to not let ex-h speak to the kids today?

[MaDuggar]

I know IABU but I am so tempted to do it!

Yesterday was both my DDs birthday. Their dad lives across the other side of teh country. He had made plans with the girls, ages ago, for a lovely day out, asking them what they would like to do, where to go for lunch & generally made it all exciting for them. They rarely see him, so this was a much hyped birthday visit.

2 weeks ago he phoned to say that he was on new ADs and they were making him feel crap and so wasnt going to come and take the girls out after all. And could i explain this to them! Ok, fair enough, this might be true, i have no experience of taking ADs ..? He promised to put £100 into my bank for the girls birthday, plus £30 he owes me.

This never happened. For the last week, he has avoided all contact with the girls, and me. No phone calls or anything. I know he is ok though, as he has been in contact with his mum!

Yesterday, DDs birthday. Not even a card from him! Now this has disgusted me. Everyone else managed to send them a card, he KNOWS when their birthday is FGS. My eldest DD (9) sat by the letterbox most of the day, waiting for a card from her dad She just couldnt understand why he wouldnt send her one. Both girls were both visably upset. He didnt even give them a phone call either, to say sorry or to say the cards would be late, just NOTHING.

Now, I am livid that he could do this to them! I know he will phone in teh next few days, with a whole list of poor-me excuses. But I am sooo angry, I am tempted to let not let him talk to the girls. I dont want them to hear his crap excuses But I dont want to just let this go either, because then he will think it doesnt matter.

I know that is BU though. So please, how do I handle this???

[pjmama]

How awful for your poor girls (and you having to deal with the fallout)! I think I'd be tempted too, but I don't really think you can stop him from speaking to them. At the end of the day, his excuses won't wash forever and there will come a time when your girls will see through him and not want to be bothered anymore. Its hurtful and unfair, but unfortunately I guess they have to come to the conclusion that he's a self centred arse on their own? If I were you I'd tell him in no uncertain terms what you think of him though. And maybe in future don't tell the girls about any arrangements? Then if he does turn up its a good surprise and if he doesn't they're none the wiser. Damage limitation.

[johnworf]

Hmmm tricky one. Not fair on the children that he's let them down without even calling.

If it was me (and I have experience of ExDH's), I would carry on regardless where the girls are concerned. I wouldn't bad mouth their dad to them but I would probably make up some BS excuse to them as to why he did a no show. I would also in future make sure I had a standby card ready to sign from him in case he lets them down again.

In the meantime, when he next rings you with his piss poor excuse you need to lay it on the line in no uncertain terms that unless he keeps to his word and shows up on the dot of whatever o'clock he's arranged, then there will be no second chances. He either shows or loses out. Hopefully he'll take the warning and the possible consequences seriously. If he doesn't appear to take it seriously or you are left feeling that he'll do it again, I'd take legal advice and maybe follow it up with a solicitors letter regarding access visits. It's not on messing LO's around. They need stability and routine and if that includes their dad turning up when he says so, then so be it.

Hopefully it'll do the trick.

Good luck

[MaDuggar]

Thing is though, he is the one who tells them about these wonderful things he is planning in doing! One reason why I am tempted to stop contact - so he cant fill their heads with promises to break again

[MaDuggar]

thanks JW, I know I do need to put my foot down. Ive always been so relaxed about access, allowing it whenever he has wanted, at a drop of a hat. Its hard because he lives so far away, and sees them so rarely that I usually bend over backwards so that he can spend time with them.

[johnworf]

MaDuggar he probably sees you as a bit of a soft touch. You need to put your foot down for your sake and most def for the sake of the LO's. I would also tell him to make arrangements via yourself after this situation. If you get him to phone you when he's leaving to visit them, then would be the time to tell them that they're having a visit from their dad

Much less upset for them in the long run

[hatwoman]

talk to him (calmly) about how incredibly hurtful he has been and how they will remember behaviour like this for the rest of their life and he needs to do a lot of hard work if he wants anything remotely resembling a decent relationship with them. if he's not prepared to put the work in them he's a bloody fool who will loose his daughters - and possibly miss out on the joys of close grandchildren.

but let him talk to them.

from someone whose father once forgot her birthday

[hatwoman]

[agree with much of what pjmama says - they will grown up and see him for what he is. it's up to him to ensure that "what he is" is positive. iyswim]

[moondimple]

I really symapathise and know how you feel. In fact, it's just the sort of thing my ex does. We don't share him, do we?!

