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Alone time - i can see that i am, but still...

(40 Posts)
Steaknife Sat 27-Jun-09 10:45:02

Apologies I am using my phone so cant make paragraphs. DH wants alone time at the weekend, which is fair enough. He says I should use ILs to babysit in the week for my alone time. Again a fair point. So why do I feel cross that he does not take dd for a few hours at the weekend and upset when he wants to do things without us? I am BU arent I?

ChasingSquirrels Sat 27-Jun-09 10:47:19

I don't think it is unreasonable that he has some alone time.
I do think it is unreasonable that he doesn't take your dd for a few hours and give you the same alone time if you want it.

Aussieng Sat 27-Jun-09 10:52:17

Is he saying then that we wants the whole weekend as alone time? And are you saying that you are *always" upset whenever he wants to do things without you?

SolidGoldBrass Sat 27-Jun-09 10:56:10

Are you bot hetting the same amoutn of child free, chore free time in the week? If not, then one of you (probably him) is being unreasonable. Is his attitude that looking after dd is women's someone else's work and that he is entitled to do what he likes?

Steaknife Sat 27-Jun-09 10:57:29

Ah that is the thing, because the ILs live close by he says I should take my time in the week. Which just rubs me up the wrong way as I perceive it as him trying to get out of looking after dd. Silly really if I am able to have my time why does it matter when it is or who is looking after dd?

Steaknife Sat 27-Jun-09 11:04:04

SGB - I am not sure how evenly split the chore free time is. I am also v sensitive to his way of expressing himself that can be a little old fashioned.

Steaknife Sat 27-Jun-09 11:09:53

No, he does not expect to do just what he wants but I would say he gets more family free time than I do. I think it is time I sorted out my social life.

Steaknife Sat 27-Jun-09 11:11:40

No, he does not expect to do just what he wants but I would say he gets more family free time than I do. I think it is time I sorted out my social life.

GhostOfPsychomum5 Sat 27-Jun-09 11:13:18

so you are supposed to have your DD while he has his 'alone-time', but he won;t have his (your) DD while you have your 'alone-time'??

thats not fair......parenting is a joint job, if he expects you to have your DD, then he should return the favour..........and then get the inlaws to babysit while you both have TOGETHER time!

LovelyTinOfSpam Sat 27-Jun-09 11:17:54

How much free time at the weekend is he looking for?

Steaknife Sat 27-Jun-09 11:19:12

Ghost - that would be my ideal, but how to get to that being the norm from our current standpoints?

cyteen Sat 27-Jun-09 11:23:30

Steak, you already know that I think he is BU. There's something quite disrespectful about it, somehow; he wants the luxury of knowing his child is cared for by her parent while he's amusing himself, but doesn't want to extend you the same opportunity.

Not to mention the fact that they are HIS parents - surely it's easier for him to ask them to give up their time?

When and how does he anticipate spending time with you?

TheCrackFox Sat 27-Jun-09 11:23:32

How much time does DD see her dad?

Steaknife Sat 27-Jun-09 11:25:08

Lovely - he probably sees friends at least once a week for a few hours, which is fine. Today I was miffed because we have family chores to do that wont get done if he goes to the pub at lunchtime.

Steaknife Sat 27-Jun-09 11:27:42

Cy - I love the way you slap me with the wet fish of reason.

BonsoirAnna Sat 27-Jun-09 11:29:18

If your DH cannot engineer "alone time" during the working week, he is definitely entitled to some at the weekend providing you can also engineer yourself some alone time at some point during the week.

cyteen Sat 27-Jun-09 11:29:18

I'm just a bit concerned that you are so quick to label yourself as U and so apologetic about wanting him to take an equal share - you sound a bit downtrodden...

GhostOfPsychomum5 Sat 27-Jun-09 11:33:40

well, I think you need to start planning your free-time around his on the weekend, and just tell him.

ie, when he comes bac from the pub (assuming he is not too drunk to care for your DD safely that is), then tell him that it is now your turn, and just go.........don;t argue, don;t ask, leave a list of what DD needs (so you are not hanging about and he is preventing you from going), and then have your time.

I do appreciate that this is me speaking from my stnadpoint of knowing how my DH would take it, as I don;t know if yours would react ok......??

Steaknife Sat 27-Jun-09 11:34:50

TCF - dh gets time with us in the morning, has lunch at home most days and tries to be home for bedtime, as well as weekends. So quite a lot but tends to expect me to be in charge of dd at these times.

Steaknife Sat 27-Jun-09 11:44:21

Cy - I didnt mean to sound lame, just trying to work out a way of resolving the situation in a way we will both be happy with. I have to go. Lunch calls.

bubblagirl Sat 27-Jun-09 11:44:54

personally i would say you can ahve your alone time sat at pub on sunday im going cinema with friends or to pub

and say in the week we will ask your parents to baby sit and you can take me out sunday and sat morn is family time we will both do stuff in afternoon on each day him sat you sun or vise versa

be more assertive about it and he may stop taking the pee its not fair only one person has weekend time and your expected to do most of everything

also ask him to do one of the chores before he goes out

just remember people only do to you what you let them i have learnt hard way and now dp looks after ds while i go out i also leave him some chores that he has taken aboard and all is much better

burningupinspeed Sat 27-Jun-09 11:47:50

Hang on - does he not look after his DD alone ever?

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern Sat 27-Jun-09 12:25:26

My ex was like this, it used to really annoy me.
My parents or his mum were more than happy to help out and look after the dc's but I always felt it was not their job IYSWIM?? I felt tht he should be helping me out more or taking the dc's so that I could do other things but he was more than happy to cop out and leave me with the dc's while he did his thing leaving our extended family to fill his role in the home.

The upshot now being is we seperated last year and he is totally (and will admit it himself) incapable of looking after the dc's alone so when he has them he has always had to make sure someone else was there.
It also used to worry me what would happen if there was an emergency and he had to look after them what eould happen then?

LovelyTinOfSpam Sat 27-Jun-09 13:20:56

If he goes to the pub this afternoon with his mates then you go to the pub next sat afternoon with your mates.

His parents having DD for a couple of hours on a monday morning is hardly the same is it.

And if he gets pissed today and comes home you will look after DD. If you got pissed and then had to collect DD from your inlaws and look after her - well its not going to happen is it.

Bottom line is his arrangement gives him a lot more freedom than the IL arrangement gives you.

Definitely not on IMO.

Steaknife Sat 27-Jun-09 19:57:48

Oh bums. Not only did he bugger off for three hours this afternoon he has now gone out for the night. Mind you i shot myself in the foot when i said <if you are going to sulk through the film you may as well go out now>

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