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crying because woman I have spent a lot of time trying to cultivate a friendship doesn't want it

(63 Posts)
sycamorehelicopter Wed 17-Jun-09 09:23:27

I am a grown up woman so this is pathetic. I have lots of nice friends so this is even more pathetic.

Everyday at work I'm confronted with a woman who is new and I went out of my way since the Autumn to befriend her, and she was happy to oblige in that she was quite chatty and came back to mine for coffee and dinner with her dh.

I've also had her dc over more than once and as her dc and mine get on well.

She hasn't reciprocated once so it's highly mortifying when she arranges to meet up with others in earshot of me. I am too sensitive to point this out to her (of course or even want to dwell on it really) and as I'm pretty popular anyway I have lots of others to talk to and am always being asked to lunches/ etc.

I am just so stunned by this rejection especially as I'm not really a clingy/jealous/type. She is nice enough to me but she is obviously avoiding me I think.

I am cool about it on the outside and remain cordial and polite but inside I am so hurt I felt like my self confidence has nosedived and I'm unable to get a grip. I would go as far as to say it has plunged me into a kind of depression.

I don't go out of my way to speak to her any more but she has badly affected me. How can I move on when these overwhelmingly humiliating feelings come back to me everyday now?

It's really made me question myself and how I come across.

brettgirl2 Wed 17-Jun-09 09:26:12

I think it's more of a reflection on her. There are 60 million other people in the country, forget about her!

Uriel Wed 17-Jun-09 09:26:33

I think you sound lovely. smile

Does she meet up with other people in their houses - perhaps she has an issue with her house?

toddlerama Wed 17-Jun-09 09:27:57

I'm so sorry this happened. Completely understand that you feel embarassed, but please don't think it's your fault. Sounds like you were very friendly and kind to someone in a new situation and even if she doesn't want to be good friends, you can leave your door open to her. Don't let it affect your self confidence - you sound like a lovely person to know!

Life would be so much easier without other people....

MavisG Wed 17-Jun-09 09:28:26

She sounds charmless. You sound warm and friendly. Be proud of that and move on, you can.

dilemma456 Wed 17-Jun-09 09:28:32

Message withdrawn

TeriHatchetJob Wed 17-Jun-09 09:28:34

You should be proud of yourself.

You've gone out of your way to make her feel comfortable at work and spent time, effort and money inviting her to your home.

She hasn't even had the manners to include you in her arrangements or invite you to hers for a coffee even.

Some people, like her, are drains, whereas you are obviously a radiator. (I do love that similie/metaphor - schooldays were a long time ago!!)

Move on, be cordial in passing but do not waste any more of your time worrying about her.

SusieDerkins Wed 17-Jun-09 09:31:16

She quite clearly doesn't have the manners she was born with. She sounds awful. You, however, sound lovely.

Put her to the back of your mind. Concentrate on your proper friendships - perhaps even share what's happened with this woman with your friends and tell them how you feel. They will be shocked and tell you what a good friend you are.

thumbwitch Wed 17-Jun-09 09:33:20

sycamore, have you posted this post before? I remember seeing one almost identical to this not that long ago (although I can't remember which topic it was in and therefore can't find it)

She has obviously triggered some past school age or younger rejection memory. Ignore it, move on. Perhaps she is jealous of you, perhaps you came on too strong, or perhaps she just doesn't click with you as much as you thought you clicked with her.

Whichever, there isn't anything you can do about it apart from adapt your own response to it - in the end, if she's lacking in common courtesy, is she really someone you want to be friends with? I don't think so.

Hope you feel better about it.

shootfromthehip Wed 17-Jun-09 09:33:37

Oh poor you, this has happened to me and the first thing you do is question yourself. You have mixed feelings about it as you initially made the friendship out of niceness, not out of a need for friends and then are left high and dry feeling hurt. All I can say is remind yourself who your real friends are and remember that she would have eventually let you down if she's acted like this now.

