likes the idea of it, but the reality when I said to him sort the childcare then was much less appealing.

GetOrfMoiLand Tue 30-Jun-09 09:58:48

Agree that if you do go back to work he should share more of the housework and chores - that goes without saying.

Also used to work in a school and have friends who still work there - they say that supply work has ground to a halt, mostly to do with the school employing classroom supervisors instead. So that may not be an easy route anyway.

gingernutlover Tue 30-Jun-09 10:11:59

yeah the other trouble with supply is that if you have arranegd childcare with a nursery or a childminder, they are unlikely to not charge when you dont get work.

i think you need to sit your dh down and point out all of the following and then see if he still thinks you should go back to work, it has to be a family decidsion cos it will affect you all

childcare paid and all the possible associated problems?
houseowrk can you share it or afford a cleaner?
childrens illness, who will cover?

SolidGoldBrass Tue 30-Jun-09 10:16:09

It might be worth looking into stuff you can do freelance/from home with flexible hours. Avon/Bettaware bring in a few extra quid, maybe more if you are in a good area and don;t mind hustling a bit and they are both jobs you can deffo do with small DC (I used to do my Avon round with all the bags of slap and scent hanging off the back of DS' buggy).

zeke Tue 30-Jun-09 10:25:45

My husband has an very 'consuming' job too Robina, coupled with the fact that I am a teacher.

I returned to work at 3 mths, simply because there was no one to teach the A level class! I am glad I did as it allowed me to 'keep my hand in'. However, it was hard (even very much p/t) - I hated all the damn pumping etc. Childcare was expensive as I taught classes rather than days (live very close by). I did enjoy it though.

If I were to have another child I would have at least the first year off, if not two. I would feel more comfortable doing that because I am pretty sure the school would take me back, as I have proved to be so flexible and made having a p/t member of staff easy for them. With my first though, if I hadn't have gone back (I had only really just started at the school) I think I would have been in danger of never going back.

The deputy head at my last school (secondary) told me that she had 5 full years off when she had her kids - they were as poor as church mice (her words) but she doesn't regret it for a second. When she returned she was ready to go full steam ahead with her career (she is now on her second headship). It did help that her husband didn't have a particulary demanding job though (vicar).

Do you still have any contacts with your last school? Would you like to return there? If so, I would let them know that you would like to return to work at some point. There may be someone returning from maternity leave who would like a job share etc at some point in the next year or so.

If I were you, I would probably leave it another year. At least until your oldest is three. I would certainly list the costs and implications with your DH (illnesses, frequent when just starting nursery, housework etc).

I know that whether I returned to work f/t, p/t or I was a SAHM my DH wouldn't do anything around the house. I'm quite realistic about that now. I am working more next academic year and I will get a cleaner if I need to. Yet another expense!

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