to expect dh to help out

[KleineMaus]

I'm about 24 weeks pregnant and trying really hard to edit a book before the baby comes, while also looking after ds (2) full-time, and dh refuses to help me out in any way. It's not like I didn't consult him before I took it on. It's not like the money won't be really useful. I know he's working really hard just now on our kitchen (that's what the money is supposed to be for!), which he's taken several weeks off work to get on with, but he hasn't once offered to take ds off my hands for a bit so I can get some work done and when I asked him outright he refused! I said 'so I can't take on any more freelance work on until the kids are at school', and he said yes! So, no chance of maintaining any kind of CV so I can actually get a job when the kids are older. As it is I'm getting up at six every morning so I can get some work done before ds wakes up (dh on the other hand lies in sometimes till ten), and then working late in the evenings as well. And even then dh tries to distract me, when the alarm goes off he wants me to stay in bed for you know what, and then sulks. I'm trying really, really hard to be disciplined with my time and I'm knackered and he just doesn't get it. I'm starting to think he's a real chauvinist. I had no idea. It's the same old story, before we had kids we were really equal, and dh even did most of the cooking, now he does nothing round the house, except destroy it at them moment, although I know I'll be glad of it later on, and I have to ask him nicely to as much as take the bin out. I know he's been having problems with anxiety lately and possibly feels I haven't been very supportive, but I'm kind of struggling myself. Sorry about the long rant.

[rubyslippers]

cripes - i would be ranting too

i think you need to talk tonight and basically ask him outright why he is behaving like this

you are both working in and out of the home - why does he not value this?

what has triggered his anxiety? what is he doing about it?

YANBU ...

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Oh dear. It sounds awful. He's behaving really badly - refusing to get up or help at all is incredibly selfish and yes, chauvenistic. I don't have any great advice but wanted to let you know YANBU. I'd be fuming too.

[dollius]

It's not even a matter of "helping" you out. He should be doing his fair share of parenting and housekeeping.

You are both working from home and you need to split the chores equally. Frankly he should be doing more given that he is not pregnant.

You need to ask him why he thinks it is ok for you to be doing everything and why he has no interest in looking after his own DC.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

not suprised you are annoyed

he sounds useless - on the other hand you are letting him get away with it - staying in bed till 10am while you have children is not acceptable, esp if you are also trying to work as well (to contribute to bills/kitechen)

is there anyway you can drop off ds to cm/nursery/friends for a few hours so you can work and also get a bit of a rest

[zipperdeedoodah]

There are no winners with the 'who works hardest' argument. Sounds like you both need a bit of tlc, but when you feel like this it's very hard to have anything left to give.
Take yourself some time out. Don't ask, just say..tomorrow I am going out between 10 and 12 on my own...but don't be all militant. Make a cup of coffee..hey, maybe even have some sex..if he's that desperate it'll probably only take a couple of minutes . Lots of love to you..well done, one day it will be easier..just hang in there and try and remember to smile.

[stainesmassif]

yanbu at all. i have had a similar situation with dh and have had to explain to him pretty clearly that he is not 'doing me a favour' by taking ds for a couple of hours, but merely behaving as a parent. and that neither of us are entitled to the same amount of free time now that we're parents.

i have gone home to my mum's for a week to get looked after and give dh a chance to think about what he has(n't) done. it seems to have got the message across a bit. he has done two loads of washing whilst i've been away. this is shock horror.

[KleineMaus]

Thanks for all the comments. zipper you're right, it does feel like we're fighting about who works the hardest. Staines, it is tempting to de-camp to my mum's. It doesn't help my state of mind that my house is complete chaos with dust everywhere and very little access to the kitchen. I probably should have moved out, but kept thinking it wouldn't take much longer. DH also can't understand why I'm not really grateful when I come home to discover that he's knocked down another part of the walls, just when I thought it was nearly done. I will be pleased with the end result, and it was me who pushed for the kitchen to be done before the baby arrives.

[stainesmassif]

if you can do it, run away to mummy! it has done me the power of good. let him live in squalor. he'll like it. (this is my opinion in relation to my dh, may not pertain to all men)