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to be upset / angry at husband for thinking our 4 yo DS pretending to smoke is fine!!!!!!!

(22 Posts)
wheredidmyoldlifego Thu 25-Jun-09 10:08:37

Seriously - please help as am literally pulling my hair out.

Our 4 yo DS had a felt-tip this morning and held it to his mouth, then 'blew out smoke' - I asked what he was doing and he said smoking!!!!

The only adult who smokes in front of our DS is my husband's brother and our DS adores him - I've had problems with him smoking in front of our DS anyway ...

And so I say to DH (when DS not there) to ask his brother NOT to smoke in front of DS again as DS looks up to him and so is likely to copy or mimic what he does.

Husband (notice am not saying DH) said I was over reacting and should have ignored DS's behaviour and it's not a 'big deal' and that he obviously saw it on Mickey Mouse on V not from his brother - and that I was over-reacting.

Urgh... I am sooo not over-reacting - our DS had cancer last year and we've been told in no uncertain terms that if he lives to be an adult (of which there's less than a 50% chance), if he smokes, he will get cancer again 100% - given.

So which bit am I over-reacting with? How can husband blame Mickey Mouse.....and not sure I've eevr seen him smoke apart from in old black and white early cartoons which we hardly watch...and how can he not see his brother smoking impacts on our DS?????

Am I being unreasonable?

flamingobingo Thu 25-Jun-09 10:11:32

YABU about your DS pretending to smoke. It's only the same as him pretending to drive a car or shave. It doesn't mean he's going to end up a smoker as an adult. Don't all children pretend to smoke pens?

YANBU about not wanting your BIL to smoke around your DS, but not because of your DS copying him (he's going to see smoking in other places - your BIL isn't the only smoker in the world!), but because of the passive smoking risks.

katiestar Thu 25-Jun-09 10:13:43

I really wouldn't get too worked up about it.Its very disturbing to see but I am not sure that banning her from 'pretend smoking ' is a good idea.I would be inclined to use it as an opportunity to talk about how unhealthy smoking is in a casual way !

2rebecca Thu 25-Jun-09 10:17:37

If he's 4 I'd have thought he'd see parents of kids at playgroup or nursery smoking. I'd use it as a reason to have a discussion about cigarettes and why people smoke but wouldn't be any more bothered if he did it again than I would if he pretended to fire a gun.
I used to have candy cigarettes at that age.

screamingabdab Thu 25-Jun-09 10:20:38

I think you are over-reacting a bit to your son pretending to smoke, but understandably so, in the circumstances.

I too HATE smoking, and my grandad died of smoking-related bronchitis and emphysema.

My DHs brother, his partner, and DHs dad all smoke quite heavily. Like your DS, my DSs idolise their uncle. Both my sons have pretended to smoke on occasion, but I think you just have to try not to get too emotional about it when it happens, because it may make it seem more attractive. If you give your DS information about the downside of smoking, without sounding too preachy, and you do not smoke yourselves, he will make up his own mind.

My DS1, said to me only yesterday that he wishes his uncle would not smoke, as he does not want him to get ill.

YANBU to ask the uncle not to smoke around your son, because of passive smoking and the smell it leaves on clothes and in the house.

KingCanuteIAm Thu 25-Jun-09 10:21:33

If he smokes he will smell, his clothes, his breath and so on. A far better way to deal with preted smoking is to say something like "Eugh, smoking is what makes your clothes and breath smell baaaddd, yuch" then leave it alone. Your child will work out that the nasty smell on Uncle X is the fags by himself, soon enough.

You are over-reacting, with understandable reason of course but still over-reacting. It is possible he saw it on a film or even on those stupid don't smoke or your children will ads. Your child will come across people smoking, it is far better to use it as an opportunity to educate him than to try to make sure it never happens in front of him. How is he going to learn about it if the only time he sees it is when his mates are tryig it behind the bike sheds when he is 14?

mayorquimby Thu 25-Jun-09 10:29:49

yabu and completely over-reacting.

branflake81 Thu 25-Jun-09 10:31:57

YABU and over reacting. Your son was just playing. At his age I would have thought he has seen a fair few people smoking so to lay the "blame" at your BIL's door is rather unfair.

It won't make him into a 20 a day smoker when he's older.

(FWIW, I have never smoked and don't like it but still thnk YABU)

Stigaloid Thu 25-Jun-09 10:54:33

YABU in reacting to his pretending to smoke but that is completely understandable given his poor health history. It must ahve been an extremely tiring and worrying time for you watching him deal with cancer and the idea that he is mimicing something that will definitely kill him is obviously very painful, however kids see poeple smoke all over. They also pretend to be power rangers and jump off playground aparatus, pretend to drive cars and lots of other things. Don't make a big deal out of it but do ask your BIL to not smoke around your son seeing as he had cancer and secondary smoke is just as dangerous as smoking.

bubblagirl Thu 25-Jun-09 11:03:41

my ds is 4 his dad smokes and he has pretended to smoke paid no attention to it he'll see people on tv and people in the street smoke i pretended to smoke when a kid with them candy cigarette sweets

my ds also knows smoking isnt good and told my friend off for smoking saying i told you you cant smoke that and were not anti smoking obviously dp smokes family smoke but his made his own mind up

blinder Thu 25-Jun-09 13:13:43

well put Stigaloid

wheredidmyoldlifego Thu 25-Jun-09 13:31:35

Okay so totally over-reacted - have no idea what YABU means but clearly not a good thing!!!

