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To be annoyed by ExH selective parenting? (Be harsh if need be!)

(47 Posts)
bloodyX Sun 28-Jun-09 21:54:51

ExH has DS every Sunday 10-6.
He text me yesterday to say he wouldn't beable to have DS today as he has a tummy upset (diarrhea!)
Am I being unreasonable to be really angry about this? Obviously wouldn't want DS to catch anything from him, but when I am ill, I can't 'cancel' being with my child.
I have to just get on with things.
He didn't ask if he could see DS at another time during the week, so it will be a fortnight between visits.
ExH lives with his parents so it isn't even as if he would have had to look after Ds on his own if he felt too ill hmm
ExH has cancelled a visit before due to work commitments and was seen out with his friends getting wasted. Nice!
I feel pissed off that I didn't get my day 'off' as planned but feel more gutted on behalf of DS that his Dad is prepared not to see him for 2 weeks.
Luckily DS is only 18mnths so is oblivious.
sad

norksinmywaistband Sun 28-Jun-09 22:02:41

Yanbu, This pisses me off all the time, convienience and their time is priority over the DC.
And two evenings a week for 4 hours and no overnights for 4 weeks, really makes me think they don't give a shit and it is obligation rather than a want to be responsible for their own DC

Sorry private rant over.

bumpybecky Sun 28-Jun-09 22:03:26

YANBU to be angry that he has cancelled before and lied about why

YANBU to be cross he'd cancelled rather than postponing, no reason to miss a visit completely.

But YABVU to be angry he's said he won't have your ds due to a tummy upset (I'm not going to attempt to spell the D word!).

I bet if he'd had your son and passed on the bug you'd be livid!

BCNS Sun 28-Jun-09 22:07:54

after 10 year experience of selective parenting ( by ex).. this is all I can say.

your ds and your ex will have and build their own relationship.. at the moment it's up to ex to do this, as your ds is too little..all you have to do is facilitate and be there..

there is nothing more you can actually do about it.

it really is as simple as that.. sometimes it's not fair and your allowed to be angry about it.. but it's up to ex and later on ds.

( it's not that I'm a hard bitch.. but it's just experience from years of being torn up about these sorts of things..wink)

booyhoo Sun 28-Jun-09 22:08:13

he has a tummy bug, you dont want your son to get sick do you?

and if he doesnt rearrange... his loss. your ds will make his own mind up about exh when he's old enough to. dont waste energy being angry over it. and if you feel like it, then ask someone to have ds if you get sick.

sparklefrog Sun 28-Jun-09 22:11:03

YANBU. I get so pissed off that some men, including my X seem to see parenting as an option, as if they have a bloody choice. angry

They don't have a choice AFAIK.
They should bloody well be responsible, and want to look after their DC as much as we do.

Some dad's seem too keen on what they believe are their rights, and not so keen on what are actually their responsibilities. angry

My X still believes PR means parental rights shock

bloodyX Sun 28-Jun-09 22:19:58

Thanks for the replies.
Of course I wouldn't want DS to get ExH's bug and it would only make my life harder if DS did get ill.
Just makes me mad that he gets the 'option' to be ill. I have to carry on regardless.Getting someone to have DS when I'm poorly isn't always an option.
You are all totally right about rising above it.
I was tempted to send an arsey text back but resisted.
Its his loss.

WizardNoHeart Sun 28-Jun-09 22:26:33

Do you think he's out getting wasted again then? If so YANBU, but if you genuinely think he is sick then it's best that he doesn't pass any bugs on to your DS. It would only make things harder on you anyway, coping with a sick child.

MrsMichaelSchofield Mon 29-Jun-09 13:38:15

Can I just ask a question? - all those of you who are angry about the level of responsibility your exdp's take, did then want 50:50 residency and did you prevent it? Because sometimes I hear mum's complaining about the lack of responsibility, but it was them who forced the situation of 'part time' parenting by refusing 50:50

macdoodle Mon 29-Jun-09 14:24:02

oh hahahahaha I'd be bloody surprised if many dads pushed for 50:50 residency - those that are arses are arses!
My XH sees spending time with his 2 wonderful DD's as either babysitting or a favour to me - unfortunately they will eventually realise what he is and be hurt by his attitude of seeing them as a chore!

idranktheteaatwork Mon 29-Jun-09 14:31:43

Actually lots of dads would like to spend more time with their children. Unfair to tar them all with the same crappy generalisations.

