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To change my DD's school under these circumstances...

(14 Posts)
TheMitsubishiWarrioress Mon 22-Jun-09 14:37:04

Sorry this is long, but I really need to clear things up in my head before I make a major decision.

I have been trying to have it recognised for nearly three years now that my DS has been verbally bullied. He is an effervescant boy who doesn't present himself as an obviously bullied child, but he has been very unhappy on and off for a long time. The school have implied that he is being manipulative and attention seeking, and he is indeed a very difficult child to manage. But in my heart I have felt that no child goes th this extent to make themself unhappy.

I am not very confidant myself and have really struggled with confronting the issue, and I am massively at fault for this.

The school says the right things but I have been increasingly concerned that we are not being taken seriously and their bullying policy is good on paper but not put into practice. they are losing a lot of pupils for various reasons, and a friend has suggested I become a governor to try and change things but with ill health, a job, a broken marriage and a child with emotional issues, I think I would be taking on too much. As much as I recognise that soemthing needs to be done.

He recently received a letter from a female friend who stated that she was sorry he was been picked on and that it was not fair that he was the only one they ('the boys') picked on.

When I discussed this with the headmistress (who is 'lovely' to talk to), she shrugged and said a child had recently left that had regularly complained that our DS was bullying him. (especially since september)

NOTHING had ever been said, and I approached the mother who confirmed this was one of the reasons, but not the only one, she had removed her child from the school.
I have spoken to DS who has admitted some of his behaviour was out of line but that the teachers had again NEVER dealt with him about it.
The other mum thought we had been spoken to and done nothing about it.

So DS (leaving this term for secondary school) has possible been consistantly bullied for years with me struggling to get any notice taken, and has himself become a bully.

DD is 6. She has friends but is not all that happy at the school.

The grandmother of one of her friends uses foul language in front of my DS's and one of the other mothers of one of D'Ds friends has been noticeably under the influence of drink when I have picked my DD up.

But it will be a wrench to her nonetheless. The village school is much easier to get her to. I don't drive and it will complicate my day to have to get her to the other school, but I just don't want her there in an environment where my DS has both been, and become a bully. For all his faults...he was never guilty of this before, he is just very challenging.

The lunch time supervisors are not very helpful IMO, and there are so many issues that I have seen and felt were wrong but am honestly a bit of a wimp, thinking I would make things worse by making an issue of them.

The school DD's Dad and I are looking at is reputedly completely different and has similar ethics to mine,

I want DD to be happy, but fear for her going through a school that has dealt so badly with DS.

The school DC's also now know that H and I have unofficially split up and have cited this as a cause for DS's overall behaviour, and I do not deny in any way that this also has a massive impact on DC's, but the two issues also need dealing with separately

katiestar Mon 22-Jun-09 14:52:21

God it all sounds depressingly familiar to me!Our HT is the world's biggest drip and says all the rigyt things but does bugger all.
My DD is so frightened of the girls in her year she won't even make eye contact with them and will not speak above a whisper to these girls (if at all).So the teachers cite this as a reason why the others won't let her play
we are in a small village school about 60 kids and it will be very difficult to move her -but we might be left with no choice.

AMumInScotland Mon 22-Jun-09 14:54:10

I think if your DD is not happy there, and you are obviously (and rightly) concerned about how little they attempt to deal with bullying, then I'd be very tempted to look at the other available schools and see whether you feel they'd be better.

It sounds like you've lost all trust in their standards tbh, so I think it would be a struggle to keep sending her there with any hope of having a good relstionship with them.

ChippingIn Mon 22-Jun-09 16:10:00

I think you could all do with a fresh start for the new school year. Nothing this school does from here on it is going to be right for you (understandably) and once you have lost that faith in them, you can't send your children there.

Your DD isn't happy there - that alone is enough to move her, without the history with your DS.

I hope things start to pick up for you x

TheMitsubishiWarrioress Mon 22-Jun-09 16:57:24

I am seriously am starting to think it is me, and my values are out of synch with modern life.

Maybe I am bringing up children that can't cope with modern banter between peers because I don't want them to be the kind of children that F and blind at such a young age.

Is it the norm now at 11?

Do I toughen them up to swear back, or keep making a stand in the hope that they learn to think for themselves?

I am fed up and yet another incident at school has knocked the wind out of my sails

AMumInScotland Mon 22-Jun-09 19:49:49

No I don't think it's you - you've said yourself that another family have pulled their child out because your DS has become a bully (I don't blame him, it can seem the only route out sometimes) and yet you have never been brought in to deal with the situation.

I expect the school has a bullying policy - I think they have to now - presumably it says something about involving the bully's parents to try to resove the situation? So, they haven't, just like they didn't when your son was the victim.

This looks like a school that refuses to admit that it has a problem, and takes no steps to deal with it. School doesn't have to be like that. They can deal with things, or at the very least try to!

posieparker Mon 22-Jun-09 19:52:46

The school sounds very poorly equipped to deal with bullying, I would write to the LEA and change schools.

screamingabdab Mon 22-Jun-09 19:57:31

Mitsubishi No, I don't think it's you. My DSs go to an inner-London school with children of mixed ability and social background, but swearing etc is not tolerated at the school.

TheMitsubishiWarrioress Mon 22-Jun-09 21:07:04

I have just spoken in depth to one of the parents...she says the school have never contacted her, but the boy has admitted, that he and the other lads do pick on my DS as a gang. He says he does it because the others do it and he doesn't want to be bullied himself.

We are going to move DD.

Grant me to grace change the things I can not accept, and to accept the things I can not change......

mrsrawlinson Mon 22-Jun-09 21:18:55

.... and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill along the way! grin

I'm so sorry to hear that your dealings with this school have been so horrid. It sounds like you've made a positive decision for which you'll all be happier. I do hope so.

TheMitsubishiWarrioress Mon 22-Jun-09 21:22:21

gringrin...yes, I have banned myself from sharp pointy objects for the time being.

doobry Mon 22-Jun-09 22:14:43

I think moving her is the right thing to do.

mamas12 Mon 22-Jun-09 23:01:43

Change schools now you will not be sorry

caramelwaffle Tue 23-Jun-09 20:32:39

I agree with mamas12

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