To be cautious about my friends new man?

[BroodyChook]

Here's a bit of background. My friend, D, has been divorced for two and a half years. Her exH had a gambling problem, and basically lost them everything. She is still tied to debts that he ran up in both their names, which she didn't know about (he'd bring her things to sign, saying it was a new DD for the mortgage etc, and she trusted him). For two years she held it together, to make sure her two sons were ok. Just after Christmas, she hit rock bottom and had a terrible time. I think it was only then that her marriage break up really hit her.

Anyway, she's picked herself up and about three months ago joined a dating site. She met a few men, simply for sex. I was worried about her, and told her so, as I felt she was putting herself in danger. She told me she was going to stop. However, three weeks ago a man contacted her from the site, and a week later came to visit her. They are now in love and talking about marriage, after two weeks.

I'm a bit worried by some of the things she has told me he has said, such as 'You don't need to work, I'll look after you' (friend, and new man, currently on benefits), 'I don't want to meet your family yet, I want to keep you all to myself', and 'You're beautiful, so lose some weight and make the most of yourself' (obviously, this is second hand info from friend) Am I being totally unreasonable on hearing warning bells about a man who seems so quick to jump in to a full on relationship, involving three kids (friend has two, he has one DS who lives woith him), but doesn't want to get involved in my friends life in any way? I don't want to rain on her parade, but I'm concerned.

Sorry this is so long!

[Flyonthewindscreen]

YANBU to be concerned for your friend but not much you can do about it really... Maybe the odd word of caution to her but if shes head over heels she won't listen. Just be there for her when/if it goes pearshaped.

[Nancy66]

Yep - frying pan, fire.

I struggle to sympathise to be honest.

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

YANBU to be worried, but all you can do is sound the odd note of caution. Probably emphasise how much the childrens' lives will be affected if things go wrong, rather than saying, "Look, this guy is already trying to control, belittle and isolate you, ditch the cocklodger fuckwit chap!" and encourage her to take things slowly.

[MrsBonJovi]

You are right to be concerned but be careful what you say in case she alienates you.

Little questions that you need to ask in a non confrontation but geuiniuelly interested why are;

What was his occupation before when he worked?
Does his DS see his mum.

How are you finding it with someone else with your children...do you find you have the same parenting styles/strictness.

Just ask these things in a casual chatty way...no even responsing to anything too badly.

You will then be asking the questions she really needs to be thinking about herself but which she is probably ignoring IYKWIM..

[imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy]

you are right to be worried, but all you can do is be there for her. She wont thank you for voicing your concerns. those comments are alarm bells, he sounds very controlling. Hopefully your friend will cast aside her lust goggles and see him for what he is soon enough.

[goodnightmoon]

does she have any concerns herself? (most people don't appreciate being told to lose weight!)

i would, in a friendly manner, try to explore further the "intriguing" things he has told her.

so - he doesn't think you need to work? can he afford to support you and his kid? when's he going to start the job? do you mind being dependent on him then if you're not working?

doesn't want to meet your family? Do you think he'll get on with them? When does he want to meet them?

he wants you to lose weight? How much does he think you should weigh? were his other girlfriends skinny? (might give more information about his past relationships)

that would be my strategy anyway ...

[SolidGoldBrass]

Well he sounds well and truly dubius but I think you might have shot yourself in the foot WRT getting her to listen to your advice. You told her not to meet men just for sex, so now when you tell her that a man who appears to want 'a relationship' is bad news, she is going to think that you are, for reasons of your own, determined to stuff up her love life.
She would have been happier and safer meeting men for casual sex than she will be in a relationship with this man, by the sound of it.

[BroodyChook]

Thing was, SGB, she was meeting random people from over the internet, in car parks. I was really concerned that something terrible was going to happen to her. I just told her that if she was going to meet strangers, she needed to make sure that she would be safe (meet in public places, phone someone at alloted time etc).

I suppose the pp's are right, and I just have to sit back and be supportive. Maybe the cynic in me will be proved wrong, and he will be Mr.Perfect and they will live happily ever after.

[SolidGoldBrass]

BC that's not how your OP came across - but you are right, everyone meeting people via internet dating/contact sites (or any other form of contact advertising) should take the basic safety precuations of check-in calls and meeting in public places... though 'meeting men in car parks' sounds like dogging so presumably she would just have driven off if she hadn't liked the look of her chosen date.