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To think that, actually, my mother could look after DD while i go to see my counsellor.

(74 Posts)
lucyellensmumisgreat Tue 23-Jun-09 10:08:31

At home, instead of trapsing the poor soul all the way over on the bus when i have said that DD is tired and run down this week and could do without a sweaty hot bus journey.

Also, is it too much to ask for the ONLY thing i do all week for ME to be effective so that i can have some time to myself after my counselling to assimilate what has been said and get my head straight. Its not so much DD that does my head in after my counselling session but my mother.

Ive dropped enough hints, and even today on the phone i said that i didn't think DD was that well so maybe she could stay at home with her. My mum made it pretty darn clear that she wouldn't be happy about that.

She knows i go to see someone "about my nerves" and this week they are torn to shreds over a health issue and i NEED to see my counsellor, otherwise iwouldn't go.

lucyellensmumisgreat Tue 23-Jun-09 10:10:11

I do understand that my mum is doing me a favour, that she thinks its nice for DD to be able to go on the bus, then go to the park and then we go and have something to eat. Its nice but im pretty strung out after my sessions. Also, there is a fecking beach two minutes walk from my house - its not like there is nothing for her to do with DD at home.

traceybath Tue 23-Jun-09 10:12:04

You're not being unreasonable but if your mother doesn't want to help out i think its just a bit pointless trying to make her and then getting annoyed that she doesn't.

Is DD at pre-school/school or anything whereby you could see counsellor during this time.

I know its hard when you don't have help - will be dragging 17month old to consultant appointment tomorrow which i'd much rather not do.

gingernutlover Tue 23-Jun-09 10:12:07

do you mean your mum wont come to yours?

thats a pity seeing as its a one off because she isnt well, but I suppose it is her decision.

I think YANBU to ask her, or even to have expected her to say yes to be honest. But just go with it and at least you still get to go to councelling.

lucyellensmumisgreat Tue 23-Jun-09 10:33:52

its not just this week, i really need some head space. Going though a bad patch and the only support i get is from my counsellor. How sad am i

traceybath Tue 23-Jun-09 10:36:44

You're not sad but unfortunately your mother is probably just acting as she always does.

Counselling is important for you so if i were you i'd make sure that i got some childcare in place to cover it. So assuming counselling is a one hour session - get DD into nursery/pre-school for the whole morning. However i know thats easier said than done especially with the school holidays approaching.

Is there a friend who could help out - so you swapped childcare for one morning a week?

Or any chance you could see counsellor in the evening when your DP could look after your daughter?

Asana Tue 23-Jun-09 10:47:57

TBH, I think YABVU. Have you read your OP? The recurring theme is me, me, me. Your mother has no obligation to babysit your DD. That's why your DD is YOUR DD and not hers. Dropping hints is also rather childish. Just ask her straight out. Why drop hints which she may not pick up which then leads to you being annoyed with her (unreasonably, I might add)?

I understand what it's like to feel isolated - both my parents have passed away and I don't have any family living nearby. However, I had a child in full knowledge of this and realised that my "me" time, be it serious or frivolous, would be severely curtailed.

If your mum insists that she can't or won't babysit your DD on this occasion, find someone else that can do it. Failing that, you'll have to take her with you. You'll just have to assimilate what has been said with your DD with you. Not ideal, but hardly impossible.

My advice to you would be to find someone you can pay to babysit your DD as a regular, professional arrangement which means you won't be left rushing about at the last minute when it may be much harder to find someone who is willing and/or available.

gingernutlover Tue 23-Jun-09 10:51:18

lucyellensmum how old is you dd?

could she go to preschool or to a creche for a couple of hours a week?

nametaken Tue 23-Jun-09 10:52:36

YABU - make your counselling appointments when your dd is at nursery.

Nancy66 Tue 23-Jun-09 10:53:00

I also think you are being unreasonable. It's not your mother's job to look after your child. she has done her child rearing and if she doesn't want to do any more she doesn't have to.

If your counselling is important to you than it's your responsibility to arrange babysitting around it.

anastaisia Tue 23-Jun-09 11:15:32

She has arranged babysitting, she's arranged for her mother to babysit.

YANBU to expect that if you mum says yes then she should take your and your DDs wishes into consideration. If she doesn't want to do that then she should just say no if you ask her to babysit DD. But as you can't change her behaviour then you should find someone else to mind DD for you instead.

NoTart Tue 23-Jun-09 11:28:20

I think some of you have been incredibly harsh here..

OP, Í hope you´re feeling better soon, your mother doesn´t sound very sensitive to your needs when you´re clearly at the end of your tether.. How old is your child? Have you got used to being a parent yet? Do you have any other kind of support, other than your mother?