I moved to a small community and have been really wary of forcing myself onto people as a result of my own experiences and have no doubt missed the oppertunity to make friends with some really nice people. I now feel lonely and a bit isolated. Don't let it get to you the way it did me sad

thedolly Wed 17-Jun-09 09:34:32

For those of you who are interested this appears to be sycamorehelicopter's first post ever on mumsnet.

thedolly Wed 17-Jun-09 09:36:17

thumbwitch hmm

thumbwitch Wed 17-Jun-09 09:37:34

what's with the hmm, thedolly?

shootfromthehip Wed 17-Jun-09 09:38:44

Oh here we go again- can we not do this please people.

Boco Wed 17-Jun-09 09:39:19

Why is that relevant? It's hardly a contentious topic, someone feeling insecure about a friendship. People often name change when they feel embarrassed, don't you think that it's a little odd to be pointing out that it's her first post?

GoodWitchGlinda Wed 17-Jun-09 09:39:25

I would back right off from her and be bright and breezy but totally indifferent around her, so then she feels a bit stupid for 'avoiding' you, like there is any need!!

She sounds like an idiot and you sound nice, so just drop it and move on.

thumbwitch Wed 17-Jun-09 09:40:13

do WHAT? I am not accusing her, I am saying that there was a very similar post before, I was trying to find the thread to link to so that she could get all the responses from that, if she wasn't the OP of that thread!

FGS. Settle down.

CurryMaid Wed 17-Jun-09 09:42:33

Thedolly, there was a poster called sycamoretree, I'm wondering if it's her with a new name. Doesn't appear like a troll post to me, just my opinion though.

shootfromthehip Wed 17-Jun-09 09:43:10

Thumb- my comment was regarding the hmm from thedolly- not your post.

Giving a link to another thread is a nice thing to do in these circumstances

sycamorehelicopter Wed 17-Jun-09 09:43:51

Yes they go back to her house. She has a lovely property by the sound of it but so do I. I know there are plenty of other people but it is the fact I have been really kind and I think, thoughtful, offering to have her dc to help her out last week etc, which makes it hard just to forget about it/her. Also I see her every day.

I am like that to a lot of people because I enjoy helping others and don't expect reciprocation, but in this case, I cannot get around the apparent snub. Usually when you are nice, others are nice back!

We are in a similar circle and another woman closer to this one invited me and dc to hers at the w/end and gave me a spontaneous hug which was so lovely. I had worried I was not coming across very well but everyone else is lovely to me.

I would love to be closer to these others but I only work pt and they all work different hours to me so it's difficult.

If I could find a way to be closer to these others it would make me happier but they've all got busy lives.

I am fairly new too.

MrsMcCluskey Wed 17-Jun-09 09:43:59

Sh I am in a similar situation and am cross with myself for being so bothered as like you I have plenty of other friends.
I think it is just the 'bad manners ' of it all.
I would never be so insensitive and cant understand it when others are.
I would go for the 'indifference' attitude now.
Thats what I will mainly be doing.grin

Bramshott Wed 17-Jun-09 09:44:01

I think the similar post you are thinking of thumbwitch was a school-gates friendship.

Agree with others sycamore - just smile and rise above it!

thumbwitch Wed 17-Jun-09 09:49:24

you are right, Bramshott, it was - another mum rather than a work person. You don't remember where it was do you? There was a lot of good advice on it.

giveloveachance Wed 17-Jun-09 09:50:31

Does it matter if someone posts twice on the same topic? ARe there rules about it then? lol

It is hard when you feel rejected and most people can identify with the terrible feelings. What you cant do is second guess and blame yourself for why she has not reciprocated.

There are a couple of mums I know who have been to my house with their kids loads and loads of times but i have never been to theirs! I still invite them as the kids get on and I think, well I'm happy to host. If they don't want to, so be it. I dont see them as my best friends or anything, so it doesn't bother me that I haven't been invited back. (one of them did recently tell me, its cos she feels her house is too small compared to mine - she is doing the comparison not me - i just smiled and said and I bet its lovely and tidy, not like here!)

giveloveachance Wed 17-Jun-09 09:53:44

sycamore just reread one of your comments - about the other mum who gave you a hug - hold that thought, you are nice, you are liked - maybe the other women in question is a bit jealous of you.

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