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To not explain my situation everytime i go to toddler group or meet a new friend

(89 Posts)
BigFunUnderTheSun Wed 24-Jun-09 09:43:51

In all honesty i do wonder if i am being unreasonable but the situation is complicated to explain. There is kind of two "AIBUs?" here.

My DH and I have 1 DD together who is 5.
We split up for a few months when she was little and the woman he was seeing got pregnant.

DH and I were already back together before her DS was born and DS has lived with us since he was 2 months old - his birth mother's choice. his birth mum has not seen him since and now lives abroad. DS is 3 now and we don't ever hear from her - nothing even at christmas or his birthday

He has always called me mummy although we have told him he has a "tummy mummy" who gave birth to him. He has her picture though he rarely looks at it and doesn't ever talk about her.

My two questions are:
1. AIBU to let him call me mummy and not discourage him?

2. AIBU to not tell mums i meet at groups etc that he is not mine by birth?

warthog Wed 24-Jun-09 09:45:08

1. nbu
2. nbu

what business of theirs is it?

flamingobingo Wed 24-Jun-09 09:47:12

Agree with warthog. It's no-one's business but your own. And why shouldn't he want to call you Mummy? I called my Step-dad 'Dad' as soon as he and my mum got engaged - I was 12.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern Wed 24-Jun-09 09:47:26

YANBU on both accounts, he calls you mummy because you are being hismummy as far as he is concerned and it is no business of anyone else what your situation is.

BonsoirAnna Wed 24-Jun-09 09:47:36

You certainly are under no obligation whatsoever to explain the circumstances of your DS' birth to random strangers. You are in a complicated situation not of your own volition and it really is no-one else's business.

While I think that you are right to ensure that your DS grows up knowing the full facts of his birth, you probably don't want to overemphasise the fact that his birth mother doesn't want to have anything to do with him at such a young and vulnerable age. That will be easier to do the fewer people know the truth!

As for calling you Mummy, that sounds entirely natural. You are his Mummy aren't you? smile

LadyAga Wed 24-Jun-09 09:48:28

I don't think there is anything wrong with letting him call you mummy if it's his choice and he understands that he has a tummy mummy too.

You don't have to tell anyone anything that you don't want to. Simply steer he conversation away by asking them something about themselves.

Good for you by theway, I really admire you for taking the little boy under your wing.

Best of luck to you!

stealthsquiggle Wed 24-Jun-09 09:48:56

Why would you tell them? Do adoptive parents tell everyone they meet that their DC are adopted? To me, it would be equivalent to me telling casual acquaintances the details of the births of my DC - why would I?

(and as for 1, you are his Mummy in all that matters, so that's what he should call you!)

Tambajam Wed 24-Jun-09 09:50:28

You are his mummy so what else is he going to call you
I would only explain the birth mother bit if I was developing a closer friendship with someone and felt the need. I definitely wouldn't bother at the average toddler group unless he looked very physically different from you and someone remarked upon it.

AttillaTheHan Wed 24-Jun-09 09:51:49

You are not being unreasonable at all. As others said its none of their business anyway.
Just out of interest why would people ask? Do the two children look very very different? Or do you mention it because you think they have an idea that he is not your birth son?

BigFunUnderTheSun Wed 24-Jun-09 09:51:56

thank you for your replies

BonsoirAnna - your comment
"As for calling you Mummy, that sounds entirely natural. You are his Mummy aren't you?"
has brought tears to my eyes. I have always felt a bit of a fake as i know i'm not his birth mum and worry that if she came back at any time she would take him. Though DH is his legal guardian so would hope the courts would rule in our favour although there are no signs of her even wanting to speak to him let alone see her.

sunnydelight Wed 24-Jun-09 09:52:34

Of course YANBU, it's nobody's business but yours and your DS when he gets older. I think it's good that he knows he has a "tummy mummy", I'm adopted and I'm convinced the reason it's never been an issue for me is the fact that I always knew it was so. It's infomation he may or may not choose to share with people as he gets older.

On a practical note though, if your DS has so little contact with his birth mother have you thought about adopting him? It might make things easier if for any reason his birth mother decides at a later stage that she wants him back in her life.

AitchTwoOh Wed 24-Jun-09 09:52:41

does it come up because people ask you if they are twins? i can see why that might be awkward. tricky one.

posieparker Wed 24-Jun-09 09:52:54

You are his Mummy, why would you explain?

Lizzylou Wed 24-Jun-09 09:53:02

You are his Mummy, you don't have to tell anyone anything.

I agree with Anna, try and keep the details as sketchy as possible at this early age.

BonsoirAnna Wed 24-Jun-09 09:53:37

I would have thought, based on the few facts that you have given, that it would be highly unlikely that your DS' birth mother would be able to reclaim him in any kind of permanent way in court.

Might she agree to you adopting him as your own at some point?

BigFunUnderTheSun Wed 24-Jun-09 09:54:03

He doesn't look different to me really, looks very similar to DD, they both have very blonde hair and blue eyes.

I always feel a bit of a fake saying this is my DS although i never do explain to others anything different.

BonsoirAnna Wed 24-Jun-09 09:56:10

I can understand why it is difficult for you to say that he is yours to others when he legally isn't. He emotionally is yours, however.

I don't know anything about the laws on adoption in this kind of case, but it might be worth exploring what your rights are?

AitchTwoOh Wed 24-Jun-09 09:56:19

i think then, that you should have a look at some literature about adopting children. even if you don't adopt him formally, i'm sure that people who adopt their children from other families come up against exactly these feelings. or maybe start a thread asking to speak to adoptive parents?

BonsoirAnna Wed 24-Jun-09 09:59:44

Don't you think it would take a weight off your mind if you explored how you could adopt your DS?

dawntigga Wed 24-Jun-09 10:02:44

YANBU at all!

Mum's look after their dc's when they are sick.
Scream encouragement to their dc even ehen they know they haven't got a hope in hell of finishing in the top 30 let alone top 10.
Encourage their dc to be everything they can be and more.

Mothers give birth.

*You* are this childs mummy!


TheChilliMoose Wed 24-Jun-09 10:03:20

I think it's lovely that you look after your DS. I don't think there is any need to explain to people how/why he is not your biological child, certainly not to mere aquantainces.

dawntigga Wed 24-Jun-09 10:03:39

even not ehen - that's what typing one handed does to you!

BigFunUnderTheSun Wed 24-Jun-09 10:05:50

I think it would yes as it's always at the back of my mind that she could come back at anytime. I know it's unlikely though. She was 18 when she had him from i know about her situation from DH and the few brief times i have met her i doubt she is going to do that.I also used to worry that her friends would know he wasn't mine etc etc but we moved across the country when both DS was 9 months and DD was nearly 3.

his Birth mum has our contact details etc but we are not sure if the ones we have for her are even correct anymore.

AitchTwoOh Wed 24-Jun-09 10:08:22

yes yes yes but do people not ask if they're twins? surely their age difference is less than nine months?

BonsoirAnna Wed 24-Jun-09 10:08:57

I think you should talk to someone (Social Services?) about the possible routes for adoption as soon as possible! It sounds as if that is what you would like to do and, very possibly, what DS' birth mother would like too. It might be a lot easier than you think - and imagine how lovely it would be once it was all settled smile

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