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to expect my dp to tell his family what his daughter's full name is?

(35 Posts)
weebump Sun 14-Jun-09 21:11:56

Myself and dp aren't married, but have a little girl together, and when she was born we discussed surnames. He said he wasn't too attached to his surname (lets say it's "Bloggs"), as his parents divorced when he was young and his mum brought him up on her own. I, on the other hand, quite like my name (let's say it's "Jones"), and always knew I wouldn't change my name if I got married. So when our dd was born she was given my surname - "Baby Jones", no middle name or anything else.

She's now 1.5 years old. Earlier in the year dp's dad sent a card to our dd with the Bloggs surname on it, and it occurred to me then that he didn't know she had my surname. DP didn't correct him.

This morning dp and his brother were on skype. I heard his bro call her the wrong name - Baby Bloggs. It occurred to me that dp's bro hasn't been told otherwise. DP didn't correct him either.

So I said afterwards that it was interesting they all call her by the Bloggs surname, when that's not her name. DP didn't see the issue. Then I said I thought it was a bit misleading for him not to tell them what her surname was, that they should know. Well, he didn't like that at all! Got very upset with me for saying he was being misleading, when it was something he didn't actually even think about. As far as he's concerned her name is her first name only, and he wasn't being misleading, he just hadn't told them. And I was at fault for bringing it up after the fact. Why don't I tell them myself next time they do it?

AIBU??? I really think they should know, especially her granddad, and I think he's the one who should tell them. They're his family. I ended up apologising for saying he was misleading, simply because he got so annoyed, but I shouldn't have apologised, because I think he is being misleading! Aaargh!

Qally Sun 14-Jun-09 21:19:35

I'm really not meaning this unkindly... but IMO this falls under the "buying problems when they're giving them away for free" category. We live in a sexist world, and good on your dp for appreciating that and accepting that the name issue meant more to you. If he doesn't want to get into it with his family, for whatever reason (pride? Conflict potential?) does it matter? Her name's still yours, not theirs, and their misconceptions aren't going to alter that.

All I will say is that you might casually want to mention to your dp that small children are obsessive about correcting people who get their names wrong, so it won't be long before her name is announced from the horse's mouth. Which might embarrass your dp more than telling them now, because he'll also have to explain why he didn't.

yama Sun 14-Jun-09 21:20:42

Agree with Qally.

Wispabarsareback Sun 14-Jun-09 21:21:08

YANBU. Names are hugely important - the basis of a person's identity. I'd insist that DP made clear to his family what DD's full name is - or else do it yourself, politely but matter-of-factly. Otherwise your DD is going to get very confused as she gets older about what her name is.

edam Sun 14-Jun-09 21:30:15

YANBU - why is your dp so reluctant to tell his family the truth?

It's not good for him to lie to them, even a lie by omission, and it's daft anyway as dd will be correcting them herself before too long.

sleepyeyes Sun 14-Jun-09 21:31:10

YANBU Such a stupid thing for your DP to do, it will come out eventually and he will look a fool.

RumourOfAHurricane Sun 14-Jun-09 21:32:41

Message withdrawn

hatwoman Sun 14-Jun-09 21:37:55

can see both sides - "misleading" implies intent - which it doesn;t sound like he had. but can see it's a bit annoying and between you you should get it across at some stage.

my father spells dd2's first name wrong - which, I guess serves us right for calling her something quite unusual that could be spelled (literally) four ways, with another 2 ways as possibilities if you pronounced it a bit wrong.

Wispabarsareback Sun 14-Jun-09 21:39:11

blush You're not the first person to have said that, Shineon. I've thought about changing it, but although I don't post loads on MN I think I'm known a bit on the 'special needs' board, and I want to keep that going. See - what was I saying about the importance of names as the basis of identity...

edam Sun 14-Jun-09 21:41:14

You could shorten it to 'Wispa'?

RumourOfAHurricane Sun 14-Jun-09 21:42:05

Message withdrawn

forkhandles Sun 14-Jun-09 21:43:09

Wispa, just put capital letters at the beginning of the words - WispaBarsAreBack

TheProvincialLady Sun 14-Jun-09 21:45:11

Well I read it as Wispabarearsecrack and I have no idea whyblush

OP - I agree with Qally.

weebump Sun 14-Jun-09 21:52:53

I thought it was whips bare arse back!

Maybe I should just let it go, but I think they might feel embarrassed for getting it wrong. I did refer to our dd by her full name in front of the Granddad last time he was over, so hopefully he heard!

Obviously names are more important to me than DP, and he doesn't get that at all.

