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AIBU?

to be sick of being forgotten when a group of mums I like never invite me

29 replies

caratcake · 26/06/2009 22:06

I am quite new and my dd has started pre school and I have done quite a bit of the come back for coffee, play etc. I have invited back all the women I like now.The trouble is, I am off the radar for some reason when they arrange things. I have a happy personality and people always say hello and chat. I don't want to be like I used to be at nursery where I never said anything to anyone. But I feel lonelier now despite all my efforts, than in Sept when I came.

I think these mums are long term friends and I don't know what else I can do. I am sahm and my dh works long hours. Don't tell me they are all rude and I should find others to be friends with. It's a small village and this is it. I can't help on committees as they are in the evenings and I have to be home, also there is an unfriendly woman on that committee who gossips. Could it be possible she has poisoned the others against me without me knowing? Or am I getting paranoid here?

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caratcake · 26/06/2009 22:09

I read there are other friendship threads in MN history, how do I access them?

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Woooozle100 · 26/06/2009 22:11

prob a tad paranoid. More likely that they've been mates for yonks, are very comfy with each other and haven't the foggiest they're being rude to you. Just getting on as they always have.

Am sure in time you'll be welcomed into the bosom of the clique. Sorry yr feeling excluded now though

bluemoon4444 · 26/06/2009 22:11

sorry for you, maybe you can check relationships threads.

Doozle · 26/06/2009 22:14

Agree if they've been friends for years, they're just going to be thinking that much about it really.

These things take time. Meanwhile, if there's one particular mum in the group you like, casually invite her and DC again at some point. I reckon it's so much easier to try and make friends with one person initially than to try and crack a whole group.

Doozle · 26/06/2009 22:15

"They're just not going to be thinking much about it" I meant.

swanriver · 26/06/2009 22:20

I thnk they are just staying in their comfort zone, rather than being deliberately nasty. It's very hard isn't it.
I think all you can do is just keep doing what you are doing, which is to be friendly and chat, and possibly invite two of the "friends" together - that sometimes helps break ice even further. It will get better.
Or organize an outing of your own - a visit somewhere interesting perhaps - you could suggest some of them might like to join you?
It is easy to feel they are against you, but mostly people are just lazy and preoccupied, and have their own troubles hangups etc etc.
I remember once being in tears watchng a little group of mums heading back to an "elder" mother's house after nursery and my ds2 crying "I want to go to K's House" and feeling sooo sad. But in the end I was friends with some of them And before long it was SCHOOL much easier.

Seuss · 26/06/2009 22:21

Maybe the new school year will shake things up a bit? I was just thinking that a few of us might seem a bit cliquey at our playgroup but that is just cos we've been working on stuff as a group for a year, some of us will be moving on in September so time for new blood? I think you're probably being a bit paranoid and if you keep sneaking yourself in one day you'll just be one of them! (Don't forget to look out for the newbie then tho!)

swanriver · 26/06/2009 22:22

Ds1 not 2, by the time it was ds2 at pre-school I was not nearly so emotional..

Ripeberry · 26/06/2009 22:23

Do you help out the pre-school in other ways?
Do they do fundraising, maybe you could help out that way or even help with tidying up or mending things at the weekend.
But as everyone has said, try and be friendly with at least one of the mums and the rest will follow.
I was like you last year as a big group of mums all knew each other from years ago and the children going through the pre-school were their 3rd or 4th children!
But half of the group left and my DD2 made friends with two of the cliquest mums children and i found out that they were very friendly in the end, even the one who looked like she was chewing on a wasp all the time (and to think i used to be scared of her)
Just ask you DC who they would like to invite for a playdate and go on from there.

caratcake · 26/06/2009 22:24

I totally agree they're not thinking about it. It makes me want to scream.

I clicked on relationships but nothing! There is one mum I like but she is very popular and sophisticated. How can I come across all popular when I'm new? She speaks to me briefly but that's it.

