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to be really really angry that only women are once again being blamed for leaving having babies too late??

(247 Posts)
littlestmummystop Fri 19-Jun-09 16:32:12

Where the feck is the man's responsibility in all this?? angry

A straw poll of my friends. . . 4 out of 6 felt broody and wanted babies in their 20s despite all also having great jobs. None of their boyfriends also in their twenties were 'ready' so none of them did.

I had a baby at 24, then my exP decided he was too young to be a dad ( at 28) so he left. I've been a single parent since.

So what are women supposed to do? Make ultimatums, have a baby earlier and risk being a single parent? Or leave it till their menfolk are 'ready' to settle down, which among the middle class lot appears to be around 35, and then risk leaving it too late? Why are women being solely blamed for this??

pramspotter Fri 19-Jun-09 16:35:16

Totally agree with you. It's always a no win situation for women. Men have the right to do what they please, women pick up the pieces.

hotbot Fri 19-Jun-09 16:46:52

feck em....
my mum married and 2 kids by the time she was21.. i am 38 and expecting n0 2 , was 36 for dd.
cant commmnet as my mum was a very yuong mum and it amazing - and tho i dont feel it she says i am too....grin
so do your own thang

hotbot Fri 19-Jun-09 16:47:31

crap at typing sorry

littlestmummystop Fri 19-Jun-09 16:47:43

The subject was discussed on the Wright Stuff, and Matthew Wright, who comes across as pretty anti-family himself, didn't once mention man factor in a woman's decision. . .

The fact is most women would RATHER have babies sooner than later. . . yet they cannot.

Why can't the ' have baby by 35' experts acknowledge that?

woodenchair Fri 19-Jun-09 16:47:53

YANBU The only reason I had to leave having children until 36 was because DP 'wasn't ready' (I hate that term, such a fucking cop out) he then decided he didn't want 2 close together so I'm now knocking 40 with high blood pressure and no prospects of having any more.

Not my choice!

sarah293 Fri 19-Jun-09 16:50:07

Message withdrawn

barbigirl Fri 19-Jun-09 16:54:42

YANBU- there is far to much blame and stereotyping of women going on in this 'debate'. Until boys in their twenties engage with the issue ( ie NEVER) it won't be solved or even properly discussed. I'm pleased you said this as it's turning into a discussion between women, with men not even featuring in the mix!

littlestmummystop Fri 19-Jun-09 16:55:00

One woman I know did put her foot down and nagged.

Every year her H said: 'Not yet, next summer, next Christmas. . . not ready, blah blah. . .'

This went on till she was 36 ( they'd been together for 12 years) then he dumped her, crying 'too much pressure.'

She was devastated having wasted her childbearing years on him. But was painted as demanding and nutty.

Women are constantly told never to issue ultimatums. But what's the alternative? Men are encouraged these days to enjoy an extended 'youth' into their late 30s, but women cannot biologically keep up . . .

hotbot Fri 19-Jun-09 16:56:08

cant beleve we are getting worked up over experts- when we really know that they know nowt - i wasnt ready for children- dh had been ready for years. i think we are still married <up to now> because we are both mature and both know the children come 1st

sarah293 Fri 19-Jun-09 16:57:00

Message withdrawn

spiralqueen Fri 19-Jun-09 17:03:53

YANBU - most of the men around in my thirties didn't want children full stop. I met my DH in my early forties and we were resigned to not having a family but were exceedingly lucky to get pg accidentally when I was 44.

I think the emphasis should be focussed on pushing men to father children earlier but I think it would be pretty hard convincing them to take the issue seriously.

littlestmummystop Fri 19-Jun-09 17:07:07

Yes Hotbot, but the 'experts' get quoted in the media and set the tone for society in some ways.

It's become socially acceptable to point the finger and 'blame' the woman, instead of opening up a proper debate and degendering the issue.

