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To be getting to the end of my tether with DH?

(16 Posts)
Satsuma1 Tue 23-Jun-09 20:24:14

OK, so this is going back somewhat, but to get a picture of why I'm p***d off I have to give some background (I'll try to make it brief).

We married in 2000 and had no success getting pregnant until a successful 3rd IVF attempt which resulted in our gorgeous DS being born in Feb 08.

Shortly after I found out I was pregnant, DH suddenly announces out of the blue that he wants to do a part-time MBA. 3 years of evenings/weekends/holidays, dedicated to doing a course which quite frankly (in my opinion) is pretty much null and void in this economic climate. I categorically tell him I don't want him to do it. He goes behind my back, borrows £15,000 from his parents for fees and enrols anyway.

Fast forward to when DS is born. He arrives 3 weeks early, healthy but jaundiced, so I'm in hospital for 5 days to get bf established. DH is off for this week, but is back to work as soon as I get home. This is fine, as I was actually coping OK.

To get to the point, I'm annoyed because he's just been moaning that I'm the only one who can settle DS. He can't do it because he's never b**y here at bedtime. He's coming in after 10 at least 3 week nights because of MBA stuff! His holidays have been taken up with studying too.

I'm annoyed because I went through hell and back to conceive. Don't get me wrong, I was desperate to have a baby too, but so was he supposedly. I just feel it's a bit of a kick in the teeth that he suddenly commits so much time to doing a course (of questionable worth in today's market) at exactly the same time he should be enjoying our son who we had waited so long for.

AIBU to feel this way?

lucyellensmumisgreat Tue 23-Jun-09 20:35:00

dont have time to post but YANBU he is being selfish.

hotbot Tue 23-Jun-09 20:36:26

no yanbu,
imvho most <my dh> dads are crap at the new baby thing and get much better at the toddler thing, not long now.....or at least my dh was, despite telling all and sundry that he would be marvellous, do all the nappy changes and feeding - not req as i bf but you get the picture
<waits to be flamed for gross generalisation>

ReneRusso Tue 23-Jun-09 20:37:51

YANBU to feel this way and also he is NBU to want to do the MBA. Presumably he firmly believes it is worthwhile investment of time and money. No-one actually in the wrong, but of course its frustrating that he is not around as much as you want. Have you had this conversation with your DH? It might help to talk about it if it doesn't descend into a shouting match.

BlueBumedFly Tue 23-Jun-09 20:41:25

yanbu

My dh is never here due to work and he gets stroppy when dd (2) will only come to me. I do every morning, nursery run, every meal, every bedtime. Go figure, it hacks me off.

philopastry Tue 23-Jun-09 20:54:04

Agree with Renee.

He is not out socialising, and is presumably doing the MBA to further his career and earn more money in the future, something which he obviously thinks you will all benenfit from.
Fatherhood can make some men very (overly?) aware of their responsibility to 'provide'. My DH did the same thing, did an MA when my DS1 was tiny, used to work v long hours and then be studying too and it did drive me mad, but I did draw some comfort from knowing he really was only doing it for all of us.
Keep talking to each other - try to see how you can make the situation work better for you both. How much longer will he be studying for? You still need some help and time off whatever he is doing and if DH can not provide that, is anyone else around that you can ask for a bit more help?

barnsleybelle Tue 23-Jun-09 20:55:08

I think this is a difficult one tbh. Is he doing the MBA to advance his career and ultimately provide more security for his family? Maybe that is what fuelled his drive.
Mt Dh went to work overseas just as i was pregnant with our second. He stayed home for 2 weeks after she was born and then went back to Africa to work. for the last 2 yrs he has been away for 3 mths then home for 3 wks. I do get frustrated that i am at home alone with 2 children and then when he does come home our youngest still wants me.
However, i understand that he is away as he can earn much more money, i was able to leave work and ultimately our future financial situ is far more secure.
Sometimes having a baby changes how you see things and maybe he's thinking long term.
I totally understand how hard it is doing most things yourself, but maybe you should take some time to have a good chat.

DrEvil Tue 23-Jun-09 21:02:04

YANBU. I would have been so hopping mad at the borrowing of £15000 behind my back that it may well have been a deal breaker for me.

I cannot bear duplicity and in this situation your dh has to understand that the consequence of doing what HE wanted to do rather than discussing with you what was best for the family is that his youngest son doesn't get to spend much time with him.

Sorry if I seem harsh but I speak as someone whose dh works away for months at a time and who also has to suck up the consequences of it.