Another is really nice to me, completely scatterbrained but lovely with it. I overheard her being invited to the sophisticated one's do this weekend.

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piscesmoon · 26/06/2009 22:25

I think you should try organising something-I am sure it is just lack of thought rather than exclusion.

caratcake · 26/06/2009 22:34

But I have organised things! It's their turn! The way I'm feeling I don't want to get more involved as committees can be bitchfests and I want to come across as popular!

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Seuss · 26/06/2009 22:42

Committees can be bitchfests but sometimes you just have to get in there. If you really want to be popular you have to get involved with everything that's going on but dodge the bitch-bullets.

thedolly · 26/06/2009 22:45

Paranoid is not the word I would use.

Doozle · 26/06/2009 22:47

Maybe your expectations are a little high. IMO, it's hard for most people to arrive at a new place and be popular straight away.

It takes a while to build friendships and become accepted.

Not being unsympathetic because I know how frustrating your situation can be. But give things time and it will start to slot into place more.

caratcake · 26/06/2009 22:49

Popular, but not in yer face, is it possible?

A new school year does herald change, yes, hopefully but it's a long time coming.

Tips on dodging bitch bullets?

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BettyTurnip · 26/06/2009 22:51

So what is the word you would use, thedolly?

Seuss · 26/06/2009 22:57

You have to perfect a kind of non-comittal 'hmmmm maybe...' and a swift change of subject. Try not to get left alone with any trouble makers, you're new, they will see you as easy prey and don't get too cliquey with anyone either. If you get involved with the committee there is always stuff that needs more than one person, which gets you more involved than coffee and a chat.

caratcake · 26/06/2009 23:08

I'm actually dying to have a laugh with someone but being fairly new means it's still at the polite stage. It's not really me being so ingratiating and polite.

How can I fast forward events so that I can be at ease too and have a laugh? Instead of sitting here all alone typing with one finger

Thanks for listening!

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curlyredhead · 26/06/2009 23:09

Do you want to make friends? Or be popular? You mention popularity much more often than friendship - do you know why it's so important to you to be popular?

If it were me, I'd be keen to make good friendships, so would be working on getting to know individuals rather than focusing so much on being part of the 'in crowd'.

caratcake · 26/06/2009 23:24

Perhaps it's too much to ask to find a kindred spirit to gel with.

Curly, maybe by talking to many I have erased my chance of forging a friendship with one. But who to choose? DD's closest friend is the Untouchable Sophisticated One who is much posher than me and doesn't have much time (for me).

Scatterbrain is nice but unreliable in the nicest way. Another is Smiler but again, don't think much more will come other than just being polite as she is BornAgain, another is Mother Hen who everyone loves and everyone wants to be with, there is Modelgirl who is not on any committee, is dippy but everyone loves her, Farmer's wife, Vicar's Wife and Lawyer, all lovely and too busy to think of me!

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slowreadingprogress · 26/06/2009 23:27

agree with curly. In order to have a really life enhancing, enriching, deep, fun friendship, you only actually need one friend

I'd try and form a bond with the person who seems kindest and most thoughtful

bugger the 'popular' one - what does that even mean, anyway? Just someone who has superficial 'small talk' based relationships with anyone who crosses their path?

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caratcake · 26/06/2009 23:34

I do have a best friend but she does not live in this village, she's amazing and we often go on holiday together. I have lots of good friends tbh but not in the village where I live now.

Am I being unreasonable to want more good friends here?

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slowreadingprogress · 26/06/2009 23:47

I'm sure you're not unreasonable; we're all different. A best friend and lots of good friends sounds pretty healthy to me. Why not just focus on them, and being polite and approachable at your local pre-school and just see what develops? just because these mums are closer than your other friends doesn't mean they will be worth having as friends....

caratcake · 27/06/2009 00:13

I hadn't thought of it like that, that's good advice thank you.

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