Very very few women who really want kids, purposefully leave it too late. It's very often the man who is stopping them.

expatinscotland Fri 19-Jun-09 17:11:01

'One woman I know did put her foot down and nagged. '

She obviously didn't put her foot down hard enough. Because I was married to a man like that, no way I'd have just gone out with somoeone for 12 years, and when he said he didn't want kids, I took him at his word and divorced him.

Satsuma1 Fri 19-Jun-09 17:14:33

YANBU.

Women are pushed to get a good education and have careers. Many people simply haven't met someone they want to have children with until their late 20's and like everyone has said, generally men don't seem to want to have children until even later.

We got married just before I turned 30 and weren't in a financial position to start trying until I was 33. It took another 4 years and several IVF attempts before we finally had DS last year (unexplained infertility). All of my friends had babies in their mid-thirties and conceived with little trouble. We were just very unlucky and the chances are we would still have encountered problems if I had been in my twenties.

Women can't win. We are however our worst enemies and are so critical of one another. I just ignore these articles and debates now as they make me so angry.

makipuppy Fri 19-Jun-09 17:21:27

I'm livid about this!

I churned through a long line of commitment phobes before finally finding a man willing to reproduce when I was 39. We waited a year, he wanted to wait even longer!

Riven I did the same as you - no contraception, take it or leave it. I was also very vague about my ovulation dates blush. I conceived at 41 and right now I'm looking at my swollen belly thanking my lucky stars because this could easily not have happened.

Is the pill really such a good friend? I mean, I know it has given us great freedom, and I took advantage of that freedom, but there's always a downside and it's made our fertility so controllable we are expected to control it.

I will almost certainly have only have 1 baby which is about four less than I wanted.

TheCrackFox Fri 19-Jun-09 17:21:45

YANBU

Once again women get blamed for everything. I think a lot of men are having an extended childhood and women are waiting for them to grow up and be ready to start a family.

Luckily for me and DH we got drunk and had a happy accident when I was 28. grin

lisianthus Fri 19-Jun-09 17:22:04

YANBU - this winds me up too. I know plenty of women who just haven't been in a long term relationship (despite wanting one) until their 30s. You can't force someone to fall for you. What are you supposed to do then? Walk into a bar and announce "OI! who wants to get me pregnant?!!"

makipuppy Fri 19-Jun-09 17:22:52

crackfox i always think it's hilarious when they say alcohol is bad for your fertility grin

memoo Fri 19-Jun-09 17:24:52

Fanstastic thread littlestmummy, I am ashamed to say I have never thought of it like that before but you are totally right!

Its just typical really isn't, women get the blame for bloody everything

spicemonster Fri 19-Jun-09 17:25:07

YANBU - I think it is largely men who want to wait. As I have posted on the other threads about this matter ...

SparkyFartDust Fri 19-Jun-09 17:26:58

YANBU!

I was ready from 25 onwards (been with DP for 3 years at that point).

He was not ready until 10 years later. He was so not ready that he left me stating that he felt pressured by my broodiness.

I had to choose between him or my desire to start a family back then.

It was worth the wait though.

slowreadingprogress Fri 19-Jun-09 17:37:08

I'm against the grain personally, wasn't ready till 34 but DH would have had a child in our twenties.

Good friend has had the opposite; went out with her boyfriend for ten years, they split when she was 40. Inspiringly she has gone on to marry and have a baby but like makipuppy maybe she will only have one when really she would have liked more.

Totally, totally agree that this latest report is very carelessly and at best unthinkingly slanted so as to 'blame' women. Takes two to make a baby, or not make a baby!

Noonki Fri 19-Jun-09 17:40:03

YANBU

just about every woman bar one I can think of who is in their thirties or forties without kids is because of a man saying they are not ready.

mayorquimby Fri 19-Jun-09 17:40:34

"DH said he wasn't 'ready for babies' but I insisted."

yes insisting someone has a child they don't want before they are ready is much preferable.

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