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in not wanting to see my MIL more than once a week?

(24 Posts)
chaosisawayoflife Thu 25-Jun-09 11:05:32

Background. My mil lives abroad for part of the year. My dd is 1. Mil has just come back to the UK. I took dd over last week to see her, and am taking her today. Last night DH and I had a huge row about him thinking that me taking her once a week is not enough, and she should be seeing her 2-3 times a week! They also both think I should be leaving dd with her this week and going off and doing something on my own. I'm probably being a bit pfb about this, but my daughter spends all her time with me, I'm a sahm and don't have any other family around that she stays with. She has a bit of separation anxiety so I want to make sure she is comfortable with mil before I abandon her there. I'm planning to do so next week if she's ok with her this week.
I don't particularly get on with my mil, she is overbearing, judgemental and stubborn. She's implied in the past that she doesn't think I'm a good mum (although apparently I redeemed myself on this front) and doesn't agree with a lot of my parenting views. I know that she will feed my dd things that I wouldn't and treat her differently than I would and I'm trying to be accepting of this and suppress my pfb feelings. However, I don't think I should have to go and see her 2-3 times a week and leave her there so I can do my own thing. I had a child because I wanted a child, I'm not going to be a sahm mum forever so I want to make the most of it. We have a very busy schedule and do things together every day.
DH and I have not spoken since the row last night and I know that what he was saying was coming from his mother, not him. AIBU in only letting mil see her granddaughter once a week?

Morloth Thu 25-Jun-09 11:10:44

How come she can't come visit you?

I am lucky enough to really like my MIL and I miss the in and out visits we used to have (same with my mum).

If DH feels that strongly about it why can't he take your DD for a visit with his family on weekends sometimes?

toddlerama Thu 25-Jun-09 11:11:14

YANBU about the visits. YABU to not speak to your DH after the row. Talk to him or he will continue to side with his mum. You need to be a team on this.

Firawla Thu 25-Jun-09 11:11:51

Can you try to comprimise, some weeks visit 1x, some weeks 2x etc?
I don't think you should have to leave her there if you don't want to. I have the same issue with my PILs, i just dont really want to leave DS there as I feel he wont be happy left on his own ,tbh there are other people who seem "better" with him despite they do see often.. (he is also pfb 1 yr old)
Obviously it is important to your dh so for his sake try to visit sometimes more than once, then he has less room to complain, but dont leave her if you dont want to

PrammyMammy Thu 25-Jun-09 11:15:55

Yanbu.
Once a week with the ILs is plenty i think! If you don't want to leave YOUR dd there, don't, especially given your reasons i wouldn't. Your dd will need time to get to know her and you being there won't stop that. Your mil will also need to get to know dds ways, what she likes and how she works.
Just try get on with mil, you never know maybe when they get used to each other you will thank her for taking dd one day a week. If i had someone who would take ds for a few hours in the week i would be very grateful.

chaosisawayoflife Thu 25-Jun-09 11:16:59

I don't think it's important to dh, if it wasn't for his mum having a go then it wouldn't have crossed his mind that I should take her more than once a week. She could come and visit us but she doesn't drive so would have to take the bus. Also, she doesn't want to see me, she wants to have dd to herself.

Stigaloid Thu 25-Jun-09 11:18:13

YANBU - i rarely see my mother or DH's father. Your MIL is lucky that you take her over once a week and if you aren't ready to leave her and don't want alone time then you don't have to leave her with MIL.

Although i would say i would give my hind teeth to a bit of me time every now and then.

chaosisawayoflife Thu 25-Jun-09 11:21:33

Also, I don't mind leaving dd there, once she has got used to her and comfortable with her. It will be nice to have an afternoon to myself once a week after a year of being a full-time sahm. I am a bit of a control freak and hate the idea of her feeding lo chocolate and crisps and god knows what else, teaching her babytalk (don't shoot me down but I can't stand all that doggy woggy, milky wilky business) and whatever else she will do, but I accept that she will and it won't do dd any harm or damage.
I'm looking forward to the break next week, and have already planned an afternoon of shopping!

fruitful Thu 25-Jun-09 11:25:20

Buses aren't so terrible. Invite her along to one of the activities that you do with dd. If she says no, well, you've kindly invited and she has refused. Her call.

