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to think this has to be more than nature vs. nuture

(33 Posts)
bluerinsebeauty Mon 15-Jun-09 19:35:54

I have 3 dc's and they are so different I am sure it has something to do with my husband.
My eldest is a complete nightmare, he is in detention nearly everyday, he has no respect for authority and he and his dad just wind each other up the wrong way all the time and have been at each other's throats since the day he was born

My middle child is wonderful, she is bright, gifted, polite and always thinking of others, my DH obviously dotes on her and will do anything to make her happy.

My youngest is a bit of a worry, she seems to be developmentally delayed, she is not really a baby anymore but doesn't talk abd shows no inclination to. DH tends to forget about hersad he does love her but gets distracted easily.

What can I do about this? Can children just be that different?

HerBeatitudeLittleBella Mon 15-Jun-09 19:42:51

Of course it's something to do wiht your husband.

"have been at each other's throats since the day he was born"

Now I know you're using hyperbole there, but the fact that ever since you remember, they've been at each other's throats, means it's your DH's fault. A one hour old/ nine month old/ 3 year old child can't be at his Dad's throat unless he's been taught to be. By his dad, on the whole.

Sorry but I think it's absolutely horrible of your husband to openly favour his daughter over his son. Disgusting behaviour from a grown man. As to what you can do about it, I don't know. What do you want to happen, in your ideal scenario?

bluerinsebeauty Mon 15-Jun-09 19:45:36


bluerinsebeauty Mon 15-Jun-09 19:46:50

Ds1 was a veyr early talker and used to hide DH's stuff purely to wind him up.
Dh is not a good father, I know that, he is an even worse husband, going out to the bar all hours of the day and night, sometimes forgetting to go to work.

NeedaNewName Mon 15-Jun-09 19:47:27

You know sometomes people just dont get on, not anyones fault, however in this case your DH is the adult and should make more of an effort.

You need to make him see its not personal, they just (atm) don't see eye to eye, but with some effort on hos part things will improve.

Can you find something they can do together just the two of them? Remind your DH before he leaves that this is to make life easier for everyone.

BTW how old are your DC?

Hassled Mon 15-Jun-09 19:47:45

It's clearly nurture. Your oldest is operating on the basis that any attention, however negative, is better than none at all. Why should he respect authority when his father, one of his key authority figures, has such a bad attitude towards him? If you want your DCs to treat others well you have to treat them well.

bluerinsebeauty Mon 15-Jun-09 19:48:25

DS is 10, DD1 is 8 and DD2 is 1, seems like they have been this age for years.

I wodner if the massive age gap has made a difference.

Hassled Mon 15-Jun-09 19:48:40

I'm starting to think this must be the plot of some famous book I should recognise...

Hassled Mon 15-Jun-09 19:48:59


FaintlyMacabre Mon 15-Jun-09 19:49:01

Does your DH have a good relationship with his father? Or does he regard him as an annoying nuisance to be dumped in the Retirement Castle as soon as possible?
And what about his mother, was she around when he was growing up?

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion Mon 15-Jun-09 19:49:49

Message withdrawn

bluerinsebeauty Mon 15-Jun-09 19:53:16

Ohsad how bad would it be if they were 'playfighting' and Dh's 'accidentally' used physical force on DS? I mean, he does ask for it.

Dh has an awful childhood now you mention it, his father is not a loving man and his mum died when he was small.

How can I approach DH about fixing his relationship with DS then?

bluerinsebeauty Mon 15-Jun-09 19:54:40

Can you get free counselling by collecting beer can ringpulls? That woudl be an option.
We can't afford proper counselling as DH has lost all our money (again)hmm

FaintlyMacabre Mon 15-Jun-09 19:54:54

What about a father-son bonding activity, like a canoe trip down the river. What could possibly go wrong?

bluerinsebeauty Mon 15-Jun-09 19:57:40

Faintly - Last time they tried father-son bonding DH ended up in intensive care for 6 months after falling down a ravine. He insists it was all DS's fault as well.

sunfleurs Mon 15-Jun-09 19:58:04

Perhaps you could get your next door neighbour involved with your ds as a better example, is he a good sort? grin.

bluerinsebeauty Mon 15-Jun-09 20:00:32

My next door neighbour is lovely sunfleurs, a very god fearing man. TBH, since his wife died I have been willing to offer more than a shoudler to lean on IYSWIM but he is not good at taking hints.

melmog Mon 15-Jun-09 20:00:54

Oh, I just got it! grin
How about sending ds to a summer camp?

HerBeatitudeLittleBella Mon 15-Jun-09 20:03:05

LOL I've clocked who it is. The only thing is, I think you are wrong about DH doting on your DD and doing anything to make her happy.

He's not very consistent in that attitude is he?

jenwyn Mon 15-Jun-09 20:04:20

I wonder if you have Church going neighbour who could have a word with your DS. Maybe take an interest in him and show both Dh and DS there is another way.

Or try getting DS to write some lines.

bluerinsebeauty Mon 15-Jun-09 20:05:44

Summmer camp is a good idea. Maybe I should send DD1 as a calming influence. She is sucha good girl

(in fact, while I am unburdening, I wish she would lightne up sonmetimes with the 'holier than thou' crap, she has become veggy and is so preachy about it, and is also a buddhist, and just thinks she is soooo perfect)

MachuPicchu Mon 15-Jun-09 20:12:44

You sound very patient but I do wonder whether you perhaps need to stand up for yourself a bit more. Have you tried bodybuilding?

confused99 Mon 15-Jun-09 20:19:39

I'd go out and find your husband if I was you.
Is he at Moe's?

mollyroger Mon 15-Jun-09 20:21:41

I empathise, My poor neighbouroonie has a similar time with her 3 little devils. She is a good woman and evrerything but her husband is, it pains me to say, just a little bit of a big fat loser. I pray for her.

NeedaNewName Mon 15-Jun-09 21:01:36


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