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to think that when a child goes off the rails it isn't always the parents' fault

(25 Posts)
maryz Fri 19-Jun-09 22:08:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VinegarTits Fri 19-Jun-09 22:12:16

I dont think the parents are always to blame, peer pressure has a lot to do with it

Doodle2u Fri 19-Jun-09 22:12:41

Honestly and in RL - yes.

With my MN head!!!

With specific regard to teenagers, when I see the destruction and hear the language (esp. around my own two younger children) and the threatening feeling that comes over me when a group walk passed's always during the evenings and I always think - why don't the parent's know where they are!

RumourOfAHurricane Fri 19-Jun-09 22:13:48

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FluffyBunnyGoneBad Fri 19-Jun-09 22:14:44

No, it's no ones fault. The teenage years are so hard for everyone, all those hormones etc. It can be hard for parents, they can see their child self destruct and their child doesn't listen to them. I'm not looking forwards to ds's teenage years.

Saggarmakersbottomknocker Fri 19-Jun-09 22:18:23

maryz - sorry that things are tough.

I don't believe it's ever one person's fault. It's easier to blame the parents than look around and realise that society as a whole has to shoulder some of the blame.

On the flip side I'd like to think that mine turning out OK so far <touch wood> is all down to me, but realistically I think it's been more luck than judgement.

Doodle2u Fri 19-Jun-09 22:19:04

Just had a thought - with regard to older teenagers, did you see Custardo's thread from a few weeks back - she had to tell her son to leave it got so was heart-breaking thread but bless, once she'd slung him out, he came good, found a place to live and got himself sorted. If she hadn't done a good job bringing him up, he wouldn't have had the wits or the balls to deal with his new situation.

maryz Fri 19-Jun-09 22:22:03

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2shoes Fri 19-Jun-09 22:22:14

I do agree but sometimes it is.
we have been tormented by 3 teens for nearly 3 years, I do blame their carers as they could have stopped it.
but ds's mate is going of the rails, his mum and dad are lovely and do all they can, sometimes it just happens.

maryz Fri 19-Jun-09 22:23:36

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Doodle2u Fri 19-Jun-09 22:27:24

<<puts head back round the door & whispers...>>

I used to escape over our flat garage roof and be out til all hours when I was 15, so you do realise that whilst I judge the parents own father was perfect and it was all down to get that right!? blushgrin

ReginaldBosanquet Fri 19-Jun-09 22:32:14

I'm one of 4. Two older ones - absolutely terrible teenagers, two younger ones - well behaved teenagers. All brought up the same. Two older siblings still trouble although they are now in their 50s.

2shoes Fri 19-Jun-09 22:34:22

maryz you might find the awful one is the one you can most depend on in the future, this happened to someone I know

mumeeee Fri 19-Jun-09 22:34:40

I don't think you should always blame the parents.I know some very caring parents that have always been suportive of thier children but have a serious problem with one of thier teenagers.

Rollergirl1 Fri 19-Jun-09 22:35:26

I am sure you are doing a good job. But it's not as simple as that. I was 7 and my brother was 5 when my mum and dad split up. It didn't affect me atall but it did my brother. He is still messed up now. That is through nothing that my mother did because i think we had, despite the divorce, a fairly healthy up-bringing. But he (my brother) is quite damaged. And I am not. I don't know why.

Sorry, not sure i've put minds at rest. You are who you are. You are not to blame.

alurkerspeaks Fri 19-Jun-09 22:37:46

I know a whole pile of people who were a complete nightmare as teenagers (kicked out of school, climbing out of windows, getting pissed all the time, drugs etc.).

Many are now pillars of the community.....

saintlydamemrsturnip Fri 19-Jun-09 22:41:23

I don't blame the parents. I have 3 very different children - they are their own people. We don't have as much influence as we like to think as parents.

midlandsmumof4 Fri 19-Jun-09 22:49:13

Maryz-I agreee with Vinegar,its not your fault. You have two who are OK-there is hope for the 3rd. He may turn out OK. My BIL did. He was the youngest of 7 and the absolute nightmare teen, you wouldn't believe sad. He now has a good job and a lovely family. Don't give upon him. As for other parents avoiding you? They should be ashamed.

maryz Fri 19-Jun-09 23:00:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

midlandsmumof4 Fri 19-Jun-09 23:20:24

Ok, so I'm going to ask the obvious. Do you know why is he so unhappy? Probably not-teenagers are notoriously uncommuniactive and they can't always give a reason.

hercules1 Fri 19-Jun-09 23:21:41

I know lots of fab parents with teenagers who are horrendous.

maryz Fri 19-Jun-09 23:37:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

midlandsmumof4 Sat 20-Jun-09 00:02:56

Oh, Maryz-I know this doesn't help one jot. Am so sorry, I didn't realise things were so bad. In your situation I would probably have had more than a few glasses-more like a bottle sad. Cannabis is not the answer for him-it ultimately suppresses the underlying problems (which you probably already know). You need some seriously professional help girl-although you know that don't you?

Ivykaty44 Sat 20-Jun-09 00:09:05

No the parents are not to blame. 95% of teenagers actions are set by their peers and there is no getting away from that.

The nicer your teenagers peers are the more and more likely your own teenager will also be pleasant.

Unfortunatley you can not pick your tennagers friends much as we would like to it just doesn't happen that way.

Appart from that our teenagers are their own people and the more we have supressed them over time as an entire groupp, getting them to stay on at school longer and longer and not pushing them out inot he world to work and fend for themselves the worse teenagers have gotten.

OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper Sat 20-Jun-09 00:23:44

Half the time people just don't like teenagers merely for being teenagers. The assumption is that if they're out and about and wearing hoodies (don't all kids wear them nowadays?) they're up to no good.

The aim of good parenting is surely to prepare children to go out and function in the real world independently of us -but some people seem to view the very existence of teenagers as a threat - they'd rather they were invisibly tucked up at home (I did that throughout my teens - I wish I'd had the courage to break out a bit.)

I hope you can get some help for this sad boy, and for yourselves.

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