to have stopped speaking to my friend of 14 yrs?

[sparklefrog]

My friend has really really pissed me off, but I want your opinions please.

I've been friends with her for 14yrs, and in all that time, I have been there for her, pretty much whenever she has needed me. I always do the running, ie: I've told her to drop by anytime, but she will only pop round when I specifically ask her to, and usually, I end up going over hers 99% of the time, even though I have a baby that I do not want to take to her house because she smokes heavily in her house, and NEVER has a window open, so I have to arrange babysitter to go round. She doesn't have this problem.
If I left it to her to contact me, she probably never would, but the really really frustrating problem is this. For the last 9 yrs, she has been seeing a MM. MM has told her he thinks she is a slag, and her house smells like a zoo. He only goes round for sex, and when the sex is over, he goes home. She is never permitted to text him, or ask anything of him. He contacts her when he is good and ready, and is so disrespectful to her, it's unbelievable. His texts are always the same...Do you want yr C* stretching bitch?
She always always says yes, and makes up a multitude of excuses as to why she cant dump him, and has even compared her situation with MM to my situation to my X, who I was living with, saying it is the same, because her MM has as much right to be in her home as my X had to be in mine. (Police told my X he had the right to be in my home because it was his home too.)
Friend says she doesn't want to be treated this way, but wont do anything about it!! Her favourite phrase is 'I've got no choice'.
She threw her 13 yr old DD out because MM told her they were going to run away together, and has put MM above and beyond absolutely everyone!!
If she comes to my house, she spends the whole time strategically placing her mobile in the best position for a signal, in case MM texts and tells her to get her arse home. She also checks her mobile constantly incase the signal has gone and gets v. v. anxious in case he is trying to text her. If he does text, it doesn't matter where she is, or what she is doing, she leaves and runs home.
If we go shopping, she'll run for the bus if he texts, and I feel her mind is never on any task in hand, only her bloody MM.
She wont work, because MM has already told her he wont be happy if he cant see her when he chooses, so she is isolated in her airless flat, just waiting and waiting.

I got so sick of her making excuses as to why she couldn't come to my house, instead of expecting me to always go to hers, when I know it's because she lives 1st floor so gets a good signal on her sodding mobile, and can sit mooning over it and blatantly ignoring me for long periods of time while she texts filth back to MM, that the last time I asked her round, and she said she had to stay home in case MM texted, (real reason) or DD might pop round and knock for her (DD knows where I live, we're neighbours) that I texted back and said 'I bet you dont use that last excuse to MM'.

I have not heard from her since, and I'm so bloody angry that she chooses MM 100% of the time over anyone else. I'm so angry that she leaves lunch, before she's eaten to rush off to him, and no matter what situation anyone finds themselves in, if MM is on his way over, she turns everyone down for him. She even left her DD sick and in pain at school because she was too busy with her legs in the air 'her phrase' with MM.

I tell myself she doesn't deserve my friendship, but I'm not sure she will ever notice I'm not around anymore.
I can't rely on her for anything, because all plans are subject to last minute changes to suit MM. She has regularly asked me to leave her house within 5 mins of arriving, even though we'd arranged it for days, because MM just texted her.

I suppose I just needed to hear your opinions and rant, and ask why?? Why does she degrade herself like this, and put up with it when she moans about him all the time, and says she wants to be away from him?? I am sick of her putting him first all the time, and sick of her moaning about him but doing nothing about it, because she's 'got no choice'. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

Anyone shed any light on this? Am I wrong to be pissed off?
Doesn't she realise where this is going? She says more than anything, she fears being old and lonely, but I can't get through to her. It's so frustrating!!!

(It's good to rant! )

[TinyPawz]

where is her DD??

[SolidGoldBrass]

I don't think you can help her and you would probably feel better if you distanced yourself from her. Though TBH it sounds like her partner is abusive and controlling.

[OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper]

She's clearly trash - why would you want to soil your ears listening to the bilge she spouts?

Find yourself some nice friends.

[sparklefrog]

Her DD went to live with her dad, friend's X. Dad used to have DD weekends, but suddenly out of the blue, friend told X he had to have DD permanently, because she was running away with MM. (Never happened.)

