to want dh to do something vaguely impulsive for a change?(12 Posts)
We've been married 18 years and up til the last couple dh has been averagely crap about booking trips out or meals or whatever, but has managed to sort out a couple of nice nights out a year.
This last couple of years it's like the zing has gone out of our social life. We have one child who regularly spends time at grandmas. That means we have the chance to have a night out every couple of weeks at least.
Do we go? No... I admit, we don't always feel like it, but I've been dropping hints at DH for weeks now that he needs to just book something, a meal out, a night at the pictures, anything, just a nice surprise for a change.
We've missed valentines, my birthday, his birthday (always because it's at Christmas, so that's no biggie) and various anniversaries. I think the last big trip out was my 40th. Since then, nothing.
I'm probably being unreasonable to expect it, but today I asked him why we couldn't go out and he said we can. Let's go. He just doesn't get that someimes you want something booked, something nice....
Sorry...ranting over. Please tell me I'm being unreasonable and I'll start being nice to him again....
I understand you want him to take the intiative but you make no mention of the fact you make any arrangements either. Soooo, why can't you?
It's a men are from mars thing. You need to explicitly tell him what you want him to do. My DH is the same.
I agree with fattybumbum and boys2mam: it's just a different way of looking at things. Women plan in advance, I think men are more spontaneous.
You say that nothing was organised for his birthday - did you expect him to organise his own birthday party? And even if it is at Christmas, why was it no biggie?
You say that your last big tip out was YOUR 40th - umm is it not your turn to organise something then?
Why not plan something together - it sounds like he does want to go out, maybe he just needs a poke in the ribs, particularly if you've got out of the habit of going out together.
Do you ever book anything or just leave it to him?
If #1 YANBU
If #2 YABU
Just book it yourself if you really want to go out.
I'm with OP. My DH never ever books anything. It's up to me to find a babysitter and it's up to me to think of something to do and book it. Once we are there, e.g. if it's dinner, we leave as soon as meal finish, no coffee, no choccies, nada, zilch. I feel quite deflated by the lack of romance.
I think you need to start booking these things yourself and get him used to the idea of having a social life. Then ease him into the role of taking it in turns to decide what you are going to do on your nights out.
I book everything we do. We don't do birthday parties for him as he doesn't like crowded places. Instead I cook a meal for him and usually arrange something special for his entertainment. He's not fond of crowded places, he's not really very outgoing. That's why a night out is generally a meal out, rather a wild party. Holidays are usually small cottages in the middle of nowhere rather than hotels with entertainment.
I book all our holidays, trips out generally, I arranged the last night out we had. We are economising so I guess that comes into the equation and has stopped me organising anything at all.
We used to go to the pictures, but whenever I suggest a film I get told 'it'll be on Sky soon enough, do you really want to go?'. I usually say he's right. I know, I need to be more assertive about that.
I didn't come back online last night because we had a corker of a row. He said it was equally up to me to suggest where we go/when we go out. If I was that bothered I should have booked something myself. I guess he agrees with the majority of people on here.
I was being unreasonable to expect him to book something. I guess I was just thinking back to the days when he used to wait outside my workplace with an overnight bag and a room booked in a small country pub. It is a bit unrealistic to expect that kind of thing this far on in a relationship.
Off to do the ironing. Thanks for the responses.
My SIL and BIL have been married 55 years in all that time he has never booked a holiday a meal in a restaurant or anything for that matter. My DH and I laugh that the only appointment he makes is to get his car serviced. He wont stay in nice hotels on their own will if they are with their friends. They have just come back from a week at the coast staying in a Premier Travel Inn whereas SIL would have liked to be in a hotel. I know there is nothing wrong with Premier Travel Inns stay in them a lot but only a few days, but we always have our car they went by train so really couldn't go far of an evening.
He has been off his stroke a little, but he's not one for depression. He's probably a bit blue.
We had an enormous row about it on Saturday night. We don't row often and it's usually over the silly things. He admitted that he's been caught up on paying off our mortgage, which we've both committed to helping with this year, so it's not a huge surprise that money has been a deciding factor.
Noseyhelen hit the nail on the head with her post. My DH is a lovely bloke, but he has a tendency to be a realist and a bit of a homebody too, so it's not too far from the norm for him to be like this. I appreciate your thought, though Laquitar.
Thanks again to everyone who posted.
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