To be a bit upset that my fella looks at porn?(23 Posts)
Namechange for obvious reasons!
I'll start off by saying I am no prude, I have watched porn, I even have a thong, but I'm a bit upset that I know my bloke has been looking at porn.
Before DS came along I was really proud of my body, it wasn't perfect (stretchmarks, cellulite, the works) but I was quite petite and used to be able to wear what I wanted.
Anyway, now everything has gone wrong, my stomach looks like it needs ironing and I am 3 sizes bigger than I used to be. Skin is a mess and my legs look like a donor kebab still on the spit.
To cut a long story short I have found various porn websites on the PC, by accident. I mentioned it to him, got a bit upset, explained that at the moment, when he knows I feel like crap about my appearance I'd appreciate it if he didn't watch it. Anyway he went on it again, I brought it up again and he gave me some crap about how he was only showing it to a few mates and it was all innocent. By this time I had said to him a few times that I would watch it with him if it was that it turned him on.
Now I have found out he is still looking at them. He lied at first but then admitted that he thought I wouldn't find out again so he didn't think anything of it. He has also been rather perky recently so to now think that he is watching porn, getting all excited, and then having to settle for me is making me feel pretty low, as I thought it was me that was getting him excited.
Now I know all men look at porn, its as natural to them as breathing, but as I have tried to explain to him its just at the moment I am pretty gutted at how I look, so to think he is looking at these women who are the exact opposite of me is pretty hurtful. Can he not just hang on until I can at least give these svelt slim flexible young bodies a run for their bloody money!!!
He doesn't think there is anything wrong with what he is doing and thinks I am going insane.
By the way I have to go soon so I am not ignoring anyone that replies!!
er, I don't think he is settling for you at all. A picture/video of a woman, no matter how pert, is not much use when you want a shag is it?
I'm sure he's not thinking that they are better looking than you at all. Really, men are not that analytical about these things .
He says there is nothing wrong with his looking at porn and yes, if you were fine with that then he is right.
However, as it clearly upsets you, and you have set out the reasons why to him as concisely as you have above, then he is being unreasonable.
Yes, many men look at porn but I don't believe it is all men. It is not a fundamental part of being a man and he is wrong to say that you are going insane because it upsets you. IMO, that is quite a manipulative turn of phrase to use - it turns it around to being your problem.
I'm sorry to be harsh but it sounds like he doesn't care for your feelings at all.
Thanks Someguy, nice to get a blokes perspective on this. He isn't very analytical, about anything, but I just can't get that thought out of my head!
From a blokes POV can I ask why he wouldn't take me up on my offer to watch it with him? Cos that bothers me aswell that I have said I would but he is still creeping about watching it in private....is it just one of those 'bloke' things??
MrsJohnSmith - he did actually say it was my issue not his......
He just keeps saying he loves the way I look and because he tells me that he can't understand why I am bothered, but I can't help wonder is he looking at me and getting twinges of guttedness that I don't look the way I did anymore IYSWIM
Have you tried watching it on your own? Do you find it arousing? Not all women do, it sounds like you are uncomfortable about it, so it's probably putting him off doing it if those are the vibes he is getting.
But if you want to watch it with him, can't you just put something on the DVD player or whatever? Because sitting in front of the PC watching porn is not really a couple's activity is it.
Proper porn dvds are available from US, the ones in this country are censored unless you go to a licensed sex shop.
Try here for instance: www.action-dvd.com/sequels_det.asp?sequel_id=710
I'm not sure that most blokes would actually want their wives/girlfriends to look like your average porn star!! I know its difficult, but try not to compare yourself to these airbrushed, surgically enhanced lovelies
I can relate to your feelings about the changes to your body. I feel the same. Like your DH, mine also tells me how much he loves the way I look and how much he loves me. Because of this, I know that if I found his behaviour upsetting then he would stop, out of respect for me.
The fact of the matter is that it is your DH's issue.....he is doing something which upsets you and is continuing to do this behind your back, despite your upset.
I had a similar situation with a previous b friend I was insecure he was looking at porn and after discussing it with him I concluded it was my problem. However just to be sure I made sure he walked in to catch me enjoying myself looking at perfectly toned tanned pictures of men. He then after telling me I was being unreasonable for being upset at him for looking at porn had a right go at me asking how do I think he feels seeing me looking at some adonis. I pointed out that it probably made him feel the same as I had the other day he said he was sorry hadn't thought of it like that and stopped looking at the porn. Just thought you might want to try this as it sorted problem out in my previous relationship.
Hi. I can sympathise.
I used to love porn and probably looked at it more than than my husband ever did. I preferred to look at it on my own as it was me time and I could really let go in a way I sometimes couldn't with DH either asleep or me not quite tipsy enough.
Porn -- proper porn, not the nasty soft core pathetic Pam Andersony type stuff -- is more about scenarios and much, much less about the attractiveness of the participants. My old favourites had some quite, erm, ropey looking actors/actresses in it.
It's about escaping really, a guilty pleasure. For me it was a critical part of me learning how to 'get off' properly. I had a much much higher sex drive than my husband.
I even looked when I was pregnant in the last trimester
But since having my baby and breastfeeding for 7 months I just don't think about sex and almost recoil when my husband is anything more than breezily affectionate. I think I must have touch overload from feeding near constantly but yes, I put on lots of weight and even though I've lost almost all of it, my once fabulous tits have suffered and I have a belly still. So I have lost a bit of my self-esteem mojo too. As well as not feeling hormonally up for it.
