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to ask that family members give us time to adjust as a new family, b4 bombarding us with visits??

(45 Posts)
Tangas Thu 11-Jun-09 22:03:14

hi all, i'm due to give birth anyday to our 2nd child. i have asked both sides of our families to give us a day or two on our own as a family unit, before they all load up round here to make a fuss of the new baby.

I'm considering our 2yr old DS and how he's gonna feel about having to "share" mummy & daddy for the first time. How hes gonna feel watching everyone cooing & gooing over a new baby.
but also myself, I remember how my feet didn't touch the ground when we bought our first baby home, it was manic!!
I would like time for us to all adjust to new family life first. AIBU???
DP's sisters are apparently feeling quite upset about it, and feel as tho i'm saying they can't come and see the new baby. which is not it at all!! i'm even going to be askin the same og my family members... what do i do?? AIBU???

shockers Thu 11-Jun-09 22:06:09

Not at all. Don't get into justifying your decision... enjoy your time off with your family and then welcome them all in with a big smile!

Kimi Thu 11-Jun-09 22:06:31

you are not being unreasonable, you are asking for a few days that is all.
As long as the rules apply to everyone, that way no one can say I had to wait but so and so did not.

Congratulations

Sassybeast Thu 11-Jun-09 22:07:37

Personally,I think that YANBU but I think that having loads of family around to hold the baby whilst you cuddle your eldest can't be abad thing ? I am biased though by having family who really don't give a hoot...

Boys2mam Thu 11-Jun-09 22:09:20

Its so so hard - you've carried this little person for 9 mths and they're all yours.... but all the family are waiting in such anticipation too.

YANBU wanting the time as your own family unit but can you allow an hr a day maybe? They can take DS1 off for a bit and spoil him rotten and give you some space ?

Kbear Thu 11-Jun-09 22:10:33

I think let them all come for a two hour slot one afternoon (make sure they all know the times), thank them all for coming, get it over with then ask for a week of peace.

Of course they are dying to see the new baby, they will all make a fuss of your DS too in his new role as big brother.

kitkatqueen Thu 11-Jun-09 22:17:12

There was a thread on here a while back on this, personally, I was over run by my family after my 1st 2 pregnancies. They actually got into the delivery suite before I had even had a wash and I hadn't even had a chance to dress dd2 angry

With my 3rd - and I thought final pregnancy I refused to allow any family at the hospital. We really needed some space in my opinion once the baby was born to be a family unit and have the opportunity to reassure the other 2 children etc.

In order to not totally p**s off all the family - which was not my intent even tho they had actually upset me a lot we sent out a text message once the baby was born to the effect of:

"wooo hooo!! kitkatqueen has had a baby boy weighing blah and called blah - mum and baby are both well but very tired and hope you will all be in touch in a few days when mum and baby have had a chance to get to know each other. Thankyou for giving us this time as a family to get to know one another, feel free to text in the mean time, all our love mr kitkatqueen."

ilovemuffins Thu 11-Jun-09 22:20:31

definitely not unreasonable! If you don't like the idea of anyone intruding during those special first days, then stick with it. I felt exactly like you, didn't want any family visiting during the first week - also because they all live far away so would have to stay overnight too. BAck then DH thought I was a bit ott, but looking back I am VERY glad I stuck to my guns on that one.

About your DS - friends of ours recently told us that they had asked all visitors to congratulate their older DS on her new Big Sister status before admiring the new baby. Seems like a good idea :-)

kitkatqueen Thu 11-Jun-09 22:21:45

Oh It went absolutly fine btw and I'm going to be doing the same in about 10 weeks with no4.

We had loads of lovely texts from family and friends and everyone texted to see when wuld be ok to come - I asked several people if it had upset them at all and the response was why would it? you need time with your baby

ladymariner Thu 11-Jun-09 22:25:41

well i'm going against the tide here beacause i think yabu. Your families are obviously going to be excited about seeing the new baby, why can't you spare an hour or so to let them all do that? I agree that you don't want them there all the time but surely you can see how they would want to see the little one.

GentlyDidIt Thu 11-Jun-09 22:50:33

YANBU in any way whatsoever. A day or two is definitely not asking too much, particularly if you need a bit of time to physically recover.