Say what you've said here about how you love your dd and love being with her and don't want to go off by yourself. There is nothing wrong with that. It sounds as though your MIL is not offering for your benefit anyway.

But forget your MIL now, and make up with your dh!

Runoutofideas Thu 25-Jun-09 11:31:15

I was just going to say, don;t cut off your nose to spite your face with this one.... I have been a sahm for 4 years now with very little help from family, and would love to be able to leave the children for an afternoon a week. However I agree that your LO needs to have become accustomed to being with your MIL first, and you need to be happy with the situation before you do it. I completely agree with you regarding the food and babytalk issues. My parents in law are just the same and it drives me mad. The babytalk though won't make to omuch difference if she doesn't see her that often, as you are going to influence her speech far more. I would just use the language you want her to use, and ignore MIL attempts to change it. (Ta rather than thank you was a big bug bear of mine...) Regarding the food, I think you are well within your rights to try to come to a compromise - maybe let your MIL give her some chocolate buttons once a week and choose which crisps you want her to have. (The organix ones aren't quite as loaded with rubbish as some of the others..). A bit of give and take may be the best way forward for you all in the long run, but don't feel pressured into doing anything you are not comfortable with. Get DH on side too, but without criticizing his mother - easier said than done I know!

Bucharest Thu 25-Jun-09 11:34:03

Of course YANBU.
Why can't he do it? Does he take your child to your parents?
Once in a Lifetime would be enough for me.

KittyTN Thu 25-Jun-09 11:43:32

YANBU at all, overly accommodating IMO!

I have a similar problem with my ILs. MIL only calls DH on his mobile presumably to avoid having to speak to me. I have never had a very good relationship with them but it didnt bothered me before we had our ds (18months). Since we married and had ds (I am also 8+2) I really dont want to have to put up with their behaviour. Of course I have to as they are DH's very precious family. My real problem is that DH and I are not a united front on the issue. I know that it would be better for everyone if we could be on more friendly terms but I feel that I have tried and been rejected.

MIL, like yours, is really only interested in spending time with ds alone. How unrealisitic to think that any mother would be happy to leave her child with someone who is bearly civil to them?

Sorry to have just vomited my story onto your thread! However, I can honestly say that a poor relationship with ILs when your DH is not supportive is not much fun. If it's not too late for you try to avoid this, but DO NOT be forced to do anything you are not happy with. Only leave your child if you really want to not just to gratify MIL - it's your child's needs that are important not your MIL's desires. Also I think even 1x per week is abit much contact for 2 adults who don't enjoy each others company. If your DH wants to sacrifice weekend family time to see HIS mother then that might be a way to increase contact but my guess is that he wont want to do that longterm.
Good luck!!

DandyLioness Thu 25-Jun-09 11:53:57

Message withdrawn

2rebecca Thu 25-Jun-09 11:58:53

I think your husband is being unreasonable. His mum needs to find other things in her life. Just because she has chosen to move near you doesn't mean you have to change your life to suit her. If you don't want to leave your daughter with her then don't. I think once a week is plenty. The problem here is your husband siding with his mum rather than with you. If however you're always popping round to your mums he may have a point.
You maybe need to discuss with your husband that you enjoy being with your daughter and don't want to change your routine to suit his mum who you don't really get on with. If he continues to argue in favour of his mum I would tell him you feel unsupported and upset he takes his mum's side against you. You could say that in a year or 2 you may feel differently, but not at the moment.
I'm glad my relatives lived too far away for this endless popping in and visiting stuff to be an issue. Having time to yourself can be good though, but that shouldn't be something forced on you by your MIL.
The real issue here is your husband.

2rebecca Thu 25-Jun-09 12:02:54

I'd rather visit rellies than be visited. That way you are in charge of how long you stay and when in the day you go.

2rebecca Thu 25-Jun-09 12:05:09

Agree husband could visit his mum with daughter on a weekend if he thinks more than once a week is important. I wouldn't want this every weekend though.