Kimi Sun 14-Jun-09 22:04:11

My personal take on this is children should have (in un-married) Both parents sernames.

Dh1 and I are seperated but if I remarry I will keep DH1s " name as that is the "family" name, my childrens name. So I would be Mrs second husband first husband. First DH is good with this.

I think you need to set the record stright if you want people to know

Paolosgirl Sun 14-Jun-09 22:09:43

Genuine off tack question here, but if your child has 2 surnames, and then goes on to partner someone else with 2 surnames, then what surname does their child have? 4 names?

In answer to the OP, YANBU in wanting him to confirm her name. However, it could be that he's rethinking things, and in which case you should probably have a chat now about what her name should be.

weebump Sun 14-Jun-09 22:14:57

Paolosgirl, what do you mean by 'rethinking things"? Her name is my name, it's on her birth cert, he was totally encouraging that. I can't see us changing her name...

Paolosgirl Sun 14-Jun-09 22:20:17

I'm only guessing, I don't know the man!
Is it possible that he's now thinking that he might like to use his name as well as yours?

zipzap Sun 14-Jun-09 22:41:33

Might also cause problems even before 'baby jones' can correct people if they call her the wrong thing - if any of your DP's family need to do you a favour involving your dd, such as pick her up from nursery, etc etc etc, it could cause lots of problems if they get her name wrong.

And if it was me in that position, I would probably be saying ' Well I am her grandmother, I should know and my DH /her dad calls her that, he should know...' and be thinking that I was fully right because I would know I had said 'baby bloggs' to my son and he had never mentioned it was wrong. And would then have to find out that I was actually wrong, would not feel good.

Could you wait until the next card turns up for your dd with the wrong name on it and have a quiet word with whoever sent it, along the lines of 'noticed that your card came with the wrong name on it today, wanted to make sure there's no confusion etc etc', keeping it all very low key and no big deal. Pretend to assume that they already know and have forgotten rather than it being a big deal and it might just slip in under the radar!

Don't know if you are planning on having a naming ceremony of any sort but it could be horrible for dp's family to find out that they have been calling your dd the wrong name at that! Unless you prime somebody to be videoing them at that moment to watch them all reacting... grin

edam Sun 14-Jun-09 22:47:48

Paolo - why can't the couple with two surnames each make up their own minds? Why does there have to be a rule?

Anyway, in Spain most people have two surnames, one from the mother's side and one from the father's. Country hasn't ground to a halt yet. <insert your own siesta joke here if so inclined>

Actually I think the rules are, roughly, that when you marry your children get both your fathers' surnames. So Senorita Brown y Black marries Senor Jones y Smith. Their children are Felipe and Juanita Black y Smith.

So ultimately it is still the male surnames that pass down the generations, the woman's surname only survives in her own child, not any descendants. I think! <waits to be corrected by waves of MNers - where's Senorapostrophe when I need her?.

curiositykilled Sun 14-Jun-09 22:53:52

Sounds like he's worried about telling them. I think he should tell them because otherwise they'll think it is your decision not his and they are his family. A good way to try might be telling them that you both liked your surname better and that it is nothing personal. They have to lump it now anyway, it's done!

Paolosgirl Sun 14-Jun-09 22:54:54

Yes, of course they can make up their own mind! However, if I had 2 surnames then I have 2 names - the idea of having to choose one to prevent my offspring having 4 surnames seems kind of weird. Although there doesn't have to be a rule, there appears to be some sort of rule in Spain to prevent the endless passing on of multiple surnames - so although the country hasn't ground to a halt it has obviously been thought of!

Anyway, I'm losing concentration here and havering. I need my bed. Night night smile

Kimi Sun 14-Jun-09 22:55:36

when I married DH1 I took his name, we had 2 children that have his name (both boys ) so will always have his name, I will never give up that name, nor disrespect my children by taking that name away, I will die with that name and it will go on my grave stone as it is my Sons name, even If I remarry 10 times, (I left him BTW so not trying to hang on to hiom in anyway)

simplesusan Sun 14-Jun-09 22:57:11

Did your dps family never think to ask what her correct name was when your dd was first born? Or even whilst you were pregnant?
If I was in the same position as your in laws I know that I would be asking my son and checking what surname his child would have.

scottishmummy Sun 14-Jun-09 22:57:24

maybe he just didn't correct their assumptions and as time elapsed felt too embarrassed to correct them

given that he agreed to your name as surname,caveman he isnt

but by all means correct their assumption that she is bloggs and keep doing it

our lo has both parental surnames and habitually father's aunty sends cards to Father surname only

we tell her,she ignores
so i sent the xmas card back "not known at this address"

she posted again with correct surname

job done

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