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To keep my DS's biological father out of his life?

(18 Posts)
MumGoneCrazy Wed 17-Jun-09 10:41:08

(Long post sorry blush)

When i was 15 i got into a "relationship" with a 21 year old he was controlling, emotionally abusive, aggressive and possesive. He never actually hit me but made me feel scared n cower a lot, he constantly checked up on where i was, phoning and texting me 50-60 times a day, i tried to end the relationship on a number of occassions but he would threaten to kill himself and once even slit his wrist or so i thought (the cut was a bit further up his arm but he made it look like his wrist was bleeding)

After 6 months i finally ended it for good but he started stalking me, phoning me my brother my parents we all had to change our numbers and change the lindline number as he was ringing it constantly he followed my mam to work and threatened to petrol bomb her house with her in it and he was often seen standing outside our house in the middle of the night, during this time i found out i was pregnant i decided to keep the baby but never to tell my ex as i was scared of what he would do.

Anyway after 2 months he just disappeared and i never heard from him again until last june just before my DS's 8th birthday someone claiming to be ex's sister phoned my mother and gave her his number and said they had got her number from the friends reunited site where she had posted her number looking for long lost relatives and had seen her family tree and that i had a son which co-incided with the time i was with ex, so after a long chat with my mam she phoned him and told him about DS thinking he might be different now and grown up but he hasnt sad

Since he found out about his son he's seen him once in the august, wrote him one letter in which he told DS that he takes steroids when he goes to the gym and phoned him twice

However he's texted me everyday about 20-30 times a day asking if ive missed him, if theres any chance of us getting back together, calling me darling love sweetheart and all this knowing im in a 5yr relationship with the love of my life whose given me 2 gorgeous DD's and we have another one due in sept.

Not once in these texts has he asked about his son it seems that he's only concerned with me and im NOT interested and he knows this. My DS dont like him and has said that he does not want to see him again (not because of the texts as he doesnt know about them) the reason being that when they met in august X practically ignored DS and only spoke to me and my mam although i did my best to try and involve DS but X only gave him 1-2 word answers and never asked him anything back.

DS has said that DP is his father as he has been in his life for 5 years giving him everything he needs and wants and all the love in the world (i cried when he said that blush) my dilemma is do i ignore X and carry on the way we are as a happy normal family and DP being the only man in his life or do i try to make X have more to do with DS?

Also X isnt on DS's birth certificate so would i need his permission to change DS's name (he has my maiden name and when me and DP gets married DS wants his name changed to DP's) and we've also talked about DP adopting him would i need permission for that?

Thank you if you've read all this and sorry about my grammer and any spelling mistakes im writing this in a rush as i have to take DD1 to nursery and still havent dressed her yet blush

MumGoneCrazy Wed 17-Jun-09 10:47:44

Also the other reason why DS dont like him is because when he met X he asked him to play cars with him and X looked at him stupid and said no afterwards he said that was mean of him im glad daddy (DP) isnt like that he always plays cars with me like when he 1st came to our house and he played cowboys and indians with me for ages sad I couldnt believe he remembered that as he had only just just turned 4 at the time

Stigaloid Wed 17-Jun-09 10:48:57

Oh gosh - i have no idea about the legal wranglings of it all but i think that as you were not married your DP does not have equal rights here and it should be okay. not sure on teh adoption front - you will need to check up on that but i don't think you need ex's permission to change DS's surname when you get married (congrats by the way)

Sounds like a really stressful situation - hope you are all right and your pregnancy goes smoothly.

Good luck

islandlassie Wed 17-Jun-09 10:52:08

I am usually against people keeping father and child seperated unless having a REALLY good reason.

You have a really good reason.

Have you told X to leave you alone? Can you get a restraining order? Be careful, he doesnt sound sane!

If you have a REAL dad for your DS that is great, leave it at that! Your DS said thats what he wanted anyway. You can hold your head high and say that you gave X a chance of being a dad! His fault!

No you wouldnt need his permission i'm sure.


4andnotout Wed 17-Jun-09 10:54:55

I changed my dd1's surname to dp's surname after we had dd2, there is no fathers name on her birth certificate and we have no contact with him and it will remain that as way. If you have sole pr you can change it by deed poll. I did mine when i was 16 myself but had been using it since my mum and dad (not bio) got married when i was 2.

theDreadPirateRoberts Wed 17-Jun-09 10:55:09

Pretty sure you don't need X's permission for anything, as he's never established his paternity, and there's no record of him in connection with your son.

I would talk to a solicitor about getting a non-molestation order against X - keep records of all the contact - as this amounts to stalking.