New mums (and new dads, new brothers and new sisters) have enough on their plates without having to carefully tiptoe around the feelings of other adults in the family. If they are emotionally mature adults who really love you, then they can be trusted to hang on to their feelings for 36 hours. It will be hard for them, but it really isn't about them to start off with.

Bottom line is this - YOU know best whether having YOUR particular extended family visiting you will make you all feel better or worse. No-one else has that insight, and you and your immediate family's feelings ARE the most important on that first day (or two, since night and day are meaningless to start off with).

I am sure there are plenty of families who wouldn't dream of asking people not to visit after the baby is born, but not all families are fortunate enough to enjoy that level of trust, mutual respect and enjoyment of one another's company. Good luck and let us know how you get on.

JemL Thu 11-Jun-09 22:57:29

kitkatqueen - I can totally relate, my family were in the surgical recovery room within minutes of me being wheeled back from theatre for emc-s. The midwife sent them away, but it only delayed them by about half an hour!

I would let them visit but restrict the times very tightly - so that you don't feel people might be turning up at anytime.

I have also pre-warned family members that I expect them to make a huge fuss of DS and not go straight to the baby.

ChippingIn Thu 11-Jun-09 23:00:31

I agree with ladymariner, but I know from previous threads (about exactly the same thing) we will be in the minority.

I think it's sad that people feel the need to be completely alone after the birth of a baby and not want to share the joy with everyone - afterall, the baby is your new son or daughter, but it's also a new grandchild/niece/nephew etc. I think encouraging people to visit either in the mornings or afternoons only is a good compromise.

Anyway, as I said, the majority will think YANBU and it's your baby, your decision - just don't be suprised if you hurt peoples feelings.

KKQ - love you as always - btbh, how many people do you think would really say 'Yes, I was hurt by your decision not to let me see the baby' - of course they are going to say what they said x

GentlyDidIt Thu 11-Jun-09 23:11:18

ChippingIn I think you've hit the nail on the head there when you talk about "sharing the joy with everyone." If it really is a case of sharing the joy, that's wonderful.

For some families it's more a case of "manage the misery" as emotions and expectations can run high all round with the arrival of a baby. It's unfair for a new family to be given the task of managing a lot of highly strung people within hours of a baby arriving. They will probably cope much better with a short time of recovery under their belt, which is to the eventual benefit of everyone.

kitkatqueen Thu 11-Jun-09 23:12:50

Hi Chip - believe me u don't know these people, they tell it like it is, they are my family and friends,but most of them are as blunt as can begrin they make me look positivley reserved grin. The ones I actually asked were the ones most likely to "cock a snoot" iyswim.

ChippingIn Thu 11-Jun-09 23:22:30

I suppose it depends on the people how happy I would be to have them there... my EX IL's I wouldn't have wanted near me/us - but that applied on a normal day (with good reason), but on the other hand I know how hurt my parents were not to be allowed to see my brothers children (their new grandchildren) while the parents (then parents and DGC1) were 'bonding' FFS my parents are lovely, just wanted to have a little visit and cuddle, would not have taken up residence etc - but they weren't allowed - they were so hurt. I can't imagine not being able to put up with someone for a hour or so, to avoid causing them this pain - you have your whole life with your baby to 'bond' - it's not some miracle that only happens in the first week...

Anyway, as I said, I know my opinion on this is not a popular one ....

PlumBumMum Thu 11-Jun-09 23:23:19

I'm with chippingIn and LadyM on this one too, having just come home from visiting an eagerly awaited niece/cousin

I personally liked to get all the visiting over with so I could settle into a routine, and I love people to see my new baby as they change so quick

PlumBumMum Thu 11-Jun-09 23:24:26

Although in our hospital NO-ONE is allowed in the delivery suite

ChippingIn Thu 11-Jun-09 23:27:06

KKQ - people that make you look reserved - wow... wink

Also, you don't have to tip toe around anyones feelings - let them in, let them coo - tis all that's required. They can sort their own feelings out - and the tea pot!!

