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to be annoyed with PIL visiting unannounced

(30 Posts)
woozlet Wed 10-Jun-09 21:42:36

Ever since we have had DS (4 months old) DH's parents, and sister for that matter no longer seem to respect our privacy and turn up at our house (often at meal times). I wouldn't mind so much if they just phoned first but I hate being taken by surprise like that. Especially if the house is messy or I am going around in DH's boxers and t shirts.

So, AIBU or should I be pleased they want to come and see us hmm

NeedaNewName Wed 10-Jun-09 21:44:14

Would you be annoyed if it was your parents?

Personally I like it when peole come around ad hoc, very informal and people know that they get what they get if they've not let us know before.

sharkyandgeorge Wed 10-Jun-09 21:44:51

Well do they know it annoys you or do you act pleased to see them when they turn up?

I agree it is rude and I would never just turn up at someones house and would feel the same as you, but they may well be comltely oblvious and I think if you want them to stop doing it you need to be a bit more assertive and tell them to call first.

mishymoo Wed 10-Jun-09 21:47:20

Nope I agree! They should definitely ring before visiting! Can your DH mention it to them?

We gave my in-laws a key once to look after the house while we were on holiday but we never got it back from them and they used to let themselves in to my house when they decided to visit! It used to drive me and my DH up the wall! We moved house about six months later and needless to say they have never been given another key!

Tommy Wed 10-Jun-09 21:48:56

agree with needanewname.

I know they are you PILs ( and therefore, it's probably a bit awkward) but one day they could arrive and you might really need them - you'll be glad of it then

They are probably just really thrilled with their new grandson and nephew and want to see him a lot smile

ilovetochat Wed 10-Jun-09 21:57:24

id say nip it in the bud now. my OLs are like this given half a chance. when i became a sahm they were under the impression they would come round every day to help. their idea of help was sit on their arses, while i made them tea, washed up, made lunch, washed up, stuck washing on etc and they didnt even pick dd up if she cried, they just shouted me. i was bf too and ended up sitting upstairs on my own for hours on end with dd while they sat downstairs watching tv.
now i tell them how busy i am with all dds classes and im hardly ever in in the day, they are welcome on the evening when dp is home.

PrammyMammy Wed 10-Jun-09 21:58:19

Ahh yanbu!
This drives me crazy. Why can they not just say?
I got a text today at 17.06 from MIL (who isn't fond of me) saying she was bringing sil to visit and would be here at 6pm. I was at a friends house and we were preparing dinner. PITA!
My ds is 17 mo now, so unless you want to still have this problem for that long, you should say something. Or hide when you see the car pull up lol

woozlet Wed 10-Jun-09 22:03:06

needanewname - yes I would be annoyed if it was my parents but they don't do that, they give me some notice. I even phone first before going to my mums, cos I don't know what they will be doing!

I suppose I do need to nip it in the bud. The other night they were here til 9.50pm and hadn't even seen ds as he was in his bed during the whole visit.

I could get dh to say something to them, although it's annoying because everything that comes from him, they think comes from me. Btw, the unannounced visits also annoy my dh.

Karam Wed 10-Jun-09 22:11:26

Nows a good time to deal with it... as the baby is young and you could word it diplomatically like you're struggling with sleep and don't want to be woken if you're asleep during the day, so they just call first please to check that its okay to visit or something??

Personally, I hate it when people just 'pop in' and my parents don't even do that. But that's because my house is usually a mess, so when they do that they get left on the doorstep and not invited in. If they give me warning, then they do get invited in as I've had time to tidy up blush

zipzap Wed 10-Jun-09 22:12:18

You are definitely NBU. Of course it is nice that they want to be involved but especially in the early days you want to have some notice. And as everybody on here seems to say, what happens now will set the pattern for years to come, so you need to get it sorted out now.

Somebody on here once had the good idea when faced with a similar situation of always opening the door with coats in hand - so she could say she was just about to go out if she didn't want the unwanted visitor. But probably not so useful if you are wearing boxers and tshirts at the time {grin].

Can you get your DH to talk to them - or is it when he is not around or does he not see a problem with it?

Can you turn it on the head and go and visit them unanounced?

Do they expect to eat if they turn up at mealtimes? If so, you need to be direct and rather than rustling something up for them or stretching your food, say sorry, that if only they had called that you could have sorted something out but as it is you have nothing (other than a cup of tea and a biscuit if you are feeling kind maybe).

And do you ever tell them that it is inconvenient? Or has your DH encouraged it in any way by saying something along the lines of 'do drop in to see the baby if you're around...' - something that is easy to say when you are all excited about the baby, when you know that you mean to ring up and sort it out first, and for it to be on an occasional basis. And they have interpreted it as an invitation to an open house and are actually the sort of people to use (and use!) that invitation...

You haven't said what time of day it is, but saying you have got plans that you have got to go out, or even just that you are just about to go upstairs to feed the baby/have a rest/anything that excludes them really! just so that you don't get tied into being a polite host and them coming back again and again.

You could also try taking the initiative and ringing them up to invite them at some point in the future, say that you're aware that you have got a really busy couple of weeks coming up 'what with one thing and another' (always best not to be too specific!) and invite them over (or even get them to invite you) - then they should realise that you are busy until then. Let them suggest a couple of dates that you can refuse so they can see how busy you are grin. And then slowly extend the periods between visits so that it matches what you want them to be.

