to be fed up with my mum (I'm only a teen by the way)

[FedUpDaughter]

I know, I know, I'm on mumsnet and I'm not a mum. But I want to run my mum's behaviour by some of you (I heard of you because you're in the papers all the time :p )

Anyway, I'm 19 but almost 20, at uni. My parents are very strict Christians.

I've had a boyfriend for 6 months and he is my first real boyfriend. I am really in love with him but my my parents (especially my mum I think) disapprove because he doesn't have a 'proper' job and he isn't at Uni.
I find it difficult that my mum is disapproving of him, and she's always saying things like 'why doesn't he want an eductaion' etc.

The other day she gave me a talk on how I'm 'not allowed' to fall in love. My reply was that this was ridiculous as I am almost 20 and actually it would be ok if I fell in love. She made it so I can't say I do love him, which is awkward.

Then last night I told her I was going to visit him in a few weeks for a night. She went mental and told me the 'ground rules' which are that I cannot stay over at his house. I said again, I am almost 20 and it would be my choice if I did this, and also my older bro stays at his gf's. My mum then said 'you've gone red, you better not be telling me something here'. So I had to leave it.

Unfortunately I got an STI from my bf and I find it very depressing that I can't talk to her about it. I also have ahd problems with the pill I've been put on, but again, could never discuss it.

What can I do to make her see I am old enough to make my own choices? She is very stuck in her ways. My bro is 25 and she believes he is a virgin.

I find it all very but mainly because my bf is coming to visit and I just feel she won't respect him. I don't think she will be rude but I can tell she won't like him.

Sorry, that was long! Can any mums see her perspective? I can't! Aaaargh

[Seabright]

First, have you & your bf got the STI treated? You could end up reinfecting each other repeatedly if you don't.

I do think your mum is out of touch and is probably choosing to ignore facts she doesn't like, such as your brother's relationship.

Are you living away while you're at uni? If so, the problem is lessened, although with the summer holidays approaching, not at present.

Can you tell her, calmly, that you don't agree with her opinions, although you accept that she's entitled to them. So, to keep peace you won't have him stay over at her home, and won't tell her that you're staying at his (so as not to rub her face in it) but will, from time to time, spend nights away from home. Would that work?

Is there a reason why your BF doens't work or attend any type of education? If there's no good reason, make sure you aren't getting involved with a leach - you do all the work, provide all the cash & he lives off you.

Good luck

[chipmonkey]

Oh dear! At your age I lived with my granny and it does sound similar! Do you still live in your parents' house?

[StripeyKnickersSpottySocks]

Your mum wants the best for you and she's worried that (in her eyes) your boyfriend is a no hoper with no job/prospects. Now if she's wrong about him then time will prove that, if she isn't wrong then ultimatly its your choice who you fall in love with. I'm only 32 and when I was 19 I was madly in love with a bloke who I thought was great and I cringe now about how wrong that relationship is. But at the time I guess I hadn't had a lot of experience and thought it was OK. Maybe your mum just doesn't want you to settle down too young but live your life? Of course there's plently of people who do fall in love as teenagers and it works out well.

As for her expecting you not to have sex then I know its frustrating but you may just have to let her think that you're respecting her wishes. Either that or you sit her down and say you may not like it but we are having sex, I'm old enough to and we are being careful.

I left home for 3 years to go to uni when I was your age and moved back home briefly after my degree. Even then when I went to see my boyfriend in London I had to tell my mum he had a spare room and I was sleeping in that. She probably didn't really believe me but its what she wanted to hear. She's also very religious and doesn't believe in sex outside of marriage. Your mum is stuck in her ways but she has a right to her beliefs. But it doesn't give her a right to force her views on you. So either tell her and deal with the row or let her think you ain't doing it.

Hope it goes OK when he comes to visit.

[salbysea]

I find it hard to understand your point of view because I (and most of my friends) all left home at 18 so boyfriends came round to our houseshares / halls of residence, making parents disapproval of our choice still upsetting, but not inconvenient IYKWIM.

I take it from what your mum said about education that you are in further education - if She really upsets you is there no way you could move out into halls or a flatshare?. Its kinda hard to pull the "its my life" card when you are still living at home I feel

[FedUpDaughter]

The STI thing is sorted

I am living away in term time, but I think I want to be able to be close to my mum, but obviously can't be anymore....

Bf does have a full time job, it's just not one my mum approves of. He dropped out of education to care for his mum, who is ill.

[FedUpDaughter]

Stripeyknickers, thanks for the thoughts. I can see it from her perspective if I try, and I am aware that I should respect her beliefs, but it is difficult. I was just on the phone to my bf and my mum was cross about it. Her constant disapproval is winding me up and upsetting me.

I am not naive enough to think that I will be in this relationship forever, but I do feel as though he deserves respect at the moment.

[salbysea]

there are always summer sublets and lots of students stay around uni over summer rather than going "home" for more than a vist, so if it is really getting to you you could always do that?

Does your BF HAVE to visit your mums? - if its gonna cause upset all round what's the point? go away for a weekend somewhere nice instead! or just stick to visiting him for now?

[FedUpDaughter]

It is a good idea but my mum would not be ok with me leaving over the summer. Sighhh.

No, he doesn't have to visit, but I couldn't go away with him for a weekend as she wouldn't allow it, and I think he is starting to question why my family haven't met him yet. It would be easier if he didn't come, but then I feel he may as well meet my mum some time. Not sure what the best thing to do is.