And make it clear to DS that he doesn't have to have anything to do with X if he doesn't want to. I believe (though I'm happy to be corrected) that at 8 he's old enough for the courts to not impose any compulsory contact order - and that's if X got his act together sufficiently to establish paternity and persuade the court that he'd be a positive influence in DS's life.

So chin up - talk to a solicitor - it'll come right smile

NewTeacher Wed 17-Jun-09 10:55:42

you dont need permission to change his name.

But you will need permission for DS to be adopted. Even though ex isnt on birth certificate he could ask for a paternity test and from results could kick up a fuss.

Having said that he doesnt seem to be interested in your DS more in you, so maybe he wont make a fuss.

Good Luck with new baby!

MumGoneCrazy Wed 17-Jun-09 11:04:25

X has never had anything to do with DS even the csa dont know about him as i told them i didnt know who the father was so i dont have money off him and i dont think he has any legal right to my DS unless he demanded a paternity test (could i refuse one of those?)

theDreadPirateRoberts Wed 17-Jun-09 11:06:17

I don't think you can refuse a paternity test, but if he demands one then you can demand maintenance through the CSA... Talk to a solicitor - get it all out and clear in your mind


MumGoneCrazy Wed 17-Jun-09 11:10:39

Thank you all so much you've eased my mind a bit now as i was feeling a bit guilty as i was torned between what i wanted (X no where near my family and keeping DS to myself) and what i thought was the right thing to do (letting my DS get to know his other family)

X no longer texts as i have got rid of my mobile so now we only have the landline (which number he doesnt know) and DPs mobile (which number he also doesnt have) X does sometimes send me friends requests on facebook but i have blocked him so have family members grin ive also heard that he has had a girlfriend since last september which is when all contact with DS stopped hmm

theDreadPirateRoberts Wed 17-Jun-09 11:22:39

Do just see a solicitor though - you should be able to cover the main points in the free half-hour session most of them offer - and it'll stop all this lurking in the back of your mind later on...

grumblinalong Wed 17-Jun-09 11:38:08

YANBU to tell you ex that your DS does not want any contact with him. Your DS has stated no contact explicitly and it is right to listen to his opinion and not subject him to contact with a disinterested father out of a duty to do the right thing.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and I hope your silly ex doesn't stress you out too much.

MumGoneCrazy Wed 17-Jun-09 11:50:45

Thank you Grumblinalona i was just worried that in 8-10 years time that i would get the blame for him not having X in his life

I guess while he's still saying no contact i'll do that and if he changes his mind i'll just give him X's number and tell him to deal with it himself lol

racmac Wed 17-Jun-09 12:05:50

If he is still harassing you as much as this - keep a detailed record of everything and go to the police - they should be able to have a word with him if nothing else.

Do not let the police fob you off and tell you to see a Solicitor force teh police to do something.

You may get an injunction but unless you get benefits its going to be expensive.

grumblinalong Wed 17-Jun-09 12:20:26

I wouldn't worry about being blamed - if your DS wants to contact your ex when he is older you can show how supportive you are by initiating contact and letting your DS make him own mind up.

My DS1 didn't have unsupervised contact with his dad for a year when he was a baby (due to exp's drug abuse). Exp keeps mentioning this to DS1 (nearly 6 now)and I just tell him that his dad wasn't able to look after him properly then. DS1 is fine with it because we (DP, DS2 and I) have always been the constant, stabilising force in his life.

blinks Wed 17-Jun-09 12:39:16

oy! woman. have you called the doctors yet?

told you i'd stalk you.

blinks Wed 17-Jun-09 12:40:33

oh god, just read your post and realised how inappropriate the stalking reference is.


please call them though or i shall be worried all day.

MummyDragon Wed 17-Jun-09 12:43:26

MumGoneCrazy - you have obviously had to deal with a LOT of cr*p thanks to this man, not least the stress and emotion caused by being pregnant at 15. I take my hat off to you, I really do; not only does your DS sound like a lovely, sensible, deeply thoughtful boy who loves your DP as though he were his "real" dad (I had a tear in my eye when I read that too), but he is also mature enough to realise that his "real" dad is no good for him. Congratulations to you on having raised such a grounded, gorgeous child. smile

Congratulations too on your pregnancy. As others have said, do see a solicitor to find out where you stand re the adoption, and definitely don't worry about your DS not seeing X. He's had his chance and he blew it big time. Your DS will not blame you in years to come; he will thank you for providing him with a loving, caring family and for being a fantastic mum.

<<wipes eyes>>

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