I guess I just remember the days when people took umbridge when you hadn't been to visit as soon as the baby popped out [old fart emoticon]

slowreadingprogress Thu 11-Jun-09 23:31:46

I think it's a bit rude and queen bee-ish tbh. Unless your family are like the Trotters and will come round and have fisticuffs in your living room on birthing day it's not that hard to allow your loved ones to share in the excitement, IMVHO

I guess each to their own; I just found that after DS (when I had a gruelling 3 day labour followed by crash CS under general) I loved and appreciated family and friends all the more and wanted them around me. So am prepared to admit I can't 'get' the exclusivity thing but I accept it's what some want. I just don't think you can get that without causing people to feel a bit upset.

GentlyDidIt Thu 11-Jun-09 23:44:36

Well ChippingIn I accept that it is hurtful for those who feel shut out and do not understand why, and I know that some couples are unfairly precious about the arrival of their baby (thinking of a thread on here a while back where 2 weeks of isolation were requested!)

However, yes you do have to tiptoe around peoples' feelings in some cases...

...family members who want to be first to visit / visit "before the other grandparents" and will kick off and hold the new family responsible if they do not make it so, turning the joy of the new baby into a huge popularity contest with the new family in the role of reluctant judges...

...family members who are hurtful or cruel, but not to the extent that you want to deprive them of a relationship with the baby - you just need a bit of sleep and a decent meal under your belt before you can face them...

...family members who simply will not listen to any requests to limit visits to mornings, afternoons, hours or even days and accuse the new family of being selfish/precious unless things run exactly their way...

Too much for frazzled, tired, shell-shocked people to deal with and possibly a tinderbox combination. A day really isn't too much to ask before facing all of that.

The OP has also been on the roundabout once already and has some experience of how this will play out in her own family.

kitkatqueen Fri 12-Jun-09 00:18:50

As mothers / parents we frequently put ourselves at the bottom of the pile when it comes down to whose thoughts feelings and everything else come 1st.

I think in the post birth hours you should be entitled to put yourself 1st if you want to, I think you've earned it

It would be lovely if you could "share the Joy" without the negative side that u can end up with.

Actually tho - would you risk your family visiting after this happened???

I'm sure i've posted this before, possibly not in this detail, but I will never forget that after I had dd2 4 members of my family walked into the delivery suite ( sign says no visitors) while I was still covered in blood literally within about 10mins of giving birth, a doctor was trying to asses me because I was having trouble breathing, my dds temp had dropped and the midwife and someone else were checking her over in the corner whilst my family were watching and suggesting that there should be more chairs and eyeing the bed I was still in because they wanted to sit down.

I was then tranferred to the ward to be monitored because of my breathing problems (shock from sudden fluid loss apparantly?) and the same people came back and stayed for most of the afternoon because they wanted to hold the baby, when I really wanted to sleep feed my baby and rest and just not have to worry about anyone else, I had even told dp to go home because I needed sleep.

I was let out late that day and the following morning three of the same people came round to my house. I was asleep on the sofa ( had been awake for 48hrs pretty much)they came round and commented on the lack of seats for guests and "said fgs you've only had a baby" they wanted me to go put the kettle on to make them drinks.hmm

I know there are going to be people out there with lovely relatives who arrive, make a fuss of the older children make tea for the new mum, offer to get shopping if you need anything etc etc , but I know its not likely. It probably sounds like I am being mean, from their point of view they wanted to see the baby. From my point of view they really invaded my privacy in the delivery suite, and upset me. I really didn't need an audience when my daughter and I were being assesed post birth, possibly it upset me most that it didn't even occur to them that I would be upset.

I'm not saying that my family aren't lovely, they do help me lots and I do appreciate them, but they were v inconsiderate of me at a very important time and I can't forget that, its all too tied up in the birth of my daughter.

JenniPenni Fri 12-Jun-09 07:37:49

Kitkat, do what's best for YOU. You don't have to pander around anybody.

If you need the first day with your lil one then so be it. At this time the last thing you need is to be thinking of family members and how they will/will not react... just think of yourself and the birth ahead, you really don't need this added stress.

In life, no matter what you do, you will upset someone.. that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

JenniPenni Fri 12-Jun-09 07:43:02

Sorry, meant to write my post above to Tangas! wink

FrannyandZooey Fri 12-Jun-09 07:43:09

YANBU

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