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To want mutual friends to show a bit more loyalty to me when ex has hurt me so much?

(7 Posts)
Scrumplet Sat 27-Jun-09 23:08:52

Some have dispensed with him altogether. A few, more his friends, have more to do with him now than me. But a fair few hover in the middle, still enjoying both my ex's and my company.

With some of these friends, I can handle the situation by not bringing my ex up at all, and changing the subject if they do. However, some friends are staying with me this weekend and have caught up with my ex while they're in the area. They said this evening how really lovely it was to see him, and that they intend to make more of an effort to stay in touch with him - and they know I'll understand because I'm adult about the situation.

Well, I am as much as I can be, yes, but TBH, this really, really hurts. When with me, my ex did several things (which our close friends know about) which are cited as no excuses dealbreakers on here. Am I being unreasonable to expect this to influence their desire to stay friendly with him?

He (my ex) can be ever so charming and friendly, which I'm sure has something to do with it. Argh. Head fuck! If this is reasonable, I need some meaty tips on how to handle this dynamic, because at the moment I feel as though I just can't. Thanks.

SolidGoldBrass Sat 27-Jun-09 23:13:22

It's not unreasonable for mutual friends to want to stay in touch with both of you, not really - no one ever knows what exactly goes on in any other couple's relationship.
However, it is not very nice of people to go on and on about how they are staying friends with your XP and you should be a grown up about it. It's probably just thoughtless, but it's still not very kind. Just say, 'Fine' and change the subject, if they keep on say, 'I'd really rather not discuss XP if you don't mind.' If they carry on after that, or tell you to stop minding or whatever, then they are not very good friends and there is no need to put yourself out for them again.

Nancy66 Sat 27-Jun-09 23:16:48

YABU - sorry. Know it must be painful but you can't expect your friends to take sides.

You can, however, agree that he is a banned subject in your company and ask them to respect that.

dittany Sat 27-Jun-09 23:17:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Feelingoptimistic Sat 27-Jun-09 23:20:14


While it is understandable that some of those mutual friends may want to keep in touch with your ex, they didn't have to mention it to you in such detail. What they said was insensitive and I think most people in your situation would be very hurt too (I would be !).
But I have discovered in the last few years that some people have no tact. And some lack "emotional intelligence" and are unable to put themselves into other poeple's shoes and understand how it may feel to be that other person. I speak from personal experience !!!!

Try not to let it get to you.

TheLadyEvenstar Sat 27-Jun-09 23:38:13

oh this happened to DP when he split with his ex...all their friends and his friends sided with her as did HIS family. he has no contact with any of them but we have a lot of friends together.

Scrumplet Sun 28-Jun-09 14:27:04

Thanks for understanding how I feel about this, and for some helpful advice. Mutual friends wanting to remain friends with my ex is reasonable; raving about him in my company is not, not when they know how he behaved in our relationship. Useful to have some suggested retorts and boundaries for handling this in future. Thanks again.

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