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to think thats is crappy behaviour from someone who is meant to be a friend ?

(16 Posts)
NervousNutty Wed 10-Jun-09 12:23:36

I have a friend who I have been friends with since we were both little. We don't see half as much of each other anymore because of life, work etc and that is totally fine and understandable, but this latest thing has peed me off.

It is my birthday today and so last week mny friend emails to see if I was ok to go out for a meal this Friday. We have done this for each others birthdays for about the past 3 years.

I said Friday was fine. She then emails 2 days ago to say she can't make Friday for a meal afterall because her SIL is being induced on the Fri morning and her hubby (my mates) doesn't drive, so if his sister has the baby Fri night she'd have to go home to take him to the hospital.

I was slightly annoyed by this because I though a) it is unlikely she will have had it by then and b)It is his sister not wife, and i'm sure she won't want a whole load of guests anyway.

Friend said could she just bring my pressie over and have a quick cuppa instead. I said yes, didn't say how dissapointed i was or anything.

So, she has emailed me today to say Happy Birthday and that his sil had the baby last night. I naturally think, 'oh good we can still go out then', but apparently not.
They haven't visited yet and his sil might not be up for visitors until Friday so she probably won't be able to come over at all now and will see me at her mums party next week. She added a PS saying 'if i do get chance to pop in i will let you know'.

This type of thing is constantly happening to me and I am really getting fed up of it.

foreveroptimistic Wed 10-Jun-09 12:27:33

It might be that she can't afford a meal out so is making an excuse. Ask her if you can make another date for the evening out and see what she says.

2anddone Wed 10-Jun-09 12:28:00

YABU in that this is not an every day occurance and of course she will want to go see the baby and be there for her family. You said that you are no longer as close as you once were so maybe she is at the point where she feels she needs to put family first. If you have been friends as long as you say then surely it really doesn't matter if she misses one birthday.

NervousNutty Wed 10-Jun-09 12:31:23

Money isn't an issue so it;s not that.

I do understand that this isn't an every day occurance, but she hasn't even suggested we do it another night or anything, she just wants to cancel.

Like I said though, this happens to me alot so perhaps I am just over sensitive about it.

Have emailed her back to say not to worry about dropping prsent over, I will see her at her mums party.

BitOfFun Wed 10-Jun-09 12:31:50

First, I hope you enjoy your birthday!

Second, I think you are being a leeetle bit unreasonable- this is a big family event for them, by the sound of it, and grown friend's birthdays just don't have the same importance to most adults. She sounds caring enough to keep you up to speed on what's happening, and this isn't an example of shitty behaviour at all ime .

Anyway, I hope you find a time to have a nice meal out or something with other friends or on another day with her, but you are being a bit precious about this, I think.

NervousNutty Wed 10-Jun-09 12:38:15

You are probably right, but I wouldn't have done the same in her position. She is now going to sit in all Friday incase she gets asked to go over, which seems mad to me.

Tis just a sore subject for me really as I always the one to get a 'oh sory but i can't make it now' message from people.


MadreInglese Wed 10-Jun-09 12:38:17

Happy Birthday NN

YABU I think

Birth in the family trumps adult friend's birthday IMO

Sounds like she's been considerate enough to keep you in the loop with what's going on, and hasn't just dumped you with no further word

If you really want to go out with her why don't you suggest to her another date that you could both do?

JemL Wed 10-Jun-09 13:13:39

I'd feel a bit put out to be honest - in terms of importance, of course a new baby wins out but I wouldn't see why the friend can't go out for a meal - presumably from about 8pm onwards - as arranged. Surely the friends SIL isn't going to want visitors at that time anyway?!

Agree she has kept you in the loop so it isn't bad behaviour in that sense - but I think it is the sort of thing you judge on the basis of what you would do in the same situation.

Happy birthday! x

ray81 Wed 10-Jun-09 13:17:17

Happy birthday NN.

Personally i dont think you are being unreasonable. I can understand that she wants to see the baby but when my sisters had their babies we always waited until they were home and settled before we went to see them infact my nephew is only 4 months and as we were both hectic (me and Sis) i didnt see him till he was 5 days old when we were both free. i never cancelled any plans that i had already made.I too am the one that also gets cancelled on so i understand how you feel and i do think it is mad for your friend to sit around until she is summoned to see the baby what if they arent ready for visitors until next week? she would have wasted that time then.

Just wanted to give you some support.

McDreamy Wed 10-Jun-09 13:21:16

Happy Birthday NervousNutty!

I would feel a bit fed up about it too. Of course she wants to see the baby but I wouldn't be cancelling plans just in case - if I did cancel then how hard is it to rearrange. sad for you but I hope you have a great day! smile

VinegarTits Wed 10-Jun-09 13:28:40

Happy birthday

Your being over sensitive, its all good and well to try and stick to traditions like going out for a meal for each other birthdays, but sometimes life just gets in the way.

I used to go out with my friends on my birthday every year, but nowdays we all have busy lives and not everyone is avaliable at the same time, as long as i get a 'happy birthday Vinny' be it a text/phone call/card, then im happy

Your friend has offered to come over and she has got your a card and present, i think it is very ungrateful of you to tell her not to bother coming over, and a little bit childish imo

ray81 Wed 10-Jun-09 13:33:07

NN you have every right to feel how you feel tbh so dont let anyone else tell you otherwise.

NervousNutty Wed 10-Jun-09 14:57:38

I am not being ungrateful and childish VT. When she first said that she couldn't go for the meal but would come over for a cuppa I agreed and said it was fine, but now she is saying that if her sil doesn't ask them to go over then she will come, but won't be able to let me know until that evening.

It is highly unlikly that I will go out now, but I am not going to say I will wait on the offchance that she decides to come.

I also didn't tell her not to bother. I said to leave it until I see her at her mums party as I am sure she has stuff to do for that too.

Thanks to those who can see my point of view. I think that I probably would have shrugged if it wasn't such a sore point for me lately.

NervousNutty Wed 10-Jun-09 14:58:11

Oh and thanks for the birthday wishes smile

OhBling Wed 10-Jun-09 15:05:19

If it's a sore point for you, by your own admission, then you are most likely judging her more harshly than you would otherwise.

other people have let you down so you're feeling sensitive. But it sounds to me like this friend has done her best to keep you in the loop and not just drop you, while juggling other commitments and concerns.

I think you did the right thing not hanging around waiting for her on Friday in case she makes it, but I would let the rest go and address your overall issue with people letting you down.

Thinktoodeeply Fri 12-Jun-09 12:35:13

I can identify with what you have said. I have experienced similar situations with my friends. Recently I visited a friend of many years with a birthday present for her five year old daughter. We see each other on a weekly basis and I thought we were quite close. That was until she told me that she had not invited my daughters to her daughter's birthday party the following weeken but had invited twenty other friends. I was really upset that she had excluded my daughters. I thought this over for a week. Was I being unreasonable? Over sensitive? Maybe. I have reached the conclusion that she does not value our friendship as much as I do. Over the years I have realised that people do not think the way I do. Everyone has different levels of sensitivity and consideration for others. Usualy those who are most considerate seem to be susceptible to being let down by so called friends.

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