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To be a bit pissed off for my ex not wanting to see daughter on fathers day?

(22 Posts)
monkeyfacegrace Mon 22-Jun-09 09:36:35

I have no idea why Im so pissed off, and my OH thinks Im being a bit unreasonable, but my exH didnt even ask to see our daughter on fathers day, not even an hour, or a phonecall, nowt. Now she is only 2.5yrs so cant talk on phone yet etc so maybe Im just needing a rant, but he makes out he is this fantastic father, but last week he said while dropping her home, 'cant have her on my next weekend cuz will have just got back from a lads holiday and wont be in a fit state'. Ahhhhh shes your f-ing daughter, I will tell her that when you haven't seen her for 6 weeks then shall I?
Rant over.

Stigaloid Mon 22-Jun-09 09:49:55


giantkatestacks Mon 22-Jun-09 09:51:35

Its really annoying because its symptomatic of the relationship but fathers day are for fathers and not the kids - its not like her birthday - so if hes not fussed then it doesnt really matter - the kids dont really care do they...

monkeyfacegrace Mon 22-Jun-09 10:08:05

No she isn't affected at all, except at nursery they made fathers day cards, so she gave it to her stepdad. I guess its that (a) he is a halfwit for not caring (b) she will be aware what it means soon and then what do I say and (c) the holiday thing was just the icing on the cake!

posieparker Mon 22-Jun-09 10:13:14

It's a terrible precedent. If he's not bothered this year it doesn't bode well for years down the line.

monkeyfacegrace Mon 22-Jun-09 10:18:37

sad so why on earth is he taking me to court for rights to take her on holiday? Its so confusing, he wants to brandish her picture around the pub and gush about his princess, but wont actually pay, help discipline, or care about events! My head is just messed over this, it doesn't make sense, nothing follows a pattern. When he is going to go 6, yes SIX weeks without seeing her cuz of his holiday, should I just allow the overnight to continue or is it too long a gap for her? I dont know what to do and so I hope you dont mind me getting it out my system on this thread.

Aeschylus Mon 22-Jun-09 11:00:14

the amount of time between visits aside...

perhaps like me he thinks Fathers Day is a money making scheme for fat cat card manufacturers...

be angry for not seeing his daughter is fone, but a lot of men could not give a crap about Fathers day.

monkeyfacegrace Mon 22-Jun-09 11:07:08

No its not that, the fathers day that we were together he went over the top, got all excited and took us on a family lunch. Hes the type to get involved with everything!
I understand that could have been the reason, but Im pretty sure (unless he has totally done a life change in the last 2 years) that its not it.

ChippingIn Mon 22-Jun-09 11:13:36

monkeyfacegrace -

All you can do is keep a record of his visits, comments etc and hope that if it comes down to it, he wont be allowed to take her.

If he wasn't taking you to court I would say to keep trying to sort out dates for him to see her and for you to help her phone him (if she's talking of course) and stuff like that, keep pushing the contact for her sake, but in your situation I wouldn't do anything to encourage contact.

Of course I wouldn't stop him seeing her if he calls to arrange it (or you have a generally working agreement already) - unless there's a good reason for it.

You could use this as an excuse to stop the overnights if you want to strenghten your case against him taking her on holiday, but (in reality 6 weeks between visits is not a reason to stop overnights.

Fathers Day - did he even know it was Fathers day when he said he wouldn't see her - lots of men are quite oblivious to it beforehand! As others have said, maybe he thinks it's just commercial crap or maybe he thinks she's too young for it to matter - all quite valid points and your DD is too little to understand he should want to spend it with her... so I wouldn't upset yourself too much about it x

monkeyfacegrace Mon 22-Jun-09 11:42:58

Thanks ChippingIn, he's 20 and lives with his mum and dad in quite a close family unit so yes he would have known.
He sees her every other weekend, from Sat till Sun, and has been for ages, except when he feels ill/has a stag do/holiday etc (which I dont actually think is too bad, as I use babysitters etc), but he never tries to rearrange the visit, just goes a month or whatever with no contact.I dont want to stop overnights as I think our daughter enjoys them, she comes back filthy, covered in choc and stinking of fags, but seems happy enough so after my first thread on here Ive kinda chilled out a bit and live by the fact that twice a month cant hurt living that lifestyle really.
But I hate hate hate that he makes out he is this doting father to solicitors, family, and friends, then acts like this on the sly. I used to be really close to his mum so I care what she thinks, though I shouldnt.
I guess I just started this thread to let off steam, and cant help wondering what is going on in that tiny head of his!

posieparker Mon 22-Jun-09 11:54:38

You may want tio talk to him about a couple of short visits before going overnight again as it may be a little tough for her not having seen Daddy for so long? But I wouldn't stop overnights as it gives you a break and your dd a better relationship with her Daddy.
The smelling of smoke thing would drive me crazy though.

monkeyfacegrace Mon 22-Jun-09 12:03:44

Yeah and Im an ex smoker so Im one of the worst anti smoke ppl you could meet!
The whole daddy thing is hard, as it started off being my OH was called by his name, and daddy was daddy. I was really firm with this, but when I had a son, and she started nursery, she just started calling my OH daddy. We corrected her a few times but she just looked confused so we have let it be until she is old enough to explain, assuming she calls both daddy. Now, whenever he picks her up, she calls him by his real name, and whenever we talk about him now, its just become his name, nanna and grampi. (she sees all 3 every time).I dont know if Im totally wrong letting her do this, but she seems happy, but I know when she is with her real dad, they make her call him daddy and she just reverts back to using his name when she gets home. So hard!

posieparker Mon 22-Jun-09 12:35:32

Monkey, you sounds like you're doing a great job.... perhaps exh will come to his senses and be deserving of the 'Daddy' title. Seems as if your DD has a great family as well as a 'real' Dad.
I don't know how people that seperate do it all, I would be such a bitch to my H if we split up....