The sex thing isn't an issue, but the constant disrespect is hard.

[StripeyKnickersSpottySocks]

Have you told her that the disapproval is upsetting you?

[FedUpDaughter]

Oh. No! That's where I should start. Didn't even think of it

I'm worried I'm just being an annoying teenager and thinking 'I know best', when actually my mum does. She LOVES my brother's gf, but she doesn't even ask after my bf.

[chipmonkey]

I do think we all hope for the best for our children and I'm sure a lot of us had mothers who would have liked for us to have married doctors and lawyers, whereas we ourselves go for whoever gives us the butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling regardless of what his job prospects are!
And maybe it would be best if you went away for weekends with your bf rather than bringing him home. My own mum gave my dh a frosty reception on meeting him and I wouldn't wish that on anyone!

[ravenAK]

I shared a house at Uni with a friend & her bf. Her parents were v strict Christians & believed (or affected to believe...) that their dd & her bf had separate rooms & were saving themselves for marriage.

Whenever they visited we all had to re-jig furniture - the line for J's parents was that myself & another girl shared a room, so we'd scatter her stuff around my room & J's bloke's stuff around hers!

I think your best bet is to try not to engage your mum on this one. Don't discuss your sleeping arrangements with her. Just respect her 'house rules' & let her keep her head in the sand .

It's a shame you can't discuss your sex life with her, but you might have to accept that she's uncomfortable with it.

[chipmonkey]

Is your bf generally a charming, personable sort? Is he easy to like? If so, maybe it will all go better than you think?

[chipmonkey]

Raven, that reminds me of my dsis who was living in a flat with her bf while at uni. The flat was one of four or five in a house and all the people in the house were friend's of my dsis.
Which was all fine until my Dad, Mum and aunt who is a nun showed up for a visit without phoning first! And my dsis showing my parents into a flat which wasn't hers ( bf was in bed in their own flat) and having to make them tea, etc even though she didn't know where the teabags were!

[FedUpDaughter]

Ok, so general consensus is to put up with it! That's fine.

He is pretty easy to get on with(we've been invited to a wedding so unless he gives back word he will have to come and stay).

Maybe I will be surprised by my mum. Probably not.

I will never be like my own mother

[StripeyKnickersSpottySocks]

I think if you tell her its upsetting you, that you do understand she has her beliefs (up to you if you want to point out you don't share them and want to stay at his house), tell her that you know this may well not last (will make her feel better if nothing else) and that you would like her to be nicer towards him then that would be good.

I've been out with some shockingly awful blokes when I was younger (one bloke was twice my age) and apart from making it clear she didn't want me having sex she was nice to all of them. I think she knew if she made a fuss about them then she was more likely to drive me closer to the bloke in question and further away from her. Hopefully your mum might realise this.

[namechanger09]

"It is a good idea but my mum would not be ok with me leaving over the summer. Sighhh.

No, he doesn't have to visit, but I couldn't go away with him for a weekend as she wouldn't allow it, and I think he is starting to question why my family haven't met him yet. It would be easier if he didn't come, but then I feel he may as well meet my mum some time. Not sure what the best thing to do is. "

You are an adult, what are you afraid she'll do if you do decide to stay over the summer? I'm guessing its to do with financial support (i.e. you being worried about its withdrawl)

you are old enough to support yourself, If you choose not to then to some extent you have to accept the price that comes with that

Have you not told him the truth when he asks why he hasnt met your folks yet

[FedUpDaughter]

I'm not sure my parents would actually withdraw financial help, but my mum would be so, so angry. And she is currently unwell so I don't want that! I also am scared of her when she's angry (not like that). I could bite the bullet, be a grown up and be honest... I'm not sure why I haven't done that actually.

I haven't told him the truth. I feel the reason my mum doesn't like him is mainly because he has the job he has. I don't want him to know because he is very touchy about it and I don't want him to be upset.

[salbysea]

are there no travellodges near the wedding? or campsites? or hostels?

[salbysea]

ok so you dont want to TELL your boyfriend about your mother's disapproval, but you want to subject him to it in person??

this is a contradiction, somethings gotta give here

[FedUpDaughter]

I don't want to sound like I keep going 'yes but' to all of your suggestions, but the church is very close to the house! I suppose I could tell him to save his money travelling to mine and we'll do something different instead, some other time.

[Unlurked]

"I could bite the bullet, be a grown up and be honest... I'm not sure why I haven't done that actually."

Probably because you're 19 and still fairly new to this 'being a grown up' thing, particularly when it comes to your parents! I'm 23 and still have to stop myself from reacting to my mum like a teenager sometimes, she knows just how to wind me up!

[FedUpDaughter]

Salbysea- I don't think she will be rude to him, but she will make life difficult for me. I don't want him to feel like his job isn't good enough for me, he works very, very hard and I am proud of him.

I'm not sure what I'm complaining about anymore.

[StripeyKnickersSpottySocks]

I still dread telling my mum things that I know she'll go up the wall about. I doesn't get any easier. She went nuts 'cos I bught a camper van the otehr week. I have mu own house, job, kid, I'm married and she still went up the wall!

[FedUpDaughter]

It doesn't get easier? Pants.

Oh well, that's life. I'll chat to her about it and see her reaction.