Introducing our new baby to family

[shinyshilling]

Our DD is 6 months old and as a second child doesn't get much attention at all from our extended family, much to our disappointment. My MIL never asked me how I was, felt etc during my pregnancy and her only comment was that I "Looked like a Christmas pudding"! Anyway, my husband's sister was looking after our two kids on a very rare occassion last night. We never go out at all without the kids.

My husband's aunt is in the UK at the moment (She lives abroad) and we are both really fond of her. If anyone is happy to meet our DD2 it will be her, and we were looking forward to introducing them on Tuesday. However, my SIL announced yesterday that my MIL and husband's Aunt had been invited up to her house to "meet the new baby".

I instantly felt really angry as I didn't feel that she was showing any sensitivity to the fact that she's our baby and we'd like to be the one to introduce her to people for the first time. Surely, this is one of the privileges of having a baby. I hate the fact that my husband's family downplay everything as if nothing with any meaning and emotion has any significance.

Do you think I'm being petty or justified in being a bit hurt. What would you do?

[verygreenlawn]

Not petty at all - my MIL does this sort of thing all the time.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

They took something special away by doing that - a shame for you but I doubt it would have occurred to them TBH.

[leonifay]

i'd actually say, oh i'm really sorry, were busy that day, but i'm going to call aunt and mil and have a big party the following day.
petty i know, but my baby, my terms!

[piscesmoon]

I would just politely tell your SIL that you are unavailable that day, but that you had intended to invite aunt on (name a date) and tell them they are all welcome then. I don't see a reason why you should fit in when you hadn't been consulted in advance-if you don't want to.

[PavlovtheForgetfulCat]

Yes, tell her her you are busy already and you cannot change your plans. If she wants to know, be honest, you have a relative over from abroad who is desperate to see your baby, and that this will be the only opportunity for a long time for her to meet her. It is your baby, you call the shots, you decide what family members get priority if there is a 'double booking'.

[dizzydixies]

sorry, am trying to get this straight. your SIL had the kids last night to give you a night off and the Aunt is going to the SIL's house today to meet baby is that right?

[PavlovtheForgetfulCat]

i think the SIL arranged while caring for the children for them to meet the Aunt on Tuesday when she is seeing the other Aunt? That is how I understood it anyway?

[Runoutofideas]

I took your message to mean that they'd already done this yesterday while SIL was looking after your children, so saying you are not available is not possible. Or have I got the wrong end of the stick...?

[shinyshilling]

My SIL has the kids today (stayed over last night) and has arranged for MIL and Great Aunt to go to her house today to meet our baby. We had made a separate arrangement to go to MIL's house on Tuesday to see Great Aunt. We had arranged with my SIL for her to come down with our kids and her daughter for tea today at 3pm as we had arranged ourselves to go looking for buggies/car seats (our DD2 is going in for an operation on her hip and will be in a spica cast for three months in a couple of weeks). We really could have done with the time to sort this stuff, but now we're racing around the house trying to get ready, to get to my SIL's so we can be there when MIL and Great Aunt arrive, so we don't miss the "Oohs and Ahhhs"! Grrrr

[dizzydixies]

runoutofideas - I can't quite work out if the Aunt was up yesterday or if the kids were there overnight and the aunt is going up today

either way I don't think the OP has the opportunity to say they're not available by the sounds of it

I'm more concerned about why the OP is up this early when she's child free

[dizzydixies]

shiny it was thoughtless and inconsiderate of them to do this and I would be hurt and upset too, however I don't think you should be going. This is very precious time that you and DH have to yourselves especially when it sounds like the next few months are going to be rather hectic & stressful

go and do what you need to do this morning and leave the arrangements for tea at 3pm and Tuesday as planned

she is YOUR precious baby and all the oohs and ahhhs in the world will not take away from the fact she is yours and you give her all the love and attention she will ever need

I speak from bitter experience. My PIL have 3 grandkids on SIL side long before we had our kids, ours don't even get a look in regardless of being first/second/third born. My brother & SIL had their son the year before we had DD1 and once again ours have played second fiddle ever since and will continue to do so 7yrs on

I spent a lot of time being hurt, angry, frustrated and confused by it all when eventually with the arrival of DD3 last year I thought 'feck it' my kids are MINE, they're funny, fantastic and bring me new delights every day - if they can't or don't want to see that it is their loss and I'm not going to waste any more time worrying over it or fretting about how to encourage change. the release is fantastic, we let them know whats happening and when and if they can't be arsed coming (which is more often than not) then their loss

[dizzydixies]

sorry above should have read 7yrs on when brother & SIL second baby finally arrives this year

[PavlovtheForgetfulCat]

Oh I see - its the same aunt, and the time has been changed from tuesday, arranged by you, to today, arrange by SIL. I understand now.

YANBU to be mightily pee'd off, but not sure you can do much about it, apart from make sure you get there before the great aunt shows up, so you can do the showing off, make it a short visit, really short before making your excuses, then visit with the Aunt again on tuesday as planned by you.

[fruitstick]

My sister does this all the time but I don't think she is being insensitive or downplaying the baby. She just thinks of herself as the senior member of the family and 'coordinator' on my behalf.

It's a shame as you wanted to introduce your baby to your aunt but there are so many other things to be concerned with right now I would let it pass.

You will need them as time goes on and it is much better that the feel comfortable around you and the children rather than on tiptoes.

[shinyshilling]

Well, we got there before Grumpma and Great Aunt, grinned, gritted our teeth and got out quick. I was just hurt my SIL would find this acceptable, but reassured that so many of you thought that I wasn't being unreasonable. Thanks.

[PavlovtheForgetfulCat]

Good for you, you did the Right Thing. Hard as that was, you minimised it by getting there first, so its was still 'your introduction' rather than SILs.

Sometimes things are hard to do, but have to be done. Does not make it easy though does it

Are you still going to see your Aunt on tuesday as planned? Then you can have some time with her and new baby without the others claiming all the glory.

[shinyshilling]

Yes we are. Thanks for asking. But unfortunatly it still will be at Grumpma's, so we'll still have the excessive blowing of raspberries and general making my DD2 cry as she's just used to calm. I think I passed my irritation of Grumpma on to my kids via the placenta when they were born!

Extended families eh? Who'd have em?