That was 7 yrs ago, and for the first 5 yrs, she still had the audacity to claim the CTC because she didnt have enough to live on, but couldn't work because then she would be unavailable for MM.
DD still lives with her dad now, but sees her mum weekends, when friend spends most of weekend texting filth to MM. (She is allowed to reply to texts, not initiate them)

DD spends the whole weekend in her room, only coming out for food, and spends no time at all with friend.

[sparklefrog]

sorry, meant available, haha.

[sparklefrog]

Am i wrong, or is this going to result in one lonely isolated lady? Or is it possible there will be a happy ending?

Friend only has 2 friends in the first place. Me and another neighbour, who she rarely sees anyway.

I asked her if she gets bored sitting indoors all the time, but she claims not to. Maybe she just doesn't need any mental stimulation apart from repeats of stargate and dr who.

[simpson]

How long has she been with MM?

She sounds a bit of a loon TBH.

[simpson]

sorry have just read 9yrs

Is that right??

Has she been like this the whole time?

[paisleyleaf]

I think all you can do, as a friend, is let her know that you'll be there for her if she ever decides to leave him.
But really while she's with him - there's going to be no getting through to her.
She is in a controlling and unhealthy relationship.

[sparklefrog]

Pretty much, yes simpson.

She met him on a telephone chatline, where he was advertising for an affair, but she believes she is the only 'mistress' he has got.

She has got worse over the yrs, but has pretty much behaved like this for the last 6/7 years. She even went abit loony just before she became convinced he was going to run away with her. She is quite fragile mentally. MM has convinced her that his name is not really his name, and he doesn't live where he said he does, and he is actually a complete stranger to her. Friend then started ringing his home phone and found it highly amusing when a woman answered, and friend remained silent, but stayed on the phone listening to this woman repeatedly saying 'hello, hello'
Friend thought this was hilarious, so rang back over and over all night. (I don't understand why she is so venomous and angry to everyone but MM)
I thought that was appalling and told her so.
I explained that the woman on other end of phone could have been petrified of her silent calls, but friend hates the wife. Why?????

[controlfreakythecontrolfreak]

she sounds as though she has mental health issues.

in what sense is she a friend to you? what does she bring to your life that enhances it / is helpful to you / is fun? what do you do together / talk about that you enjoy?

the whole thing sounds crap.

[simpson]

Does wife have a clue??

She must surely...after all the phone calls.

Think all you can do is tell friend how you feel.

Sounds like she is not very strong emotionally/mentally and he is taking advantage and she feels she has to rely on him to make her a better person.

Is she a needy person in other ways? ie with you (before she met him maybe?)

[simpson]

agree with controlfreaky sounds like she has mental health issues.

That is what I was trying to say, maybe she is very needy and needs someone to rely on and can't cope otherwise.

MM seems to manipulate her which doesn't help

[sparklefrog]

I get nothing out of the friendship, because she is always off in her own little world of seediness, and just sits there texting him. She has no morals, and this is why I am happy to not be her friend anymore, but I wonder if I ABU to withdraw my friendship, when she only has 1 other friend.

[simpson]

If you just stopped ringing her do you think she would contact you??

YANBU BTW

[sparklefrog]

No, I have tried not bothering texting or ringing her, she never rings or texts me. I have decided not to bother anymore now. I feel abit sorry for her, but I hate what she is doing. I can't help thinking of the poor DW. It's just wrong imo on so many levels.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I can see that this friendship doesn't offer you very much, but TBH I am not sure what it offers her, either. You claim to be her friend but clearly don't like her. It sounds very much as though she has mental health issues, but you don't sound terribly sympathetic towards the possiblity.
There may not be anything you can do to help her until she is ready to be helped, so it is probably best if you walk away.

[womma]

God, what a depressing situation. It sounds like you've made the right choice, I'd cast her adrift sharpish if I were you too. You have your baby to concentrate on, and your wits about you too by the sound of it!

I feel sorry for her poor DD, do you have any concerns about her or do you think she's okay?

The MM sounds just awful.

[McSnail]

Sorry - what's 'MM'?

It's not on the list of acronyms.

[Nancy66]

MM - married man

Sounds very grubby and low life, like something off Jeremy Kyle.

Why would you want these scuzzy people in your life anyhow?

[McSnail]

Oh, thanks.

Sounds like a total prick.

[sparkybabe]

Would it help if you could maybe enlarge her circle of friends? Take her to the pub on a friday night - maybe she'll meet a guy who can be a bit more for her? If she has someone else she wont need to sit and wait to be used but MM