Yabu to be cross he has xancelled because of tummy bug. He gets a short time with his son, it would be unfair to have your son and then spend all of that time on the toilet/ on the sofa.

bumsrush Mon 29-Jun-09 14:33:05

50:50 that is a joke, exH didn't manage that even when he was here. Parenting is something done totally at his convenience at can be cancelled at short notice if work commitments require.

MrsMichaelSchofield Mon 29-Jun-09 14:34:57

bumsrush, that is in your particular case, but there are lots of dads that do really want 50:50 and this is blocked by the mother. The same mothers are then quick to slag off the dads when they don't share the responsibility hmm

bumsrush Mon 29-Jun-09 14:35:30

I love the use of unfair, oh it is soooo unfair of you to expect him to look after his son if he is unwell, er what does mum do the rest of the time. The fact he has only a short time would make it even more important.

Fair enough if he is really unwell but more from concerns about DC catching it rather than it being unfair on him, his parents would be doing all tha caring anywau probably.

bumsrush Mon 29-Jun-09 14:38:05

Yes ok you keep telling yourself that. Funny I don't hear that story all that often in the real world. Plenty arguments over child arrangements yes but more often or not at to suit the dads timetable.

I know it does happen as my DP was prevented from seeing his kids after he had had sole care for a few years.

But mostly is is more like 99:1 parenting but full expectations of 50:50 when it suits.

MrsMichaelSchofield Mon 29-Jun-09 14:38:26

tbh I find it odd that the OP is referring to her "day off". Sounds like she's more annoyed at that really

MrsMichaelSchofield Mon 29-Jun-09 14:39:51

and the courts in this country are very guilty of advocating 99:1 care, in favour of the mother. Many dads have been to court and end up against a brick wall to fight this

bumsrush Mon 29-Jun-09 14:41:49

10-6 isn't exactly a day off anyway, and why shouldn't she be annoyed is she just supposed to be on standby incase of ilnesses and work load. Does dad take him if she is ill?

idranktheteaatwork Mon 29-Jun-09 14:43:06

I was making the point that it would be unfair for the son actually. As in it would not be much fun watching daddy run to the toilet all day.
And the length of the visit is relevent, mum gets to spend 6 days a week with her dc, dad gets a few hours a week, uou can't make a comparison about getting on with being ill as it is not about the parent coping, it is about the child having the opportunity for regular uninterrupted contact with both parents.

MrsMichaelSchofield Mon 29-Jun-09 14:45:27

bumsrush - i find it odd for someone to be annoyed that they're not getting "time off" from their own child

bumsrush Mon 29-Jun-09 14:49:38

Fucking shocking, I am sure she should be outside the dads house on standby.

Imagine wanting to actually get on and do something when DC are not there, maybe she should sit and sob until it is time for them to return.

Actually she said pissed off and it was day 'off' as it will probably be nothing of the sort.

Don't you just love personal attack eventhough you are not the OP and I didn't say I was annoyed.

bumsrush Mon 29-Jun-09 14:50:55

Oh and she said she was more gutted for the DS. But hey she must be an evil bitch anyway, don't you find all ex wifes are hmm.

Boys2mam Mon 29-Jun-09 14:52:18

I don't think its a personal attack Bumsrush, though your tone suggests you are perhaps a little annoyed about something?

jellybeans Mon 29-Jun-09 14:53:04

YANBU and nothing wrong with wanting 'time off' at all!

bratnav Mon 29-Jun-09 14:53:35

Oh bloodyX I do feel for you.

My exH has just reneged on the agreement (made at the start of the year) that he will have the DDs for half of the school holidays as well as every other weekend. Apparently this is due to 'work commitments' hmm

When I complained that this would make my life very difficult as DH and I have already made plans for the weeks that he was meant to have them and I will be 36-39 wks pg, I was told that I am an irresponsible mother and that he will be going for full custody shock This is coming from the man who has just cancelled the additional contact HE requested hmm

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