Just want to point out I never said anything to my son about him play-acting smoking - I took no notice after he said he was smoking - so I'm not that bad a mother to make a deal out of it to my own son.

However, would be interested to know how many of those who think I am so wrong are smokers.

Children of course see people smoking, drinking, swearing from all sorts of people - TV, people on the street, playground, park etc - but I thought they take more notice of those they look up to such as their favourite uncles - That's my point - I am not stupid and cannot wrap him up so he never sees anyone smoking or anything else I would rather he didn't!

So yes, I am over-reacting BUT who wouldn't if their child has had cancer at age 3 and told they 100% will get cancer if they smoke..not that pretending to smoke means he will when he's older!

chloesmumtoo Thu 25-Jun-09 13:32:35

my dd has pretended in the past with something. I dont think I worried about it and probably just thought it was funny at the time. We dont smoke, I dont know where or who she was copying it from but i think it is just normal! Our ds it discusted by smoking from what he has learned at school and I imagine so will she when she is old enough. They see it around them anyway, out and about, odd friends, people outsides school. As long as no one smokes indoors around them then thats all you can do and I honestly would not worry over role play.

wheredidmyoldlifego Thu 25-Jun-09 13:33:27

just worked out YABU!!!

blinder Thu 25-Jun-09 13:33:34

it stands for 'you are being unreasonable' wink

screamingabdab Thu 25-Jun-09 13:38:43

wheredidmylifego I don't think a couple of people read your OP properly

wheredidmyoldlifego Thu 25-Jun-09 13:38:45

And also my query was not the play-acting / role-play - I don't think I am being unreasonable for being worried about my son...

My query is whether my husband should ask his brother not to smoke in front of him - just as I would if he swore in front of him or did something else which could be deemed inappropriate.

Just because a child can see and be aware of these things elsewhere does not mean that they're right - and surely if DS's uncle is a role model, should we not want for our children to see positive things?

Seems I've been told I am unreasonable for play-acting smoking when in actual fact it's the whole thing about role-models?

Oh well! Yet another thing my husband can use against me! He always accuses me of being over-protective over our DS - and here's yet another example.

wheredidmyoldlifego Thu 25-Jun-09 13:42:11

Screamingabdab - think we were both typing at the same time! And yes, agreed! I am being judged for one thing when I was asking about another...

I was asking for opinions on whether I am being unreasonable for me asking my husband to speak with his brother not to smoke in front of our DS not whether my son can pretend to smoke,or kill someone with a 'gun', or jump off a slide..I even hear him say he's 'dead' and sticks his tongue out like he is dead!!

Funny for him - heart-breaking for me given our whole cancer journey and his 50/50 prognosis of him living the next 5 years! BUT I do not tell him not to play dead just because of my fears. I've never told him not to jump fromhigh steps or play cowboys and indians with pretend 'guns!'

chloesmumtoo Thu 25-Jun-09 13:43:18

ohh no wonder you feel overprotective! And there is nothing wrong with that. Better to be that way.

chloesmumtoo Thu 25-Jun-09 13:48:32

where does he smoke in front of him?

wheredidmyoldlifego Thu 25-Jun-09 13:55:30

Hi chloesmumtoo - thanks for your messages - the uncle would smoke when we go out for family meals (and our DS follows him round like a shadow and sits next to him etc), or if he's playing outside with our DS, so it's not as though he smokes in our house! But he is a person our DS looks up to - I just think if it were that he swears in front our son, I don't think I'd even have to ask my husband to speak with him and trying not to swear!

The uncle is his role model and our DS copies things he does - and so it's not just the whole cancer / smoking thing, but that enhances my over-reaction to wanting my husband to speak with his own brother!

chloesmumtoo Thu 25-Jun-09 14:12:34

Yes, well I think with the anxiety your feeling about it, maybe your husband should should have a chat to explain how you feel and prompt whether he can do it out of sight of your ds. Obviously he wont stop smoking and so your ds is probably going to grow up knowing he smokes as he gets older but maybe away from sight and mind will make you feel happier. Also that your husband is supporting you as he should. Sounds like you have gone through so much and what others can do to help you both is very petty compared. Wish you all the luck. I think even though you have said he is smoking outside, you still may not wish your ds to be breathing it in sat right next to him anyway after everything that he has been through.

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