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To think that people should not expect friends to be drop of the hat childcare

(21 Posts)
norksinmywaistband Thu 25-Jun-09 14:18:34

I have a friend who constantly relies on others.
She will ring up and expect to drop a toddler and a preschooler at a moments notice for a couple of hours, so she can attend appointments that were booked weeks previously.
She has money to put them into childcare and does so when she is working, but just feels that her friends are at her beck and call.
She is about to have her 3rd child and we are dreading it.

mumblechum Thu 25-Jun-09 14:26:51

Well the answer is going to have to be no, isn't it?

I have a similar friend and whilst I do take her kids a lot, or did when they were younger, I trained myself to say no a few times when it just wasn't convenient, and not to feel guilty about it

Flyonthewindscreen Thu 25-Jun-09 14:29:18

YANBU - just say sorry but no, if it isn't convenient for you...

EldonAve Thu 25-Jun-09 14:29:32

Just say no

norksinmywaistband Thu 25-Jun-09 14:30:08

I know what you means about saying no but she weaves it into the conversation in such a way that she doesn't even ask.

Along the lines of chatting for a bit, then so its a lovely day today, are you up to much
me: no just playing in the garden with the kids.
her: oh ok well I have an appointment this pm, so I will drop the DC round for a couple of hours, see you at... bye

Flyonthewindscreen Thu 25-Jun-09 14:44:35

Never admit to having free time to this childcare freeloader, I mean friend. You are never "just hanging out with the kids in the garden", you are "up to your eyes with jobs", you are never "in all afternoon", you are "just about to pop out"....

EldonAve Thu 25-Jun-09 16:33:42

Does she ever ring for other reasons?
I'd use caller ID and not answer her calls!

GentlyDidIt Thu 25-Jun-09 16:41:37

Try this - tell her you are free all day, then when she asks to drop kids round, say no, you'd rather not look after anyone else's kids today as you've been looking forward to your free day with your own. Hard to do but worked beautifully for me in the past with someone who was really taking the biscuit.

It was very hard for her find ways to get round me not wanting to look after her kids. Actually she took it really well...

ssd Thu 25-Jun-09 16:44:56

I've just learned after a long time trying to be diplomatic to just say no I can't do it

this is the only thing that works (and trust me I've had other peoples kids dropped on me in a moments notice once too often....)

ginormoboobs Thu 25-Jun-09 18:08:20

YANBU
The next time she does it , just go out.
If she has said "see you at 2pm" make sure that you have taken the kids to the shops at 2pm.
When she calls to ask why you are not at home tell her that you said you were going out but she had hung up but you really had to go out.
She will get the hint.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Thu 25-Jun-09 18:11:04

We are dreading it?

zeke Thu 25-Jun-09 18:21:15

I agree - start saying no (and you have NOTHING to feel guilty about there) or get caller ID.

norksinmywaistband Thu 25-Jun-09 19:42:20

Fab, She does it to myself and another close friend

magicOC Thu 25-Jun-09 20:22:32

I know EXACTLY what you mean.

I helped a friend out sooooo often that when I dared say NO, she hasn't spoken to me since hmm, in other words she was just a user.

Can do without that kind of friend thank you very much.

bigchris Thu 25-Jun-09 20:26:07

start doing it back, 'oh yes i'll have yours tomo, if u. an have mine on fri'
see easy!!

GrapefruitMoon Thu 25-Jun-09 20:27:17

Does she return the favour? If not, then just say no (you don't need to give a reason). Even with friends who do return the favour I will say no to babysitting requests if I just don't fancy it - e.g. if I and dh have been out (separately) a lot all week and I want us to have a quiet night in together. I do feel a bit guilty but there is no point doing it and resenting it...

norksinmywaistband Thu 25-Jun-09 20:43:15

She would never return the favour, TBH I think although she loves her DC she just cannot cope with more than one thing at a time, and the thought of managing/ juggling daily life and the dc is too much for her

bigchris Thu 25-Jun-09 20:46:43

i think you should be brave and sit her down and say either you recipricate or the free childcare stops

ReneRusso Thu 25-Jun-09 20:53:00

YANBU. Its fine if reciprocated or if its just occasional, otherwise no. I think you will have to say no very firmly to get the message across. Be ready with lots of excuses. The more outlandish the excuse the less likely she is to argue. eg we have family therapy that day, the toilet has flooded the house etc.

TheCrackFox Thu 25-Jun-09 21:02:55

If you are not getting the favour returned then she is using you. Just say no, don't bother explaining.

dilemma456 Thu 25-Jun-09 21:34:14

Message withdrawn

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