Satsuma1 Tue 23-Jun-09 21:26:39

I totally see what everyone's saying about DH doing the MBA to further his career. However, MBA's really aren't as valuable as they used to be and certainly aren't the golden ticket they once were.

I wouldn't have a problem with it if I could see the point. I have asked him to provide me with the evidence that this is going to benefit us all in the long run, but he hasn't been able to do that. From my experience, he would be better off putting in the extra hours at work and making his mark there rather than thinking another qualification will be the answer.

If he was guaranteed a great promotion and lots of extra money at the end of it I would put up and shut up. However, that simply isn't the case.

SomeGuy Tue 23-Jun-09 21:30:39

Education is a good thing, generally, and it won't last forever. I'm sure a female poster on here in your dh's position would get support for doing something like this.

risingstar Tue 23-Jun-09 21:46:25

right, i did a p/t mba over 3 years, completed in 2006. it was worth it and is proving all the more so in this climate-i see it as security. maybe it will not catapult him to the top of the pile, but it will be very valuable on his cv as someone who is willing to stick it out and get through the course. it also is very good if he wants to change direction.

i worked full time and mine were 4 and 6 when i started. I totally and utterly understand your point of view, i totally do. However, when mine were babies I spent a lot of time at home on my own because hubby was out working long hours. I honestly think that having kids often makes men suddenly wake up and want to do something extra to provide for their families.

the way i coped with it ( and i didnt study 3 nights a week) was to establish what exactly i needed to do to pass each assignment or exam and tailor my efforts to meet that. the difference in effort between a pass and a distinction could easily be a marraige.

i also took the view that between June and october i did nothing at all, didnt pick up a book, read ahead or anything, this worked for me.

I have to say that what helped was having a husband who totally and utterly supported me. He may not be able to draw a direct line to more money or promotion right now but equally it could be the difference between employment and none.

I think that you need to think about and draw up some agreements between what time you need him to be there and what it reasonable for him to spend on college work.

agree he shouldnt have borrowed money to do this without your agreement but he must really be devoted to the cause to do it and stick with it.....maybe these are admirable qualities?

pointydog Tue 23-Jun-09 21:51:30

If your dh thinks an MBA is worthwhile and if he his determined to work hard for it, then I would let him do that. It seems to be very important to him so I can't really see why you are so dismissive of it.

It sounds like the real issue here is the support you are getting as a new mum. It is hard when a baby comes along and pre-conceived ideas have to be adapted and compromises reached. I think you need to tell him how you are feeling about being a mum rather than talking to him about his work/studying.

Satsuma1 Tue 23-Jun-09 21:56:54

OK, so having the dedication to do an MBA on top of a full-time job is admirable and he deserves credit for that.

I just think he could get what he wants more easily by planning a little better rather than just randomly deciding an MBA is the answer. I work part-time now, but my position is at the level he's looking to get to and I managed to do it without an MBA. I suppose I think that if I can do it, why can't he?

If he really thought an MBA would be a great career boost, maybe he should have done it 5 years ago when I was busting a gut doing masses of hours to get where I wanted to go.

I accept that there's very little I can do about it all now. I also accept that he's doing all this with the best intentions. Sadly, I also have to accept that he's never going to get this time back with DS and it unlikely our relationship will ever be the same either.

barnsleybelle Tue 23-Jun-09 22:08:18

satsuma.. i feel for you as it sounds as though you are having a hard time. DH misses 9 months of every year of time with our children but i understand and respect his reasons. It seems maybe things are deeper than just the MBA issue?

Satsuma1 Tue 23-Jun-09 22:20:27

It's deeper in the sense that when you go to hell and back to give someone something they are so desperate for (in this case a baby), for them to suddenly choose a path which results in them never being around to appreciate what they're so lucky to have (I'm lucky too of course!). He doesn't get that he's missing out on so much of the great stuff. The stuff he cried about not having when we thought we would never have children.

He seems to have forgotten what it was like and what we both went through. I just think he should be around to appreciate what a fab wee guy we have. Time which should be spent together as a family. Time he'll never get back. Not time with me and DS together and him stuck in lectures and the library.

barnsleybelle Tue 23-Jun-09 22:29:33

I assume you both went to hell and back together though? Your post kind of sounds as though only you suffered in your attempts to give your husband something that he wanted. Maybe i'm wrong but it kind of sounds a bit self sacrificing. Do you think that because he doesn't see him as much as you he doesn't appreciate him?
Have you actually told dh how you feel?

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