If your mother is not prepared to care for your lo, you really need to work on finding someone who is willing to help. If you have a baby, you could move nap time to the counselling session time..

Do you have a leisure centre nearby that run a creche? This can buy some time to yourself that might make you feel better and get you some exercise.

lucyellensmumisgreat Tue 23-Jun-09 11:38:21

Message withdrawn

morningpaper Tue 23-Jun-09 11:43:35

Perhaps your mother feels a bit funny about the counselling, e.g. "What have I done wrong that my daughter needs a counsellor?" and so she is trying to sabotage it a bit?

Sorry about it all anyway, it is a shame she isn't being more understanding.

Thunderduck Tue 23-Jun-09 11:44:35

No need to shout.

And no it really isn't her job. It's yours. Of course it's lovely if she helps, and I don't think 1 hour a week is too much to ask, but she doesn't have to ask.

You don't sign up for life,and even if you do it's for your own child, not your child's child.

Nancy66 Tue 23-Jun-09 11:45:34

You've done the classic MN thing of saying one thing in your original post and then (after people reply) you come back with another story.

lucyellensmumisgreat Tue 23-Jun-09 11:57:45

I think its a LEM classic too Nancy I think it just demonstrates my inability to get my point across blush

I'll clarify - or i'll try.

Ive been attending counselling for over a year. At first i really didnt want my mum to know - she worries. She has worked it out for herself but doesnt really understand why etc. She is of the "ooh, mental illness - must be a nutter" type school. Ignorance - not her fault. So i never made a big issue of it, also on the times she hasn't been able to do it i didn't want to make a big deal of it.

Anyway, now my mum sees it as an afternoon out - and its a nightmare of my own making i guess. I try and point out that actually its stressfull all round and it would be better if she were to have DD at home. But in her mind i think she sees it as depriving DD of a trip out on the bus.

Sorry for shouting.

I do think that babysitting, when convenient is part of the grandparent remit. Thankfully most GPs are up to the task. Its pants if they are not. My ILs would jump at the chance but they are not local. I don't think it should be expected or that parents should take the piss, but i do think it should be something that GPs do.

lucyellensmumisgreat Tue 23-Jun-09 11:59:21

morningpaper - that is a good point. Ironically, its her overbloodyprotectiveness as a child that has turned me into a nervous wreck of an adult. But you can't blame a parent for loving their child too much. The opposite would be a lot worse.

MrsEricBana Tue 23-Jun-09 11:59:45

I do really feel for you in that some things really are very very difficult to do with children with you - counselling in partic as you obv don't want them listening. On the flip side I don't think it is her job to look after your DD, much as it would be very nice if she did. My mother won't look after my dc at all and never has, as she thinks she won't be able to cope if ds has a strop etc. Hope you can sort it out and get someone to sit with dd. I do also thing that morningpaper has a good point - my mother was very sniffy about me going to counselling - perhaps some old fashioned view about it being self indulgent or mumbo jumbo I think.

callalilies Tue 23-Jun-09 12:00:48

So it's not that she won't look after her - she is - it's just you'd prefer her to do it at home.

It's not 'her job' to babysit for you, that isn't what you 'sign up for' when having children. Many people don't have parents locally who are even able to babysit. You are lucky to have that and by saying it's your mum's job, you are coming across as though you think you are entitled to it.

However as she is there and able and willing to babysit, I don't think you are unreasonable to prefer her to do it at home. 'Hinting' isn't the way to go though, having a chat with her about it and explaining the reasons is far more likely to be successful.

duke748 Tue 23-Jun-09 12:03:16

Lucy, I don't think it nice to swear at somebody who has taken the time to answer your question, just because its not what you wanted to hear.

I know that you are having a hard time at the moment, but please do respect other people.

ItsAllaBitNoisy Tue 23-Jun-09 12:03:31

You need to apologise to Asana too.

"Grandparents Remit?" Lol. My DD will be told to take a running jump if she treats me like that in the future.

lucyellensmumisgreat Tue 23-Jun-09 12:04:12

of course im entitled to it!! shes my mother! tis her job! obviously! hmm im going - digging a hole for myself trying to answer people who are deliberately twisting my words.

lucyellensmumisgreat Tue 23-Jun-09 12:05:54

Message withdrawn

Thunderduck Tue 23-Jun-09 12:06:57

No you aren't entitled to it and no it isn't her job.

You brought your dd into the world, you are responsible for her until she's an adult. Your mother made you, she's responsible for you until you became an adult. She is not responsible for your dd.

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