BonsoirAnna Thu 25-Jun-09 12:11:42

My MOL used to complain (behind our backs) that she had no relationship with DD.

I could not leave DD with her for more than very short, infrequent periods when she was little because (a) DD was breast fed (b) MOL is very unfit (c) MOL always wanted to see DD when it was convenient to her (d) MOL did not ever want me to be present when she saw DD and so DD never got a chance to get used to MOL.

It sounds as if your MIL wants to see your DD on her own terms. Offer to let her see DD on your and DD's terms - invite MIL over, ask her to go to a playground with you etc.

blinder Thu 25-Jun-09 12:43:47

In a word, nope.

MarshaBrady Thu 25-Jun-09 12:49:29

More than once a week is too much. It begins to blur the boundaries and makes it hard for you to feel like a distinct family. And it is far too much onus on you as a SAHM, your dh is at work during this time after all.

I have never thought that anybody is unreasonable for limiting a visit from the Mil to once a week (at most).

jellybeans Thu 25-Jun-09 13:23:23

YANBU I had this at first, my MIL was awful and ignored me and snatched my babies. She called daily and wanted to be the first to push DD in her pram/take her on holiday etc etc. it was far too much. She also refused to call first, in her words..'i don't need to make an appointment to see my own son/grandchild'!.

Anyway, we eventually (on a counsellors advice) limited visits and insisted she treat me civilly and accepted us as a family (ie DH not take DD round on his own as MIL wanted). Visits were about every 2-3 weeks and now, several years later we all get on quite well. DH eventually stood up to his mum and his mum eventually got her own life outside of DHs.

bertieboo Thu 25-Jun-09 13:33:39

I don't particularly get on with my MIL, but she has seen my DD weekly since she was 4months old. And from around 9months of age has spent the time with her 1 on 1.

Your MIL lives abroad, so understandably wants to spend some time with her GD when she is over in the UK.

As long as your DD is comfortable with your MIL when you take her to see her next week, then I dont see why she shouldn't, in future, be allowed to spend time with her granddaughter on her own. As you say, your DD spends all her time with you, so no doubt when you go and see MIL, your DD always looks to you, so your MIL is probably feeling a bit redundant.

Re the feeding food you dont approve of, is it really the end of the world? As your MIL isn't involved in your DDs day to day upbringing, shouldn't she be allowed to spoil her GD a bit?

I can imagine how hard this is for you, and please don't think I don't understand, but you have to ask yourself, are any of these points with your MIL really worth falling out with your DH over? He wants what's best for you and his DD, but your MIL is also his DM. He feels about her, as you do about your DD.

My MIL is the only thing my DH and I argue about. She is just as you describe your MIL - overbearing, spoilt, etc etc but she loves my DD, and they have a brilliant relationship. As mad as she drives me, I know she is just desperate for a close relationship with her GD so sometimes behaves in an unbecoming manner. As mummy to my DD, at the end of the day, I know I am top dog.

Please make up with your DH. Apologise, kiss and make it all better. Remember you are his and your DD's number 1, and no one can change that.

DandyLioness Thu 25-Jun-09 17:57:17

Message withdrawn

Frasersmum123 Thu 25-Jun-09 19:33:10

YANBU - if you Husband is so worried, get him to take your DD over to his mothers, does she not want to see her Son?

My MIL is alot like yours and once a week is all I can bear!

chaosisawayoflife Thu 25-Jun-09 20:45:09

Hi folks

Well, went to see her today. DD was ok with her, far more tolerant than she normally is so I'll leave her next week. I'm fairly certain that she'll have a few screaming fits with me not being there, but that's up to mil to deal with. I tried my hardest to be tolerant and pleasant to my mil, and I think I may have succeeded, despite swearing under my breath every 5 minutes. Also put her right on quite a few food issues, which she seemed to accept, eg she said next week she will take her to the park to see the ducks and get her an ice cream. I said fine to the walk to the park and ducks, she'll love it, but no to the ice cream. She accepted that (she may still get her an ice cream but I won't know about it so it's fine!). Will try to be more tolerant and accepting of her, and make up with dh (he's out tonight so haven't had a chance to talk about it). Thanks everyone for your advice.

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