[moondimple]

On a more serious note to the post I sent a minute ago - I was actually very upset a few days ago. My ex hasn't seen our 4 yr old for almost 5 months and hasn't even phoned to ask how she is. He is very unstable, unreliable and downright cold and dishonest. For weeks I had been getting more and more frustrated, wondering what was eventually going to happen. Then I did a thing some of you may disapprove of, but I was so desparate for answers; I called him to say that my dd had been hurt (it wasn't an exact lie - the cat had scratched her, but I left it vague). Ex would not answer the phone no matter how much I called and then he suddenly switched it off. I left texts and voicemails, but still no response. To cut a long story short, I eventually got hold of him by trying him on another mobile he didn't know I knew about. He was horrible. Told me not to keep bothering him because we are divorced. (I never bother him except about our dd and then very rarely).I told him WE are divorced but he still has a daughter!!!! He said "so what? You had a baby. That's water under the bridge." What a revolting specimen he is. But, he then went on to say he loves her and always will!!! He will not legally give up his parental rights/resposibility and says he will never give permission for dd to change her surname when I remarry. My fiance would love to adopt dd, but cannot because of my awful ex.
I have now said he can have NO contact with her as he is just unsettling and has no positive effect on her. He says I can't refuse contact. I know he is right, but I CAN do this up to a point. I suspect he will get a sentimental "craving" for dd at some point, when less is happening in his seedy little life. If this happens, then I will shield her from him, unless forced by law to do otherwise. If I do have to allow contact, I'm hoping I can arrange something limited and controlled, perhaps with an official body present. I don't want him just whisking her off and filling her head with confusing rubbish when she is settled with her Step-daddy and step-siblings. She is happy now and rarely mentions her dad.

[MaDuggar]

moondimple How awful for your little one! My ex can be like that, then he goes through periods of wanting to be with his daughters all the time, then no contact for ages. Im glad your DD has a positive role model in your new DP

hatwoman - how did affect you, when your dad forgot your birthday?

Jw, thanks, i think this has been the kick up the bum to stop pandering to HIS needs. IHe knows how to make me feel sorry for him, i still lend him money when he is skint.

I know deep down i do need to let them speak, Im just so angry on their behalf!

[curiositykilled]

That's rubbish, let them decide whether they want to talk to him. Tell them they need to do it at some point but that they could wait and phone him when they have calmed down rather than have him phone out of the blue. I'd have nothing to do with it. If you have to speak with him just tell him you are very angry that he did such a rubbish thing and you don't want to hear any excuses then don't give him a chance to give you any! Oh and DON'T lend him any more money.

[hatwoman]

MaDuggar - my dad wasn't horrendous, certainly not as neglectful and unreliable as some of the fathers I hear about. and certainly not a malicious or mean bone in his body. however there was the occassion when he forgot/failed to make any contact with me on my birthday. then there was the birthday when he turned up and my mum asked if he would stay for a little while - have a sausage from the barbecue we were having and a drink. and he said no. and the many many times when he failed to go to parents' evening (which, in fact, he also didn't do before my parents split) and the many times when he just didn;t call. for several weeks.

how did it affect me? it meant I spent much of my teenage years feeling he had rejected me, as well as mum, iyswim. i spent a lot of energy trying to persuade him to keep in more regular contact. culminating in a letter I wrote him from univeristy, aged about 20. it still didn;t change anything. so at that point I gave up. we now have an "ok" relationship. we've never fallen out, as such. but then again we're just not cclose. he's not half as close to dds as he could be. It makes me sad. but I also feel it's his loss. we're all adults now and I just accept it's how things are.