If they turn up unannounced, you can then express surprise that they have turned up as you know you were seeing them soon and had they forgotten you were busy?

Sorry, lots of questions. And much too long a reply blush so will stop right now. but good luck with dealing with it!

ChippingIn Wed 10-Jun-09 22:12:39

woozlet - tbh I can see both points of view (Helpful that isn't it - sorry!).

Do you normally get on well with them or are they just generally a pain in the ass?

If you normally get on well with them and like them, then when they arrive I'd just say - 'Oh hi, take us as you find us, the house/we're a bit of a mess at the minute'.

If you really don't get on with them, then I would say 'Please can you phone before arriving as it's not convenient to just have people dropping in/I don't like it when people just drop in'.

zipzap Wed 10-Jun-09 22:14:21

oops. just realised that I have cross posted with everybody as first time I hit post message it didn't post and I have just redone it without looking to see if anybody else had replied to the thread! blush

NeedaNewName Wed 10-Jun-09 22:16:58

Fair enough.

If it also annoys your DH then why hasnt he said anything yet.

Other options are -

Put a sign on the door saying new baby and mum asleep please call back later.

Don't answer the door

Let them in and say hi lovely to see you, nows not really a good time though, do you want to pop over on ...

Go out more!

StayFrosty Wed 10-Jun-09 22:18:16

God yanbu at all, this is my worst nightmare. Zipzap's post was great though, some top advice there for nipping it politely in the bud.

woozlet Wed 10-Jun-09 22:25:11

DH hasn't said anything because he is always scared of offending his mum as she is often depressed.

Not answering the door doesn't work as they look in the window on their way up to the house - I need to get some blinds up! I do go out lots during the day but it tends to be about dinner time they will turn up. As for feeding them - no, I normally just let our dinner wait til later, they are fussy eaters anyway and would'n't eat most of the stuff I cook!!

Chippingin - we do all get on quite well, although I am starting to find them more of a PITA. There's a nosiness (sorry don't know if thats a word!!) about them when they come round now - eg when one of them goes to the loo I can hear them walking about upstairs looking in bedrooms hmm

woozlet Wed 10-Jun-09 22:31:04

And zipzap, I think that is a very good idea about inviting them round because we are 'busy' lots of the time hint hint.

piscesmoon Wed 10-Jun-09 22:34:29

I would just tell them that although you love to see them you would like them to phone first as you might be out, busy, entertaining etc.

cat64 Wed 10-Jun-09 23:01:02

Message withdrawn

2rebecca Wed 10-Jun-09 23:05:13

Next time they do it I'd say "could you please ring before coming next time please, I prefer to know when visitors are coming and you used to phone before coming" that way they get a clear message, and also may realise that it's their behaviour that has changed, not yours. Agree you have to have same rules for your family as husband's.

zipzap Wed 10-Jun-09 23:26:10

woozlet, if they are turning up at your dinner time, you definitely don't want to postpone your meal because that then has a knock on effect on the rest of the evening - start making it while they are there, even if they have to watch you eat it. Then they might get to understand that you are not there for their entertainment.

If they often turn up at dinner time they might have sussed that that is the best time to catch you in and see the baby, and if you postpone your eating then they probably won't realise or care that they are interrupting you, they will just assume that they are chatting to you in a fallow time and that you want to eat much later...

NeedaNewName Wed 10-Jun-09 23:29:28

Now the weathers getting warmer(ha ha!) could you not do a picnic in the garden and that way it looks as though your out when they look in the window!

Now the snooping around would really piss me off. I would be tempted to sneak up behind them once they've gone up and say can I help you with anything? Shoudl hopefully embarass them - either that or when they next pop over, excuse yourself and then artfully drape your sexiest underwear all over the place and leave a vibrator on full display along with any other sex paraphanalia you can get your hands on!!!! [evil grin]

wotulookinat Wed 10-Jun-09 23:35:29

YANBU to not want your PILs turning up announced.
YABU to wear your DH's boxer shorts.

HolyGuacamole Wed 10-Jun-09 23:36:36

Ah, so they are nosey buggers? Do what I do when MIL comes to visit. I leave my sexiest, naughtiest underwear strewn over our bed as I know fine well she has a good nosey when she is using the bathroom (a door from our bathroom goes into our bedroom, grr!). If she is going to have a nosey, I'd be as well giving her something to think about! wink

Asides that, they are probably being harmless and just uber excited about their new grandson. Definitely get DH to have a word though to say you'd like a bit more notice as you like to try and make the place nice for them coming round.

wotulookinat Wed 10-Jun-09 23:38:36

Or just not answer the door to them. grin

insertwittynicknameHERE Thu 11-Jun-09 13:40:24

I will sit on the fence with this one, I think YANBU and YAB at tiny bit U.

For the first couple of months after I had DD I told everyone, including my parents and PIL that if they wanted to come round to ring first to see if it was convenient for me. DH didn't take any time off work other than when I was giving birth so I would have had to deal with them all on my own.
My PIL despised me for doing this, even though it was to everyone not just them. Once they turned up unannounced and I turned them away at the door as it wasn't actually convenient for me. They never did it again wink

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