AIBU Judging the potential childminder(23 Posts)
IME people are very judgey about childminders. They have every right to be, you don't have to be right-on or PC about where your children are looked after, you've every right to hold out for a posh privately educated CM with a posh accent if that's what you want.
Nobody's business but yours.
Sometimes it is worth pushing on through your prejudices and you'll find somebody amazing. Other times, not. But, you won't know unless you go beyond the surface.
I think you have just as much right to be picky about your childminder as about a future primary school. You wouldn't apply for a school you weren't comfortable with, right? Same principle.
Leaving your child in the care of someone else is a huge thing. If for whatever reason she didn't seem right then don't go there.
However, and i'm sure you know this the way she speaks and where she lives doesn't necessarily mean she's not a first class childminder. Just as, a nice accent, and big house may equate with a poor childminder.
I think you're just being unusually honest about the conditions on which you are judging. There has to be a chemistry/rapport between you, your child and the CM for it to work - we all judge potential childcarers according to our own social and semiotic criteria, whether we know consciously what they are or would admit to them or not. If she isn't the sort of person you feel happy leaving your dd with, that's all you need to know.
If your child is going to, potentially, be spending long periods of time with somebody then i don't think it's unreasonable to expect them to be able to string a sentence together.
I wouldn't particularly worry about the state of their house or the area but if they were thick as shite then, no, I wouldn't use them.
well, you are judging.
but clearly you don;t feel comfortable with her, and whatever those reasons are, your gut feelings are giving you second thoughts
who you leave your child with is vastly important, no good you being at work and being totally distracted, wondering if your DD is ok ...
if you don't even feel comfortable/compatible on the phone/via email, it is unlikely that will change face to face especially as you are not keen on the area she lives in
you have judged, but it is your right to judge who you leave your child with
judgement isn't a dirty word
we would all be a bit fucked if we didn't use our judgement!
I rejected a couple of childminders who had very poor English - they were speakers of English as a second language so fair enough, but not for someone who would have been caring for a toddler 10 hours a day. (And their houses felt miserable - one of them lived an identical house to mine, the other end of the same road, so this wasn't pure snobbery, just the atmosphere was really down.)
Debi's right, it's worth trying to think beyond 'someone like me' but equally you need to feel comfortable with the person you entrust your child to.
You are not common if you're judging people on their accents and spelling. Also, some people are rehoused on estates because they've been homeless and are desperate for a roof for their families, so wasn't happy with your comment that you wouldn't want your DC's there. One day you might not have a choice either. You are of course entitled to pick a childminder according to what you think is best, but for me personally, none of the above would be an issue. She might be great with children, even if she is seen as scummy by some.
YANBU. Why on earth should you leave your child with someone who you are not comfortable with? I probably would have been put off by the badly written email TBH.
As a childminders point of view, we too judge about parents! Some are lovely, others are pains in the tush!
I have to admit making a huge judgey mistake a few yrs ago.
Mum Phoned me, and I had the space available.
She came to visit, but although wanted the space, I was very wary about her paying. She said she wouldnb get tax credits til the week after so could she pay then.
I reluctantly allowed and we signed contracts.
The baby started and we struck up a real bond.
The following week, mum appeared with my fees, together with a big bunch of flowers for giving her a chance.
Apparently 4 other minders refused care .
I was wrong to judge.
Maybe you were a little bit.
I wish to be comfortable and happy in the home and area I live in, I would definately want to be comfortable and happy about the area the CM was in, as my child would be there all day long.
Speaking as a CM here, I am careful about the kids and parents I take on too.. it really goes both ways. If the mum/dad seems difficult (dodgy/snooty/offish etc.) then I will not sign them, even if I have the space... their attitude and manner towards their child, each other and me is important.
The rapport btwn a parent and a CM is fundamental - we play a huge role in eachother's lives. We need to be on the same page re so many things.
Always go with your gut, yes you are judging, but then there are good and bad judgements about everything in life. It's not a bad word.
It's up to you who you leave your children with. However, just because someone doesn't seem well-educated doesn't mean they aren't lovely with children.
The childminder I used when dd2 was a baby was very quiet and not great at spelling and what have you, but she turned out to be an absolute diamond. Dd2 was diagnosed at just two with severe autism and learning difficulties, with all the behavioural issues that implies. So many childminders might have flung their hands up and said they weren't trained for it and couldn't cope, but she didn't...she was a constant in dd's life at a time she really needed it, and we still keep in touch 6 years later. She was just a lovely, kind and patient woman. Those are the qualities that turned out to be more important to me.
You are entitled to choose your childminder, most people understand.
I used a lovely childminder for my DDs but she did move house about 3 times and i still kept using her even though it was a 14 mile round trip to get to her.
But what broke the camel's back for me was that she moved into a very rough estate, old burnt out cars in the street.
And on a few occasions i had some of the local gangs threatening me just because i had to get past them in my car (they would swagger up the middle of the street).
Also, i passed by a boy on the pavement and i thought something was very strange about him, his (friends?) had tied him up with plastic ties with his hands behind his back and all down his legs.
I stopped the car to get out, then some yobs came out of the house and basically told me to F off! as it was none of my business.
I was really shaken and mentioned it to the CM and she said they do that all the time [shock}.
Soon after that i withdrew my DD2 as she was starting pre-school anyway and i got some leaving presents for the CM as it was not her fault that she had to live in such a bad area.
Just follow you instincts, if you feel on edge, just don't use that particular CM.
Hope you find one soon!
I saw this over in the nannies/aupairs/childminders section and had to reply:
If I had children I would not feel comfortable leaving them with somebody who didn't have a good grasp of the English language or somebody who cannot communicate well, I get extremely irritated with people who can't seem to type well, unless they have a valid reason for it there's no need for it.
Surely if you had gone to meet her, it would only have been to judge her? That's how you choose employees! YANBU. Your criteria may be different to some people's, but it is valid as those are the things you are concerned about.
Just for the record though - you would not have been a potential employer, but a potential client of hers! Sooooo many people make that mistake Childminders offer a service and charge a fee. Sorry bit of a bug bare I love all of my clients at mo and am very lucky, but some parents do seemed to act like they own you!
But getting back to it, i agree on both sides in a way - when i was a child we lived in a fairly nice house in a fairly nice area, things went wrong for my family and through no fault of our own we ended up (after being shoved about abit) in one of the worst estates you could think of, it was awful, but we had to fit in to a certain extent otherwise people would make our lives unbearable, we made friends
(some close even to this day) we never let anyone drag us down and were bought up to be curtious and polite and to never judge anyone. But needless to say when i had my own family on the way the first thing I did was move to what I felt was a nice and safe area for my children to grow up! S i know how you feel - thinking of the future here but - would you let your child have a play date after school with a really good friend of theirs, round their house if they lived in a really bad area and they were really poor ? would you discourage the friendship or the other? - just curious really
It's a bug bear of mine too, nurseries aren't parents' employees, so why do people think CMs are? We are a business. I have never understood this. We are self employed, parents are our clients
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