I caught my husband looking at it the other day and did an about turn and walked out the flat. I felt humiliated, embarrassed for him and for me and a bit sad really. Reminded me that our sex life has gone off the boil. Totally hypocritical in one sense since I used to look all the time and never once thought "I wish my husband had a bigger x, or more toned ys". So I doubt my husband was thinking "I love my wife, but she's still looking a bit pregnant and I don't fancy her"
I think all he wanted was a wank and thought I didn't need him suggesting sex (which kind of makes me feel pressured right now)
Sorry, a bit of a long essay but wanted to post both perspectives.
Someguy - I do get pretty turned on by porn so its not that I am uncomfortable with it, although I take your point about watching it on a PC not being the perfect setting I suppose, but if I hadn't thought of the practicalities of that he definitely won't have!
MrsJohnSmith - I'll try not to compare myself, its hard though when they all look so bleeding pert and perfect!! Grrr....
I might try Slushys idea actually, at least I'll get mine eh?
Thanks Doris, you are right in that when I have watched it I didn't think "I wish he looked like that" so unlikley he does but I still can't get it out of my head.
I had a bad birth so sex is still alot more painful than I thought it would be, and in the past we were never one of those every night couples, but recently he has been pestering me alot more and I have to say no sometimes because my nethers simply can't accomodate that night if you get my drift. So I have come to the conclusion (right or wrong) that the recent randiness is down to him watching the porn which makes me feel a bit crap as I thought it was me.
I don't even think he is pleasing himself when he watches it and I'm not sure if thats better or worse!!
Not all porn is airbrushed, have a look at xtube, basically amateur people of various shapes and sizes uploading videos of themselves.
Ha Someguy - have visions of myself now very innocently checking out xtube just to see what its like and bloke coming in and giving me an earful!!
OP, is he a bronzed adonis? It's highly unlikely that he's got the perfect body himself! (not that I know of course, correct me if I'm wrong)
Imagine how inadequate and embarrassed about his own body he would feel, if ever faced with your typical porn star woman with huge fake boobs, slim an tanned and not a blemish in sight.
Chances are, he wouldn't be able to get it up anyway, and would run away like a little girl muttering excuses about DIY or something! lol
It's so far removed form reality as you can get. It's a release. Talk to him about it and you'll probably find that he finds you just as attractive as he did before you had a child.
From my personal point of view, I'm single, but have a "friend" I used to be a tiny size 6 - am now an overweight size 14-16, a stomach that hangs over my c-section scar, stretchmarks galore and much much more. Does he care? NO! He's very attractive himself, and could probably have anyone he wanted. But he comes to me.
Try doing something for yourself to make you feel sexy again, when you have that, you have confidence, and then you can pounce on you DH!
Cordonbleugh - LOL at "chances are he wouldn't be able to get it up anyway" - suppose you're right..... and no he doesn't have the perfect body.
Sounds daft but I might get a spray tan, I always feel loads better when I've had one done, but then what happens when that fades away? I go back to getting jealous (jealous of an actress WTF!!!!) and wondering if he does feel a pang of disappointment when I undress...... bah!!!
YANBU BUT... porn for men works like this: I want to have a wank, I can't be arsed to get myself in the mood so I'll watch something that will get me all ready and finished off in minutes.
So don't worry, he still fancies you.
Oh an PMSL @ 'I have a thong'
Haha I do have a thong, its more like cheesewire now but I still have it
Tell you what, you go and get that spray tan! Then buy some of that moisturiser with tan in it to top it up, just slather some on each day when the spray tan starts fading and you'll keep your lovely glow.
get one of these
Probably not that exact one obviously but just to give you an idea - you can get similar things cheaper in New Look.
That should solve any issues you have with your stomach. ( try wearing another padded bra underneath one of those - he'll be so preoccupied with a face full of boobs that he won't pay any attention to anywhere else!)
Oooh I like that style of corset-whatever-it-is Cordonbleugh, my boobs are a bit bigger now so will actually fill it out a little.
Can't help but think this is a bit of a quick fix but there again I am hoping to shift the extra weight soon and won't feel as inadequate then (or look like a frog being held up by its head)
Thanks for the tip x
Also, try and maximise your best features - you said your boobs are bigger - so enhance them even more.
If you like your eyes, spend a bit of time doing some smoky eye makeup.
Invest in a pair of killer heels to lengthen and slim your legs. ( the styles with a sort of hidden platform will be comfier as you still have the high heel, but the platform lessens it if you see what I mean).
If it's any consolation, I look like I'm 8 months pregnant!!
BIG MISTAKE ladies to think that your DH looking at porn has anything at all to do with how you look. He looks at sexual images because his testosterone levels means he likes sex, needs sex and probably doesn't want to pester you every minute of the day. His relationship with you is a completely separate thing (IME). The feelings of inadequacy you feel are completely YOUR insecurities - nothing to do with him. He would still jack off even if he wasn't looking at porn so I would leave him alone and sort out your own insecurities. Now that would make you far more attractive than anything cosmetic you could possibly do...
My DH has always looked at porn like most normal guys. He has gone through the fazes of buying the mags, the dvd's surfing the net and so on.......Never did i complain and never did i feel he wanted those woman over me or feel jealous. I knew he just needed a wank plain and simple. Hate saying it so blunt but its fact . Because i gave him free reign he's now hardly ever looking at porn, hes bored of it, and now the tables have turned am in the one 'surfing' the net. It no secret between us so no need for guilt.
I think its important to seperate the two, im sure your husband fancies you more than ever esp now your the mother of his DS.
I hope you learn to love yourself soon the advice from cordonbleugh is great and go get your self tan!
Join the discussion
Please login first.