2rebecca Mon 22-Jun-09 13:07:06

My kids spent fathers day with me not their dad because we had other things arranged nothing to do with father's day. neither of us are that into these days, and when arranging the weekends we hadn't remembered it. I think they were with their dad on mothers' day.
To me it's sad he's having to go to court to take his daughter on holiday. Learn to share her and let her love him. Don't make an issue over things that don't matter like Hallmark card days.
I think it's sad your daughter calls another man dad. Would hate to hear mine call another woman mum, and I always refer to my kids' dad as "dad" when talking to them about him, and make sure they get him a fathers' day card.

MrsMichaelSchofield Mon 22-Jun-09 13:15:37

monkeyface - if exdp is having to take you to court to be allowed to take dd on hol, then this presumably means you won't allow him to presently? TBH from your thread it sounds like you're a little bitter about his going on holiday at all, yet he'd like to take DD if you'd let him?

If you're calling the shots over access in this way, then you're BU to get bothered over Fathers Day

ChippingIn Mon 22-Jun-09 13:50:57

monkeyfacegrace - 20 shock, so he was 17 when you became pregnant? Well, tbh, I wouldn't expect much more than you get from him at that age (in the way of support, maturity, common sense). I'm not condoning it at all as I assume you are equally young and very probably didn't ask to be in this situation either (making huge assumptions here, I realise and could be way off the mark, sorry if I am) and you have had to grow up very quickly.

I think you tend to assume other people are more your own age, without even thinking about it, when you reply to a question. Whereas you are young enough to be my daughter... blimey grin.

You have a new DP and a son with him don't you, she calls your new DP Daddy (I have the right person don't I??) I hope you all had a lovely Fathers Day together x

<ChippingIn - pondering on how to better keep track of who is who and how young some lucky people are >

ChippingIn Mon 22-Jun-09 13:53:12

LOL @ X -post - that will teach me to go and answer the phone mid post and not start again!!!

See what old age does to ya grin

posieparker Mon 22-Jun-09 14:00:58

I have to disagree that it's sad to call step daddy 'Daddy', I think it makes a lot of sense for the little girl who is 2.5yrs.

IDidntRaiseAThief Mon 22-Jun-09 14:06:02

not not at all. even if she doesn't understand it, he knows he's a father, and you'd think he'd like to spend it with her.

my dd is 7 andshe is really upset there was no mention of her dad wantng to spend time with her, his dad's abroad, so any other legit plan he made, wasn't really a good enuogh excuse.

monkeyfacegrace Mon 22-Jun-09 14:47:32

Thanks for the advice and oppinions guys, its much appriciated.
ChippingIn, yes Im young too, but a little diff to most people my age. I had to grow up as I almost lost mum to cancer when I was a kid, so kinda took on roll as mum to my younger sis. That spiralled and I ended up running my own buisiness and owned my own home by 18. (albeit mortgaged but thats a tiny detail wink) So our daughter wasn't planned, but very much wanted by me, and I was well prepared to be a single mum.
I see both sides about the whole 'daddy' title thing, thats why I dont understand how to handle it. Ive not mentioned it to my daughter as she seems more than happy with it, gets so excited screaming daddy when he gets home from work, and Im a little hesitant to confuse her happy little ignorant life. Shes a child-she has plenty of time to deal with adult emotion. I may be totally wrong, but Im doing my best sad
We had a lovely fathers day though thanks, just had it on the back of my mind all day as to why exH hasn't bothered/remembered.

ChippingIn Mon 22-Jun-09 15:22:45

monkeyfacegrace - I'm sorry you had to go through nearly losing your Mum and growing up fast - but glad it was a 'nearly'

Do you still have the business you were running?

LOL most peoples homes are mortgaged and let's face it - at least you have a good few years to pay it off!! grin

You are doing a great job, a lot better than many women with many years more life experience. It's lovely to grow with your children. There is no 'right' time to have them, just 'different' times.

I would let her call them both Daddy, she doesn't know that most people only call one person Daddy and your DP is there everyday, her (half) brother calls him Daddy, at that age when there is a man in the house doing all the bringing up and loving - why would she not see him as 'a' Daddy - there's plenty of time later on for her to be more aware of her bio-Dads feelings. I'm sorry if he gets upset by it, but he needs to put her needs first. Also, your DP needs to know from the beginning that she is likely to go in and out of doing this and that it might be difficult for him to feel 'demoted' back to his first name at times x

IDidntRaiseAThief Tue 23-Jun-09 07:43:04

chippinin, thats a great post.

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