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To not want to give all my sons old clothes away?

(30 Posts)
welshone51 Tue 09-Jun-09 15:09:49

I have a friend who is a few years younger than me with a partner who has been out of work for a while. Her son is 3 months younger than my son but is on the small size and can still get away with wearing 9-12 months size clothes which my son grew out of around six months ago. I have given her various clothes that my son has grown out of in the past and in fairness to her she always thanks me and her son wears all I have given her.
However she seems to think that all my sons old clothes are going to be given to her son even though my partner has said to me that he wishes to keep hold of a lot of his clothes as we are thinking of trying for another child soon and haven't the money to buy a whole new wardrobe if I have another son.
However my friend has been continually dropping hints for me to give her more clothes and saying her son has no clothes that fits him, she only has 10p in the bank and cant afford to buy him more. She even said to a mutual friend of ours that by the time I give her more clothes her son would have grown out of them. I do feel bad for her but we have had to work hard to clothe my son but I dont like feeling responsible for her son not having anything to wear. I dont know if I have set myself up for this by giving her some clothes in the past. Should I give her the clothes or not? I feel mean but she always seems to be able to buy things for herself- I know this isnt such a big deal but would appreciate some advice?

Claire2009 Tue 09-Jun-09 15:11:19

Could you give her the clothes but ask for them back when she is done with them? That way (assumingly they're not wrecked) they can be used for when you have another Lo if it is a boy.

welshone51 Tue 09-Jun-09 15:13:59

I have thought of that but a lot of the stuff I have already given her looks very faded and some are stained already so I wouldnt really be able to use them again.
So if I give them to her it looks like she will have to keep them.

OnACaffieneHigh Tue 09-Jun-09 15:15:56

Don't feel guilty.

Being a wonderful friend in the past and helping her out does not mean you are contracted to give away all of your son's stuff! If you have some things you don't mind giving her that maybe you don't like as much (thinking potential second child here) then go for it, but it is up to you!

ginormoboobs Tue 09-Jun-09 15:17:01

YANBU
You are not a clothing service.
If she mentions again about needing clothes , tell her to look on freecycle because there are often bags of clothing being given away. You can't give her anything because you plan to have more children and really want to keep all the clothes you have.
Don't give her anything else. Why should your future child have to wear 3rd hand clothes becuase your friend is too cheap to buy her own.

GoodWitchGlinda Tue 09-Jun-09 15:18:57

Just tell her! Next time she says something about her son needing some more clothes, say 'Oh I know, they are expensive, aren't they! I would give you some more of mine, but we're not ruling out another baby in the future, so we're keeping hold of everything until we know for sure'.

If she takes offence at that, she needs to get a grip.

I had a friend who seemed to expect to have all my maternity wear when she was PG, but I'm not finished with them yet! Don't feel guilty, it's your stuff. Just be honest with her.

wishingchair Tue 09-Jun-09 15:21:04

I'd pass on stuff you really wouldn't want to keep (there'll be a fair amount of it if you look) and then keep the stuff you do. IME t-shirts are never that great when you get them out for the second one (you tend to ignore the bobbling/carrot stain with your current child but don't want to put second child in ready-stained clothes) but generally trousers, cardis etc are worth keeping.

To be honest, whilst I have sympathy for her, babies really don't need many clothes and you can now get them soooo cheaply, I'm sure she doesn't have to rely entirely on you.

Also why not be upfront and suggest she checks out local second hand sales as you need to hang on to some of your stuff for any second baby you may have ... my DDs got 60% of their clothes from our local NCT sale (Gap dresses that would cost £20 for only £2 etc).

BettyTurnip Tue 09-Jun-09 15:22:09

YANBU. I find that clothes do get wrecked and stained at this age though, and I don't think you should feel bad for wanting to hang onto them. What about you passing on the things that have been "well used" by your ds (or maybe that other people have bought him and you've not been so keen on) and keeping your favourites in storage? That way you are still helping out.

TBH I thing it's a bit of a cheek of your friend to be complaining and being a bit manipulative if she's obviously got some cash to buy some things for herself. Have been in a similar situation myself and it's awkward.

slushy06 Tue 09-Jun-09 15:22:42

I don't think yabu your friend may be in a bad boat but that is not your fault you have helped her. It is not your responsibility to dress her son but to look after yours. You need them I am sure if you explain that you and dp are trying for a baby and need the clothes she will be happy for you. I do think it is wrong of her to expect you to give her things. When I had ds me and my dp were living at home both lost our jobs and did not have a penny. His sister was ttc and was rather well off but I did not expect her to give me her ds clothes as I knew she needed them I just would have been grateful if she had.

ginormoboobs Tue 09-Jun-09 15:22:57

Even if you don't have another boy , the boys clothes could be sold to pay for girls clothes.
I wish I had sold / kept my girl clothes instead of giving them away

readyfornumber2and3 Tue 09-Jun-09 15:24:19

YANBU its lovely that you have helped her out in the past but it is not your responsibility to clothe her son.
She doesnt need to spend alot if she goes to car boots and/or charity shops, she needs to sort out her budget to allow for it and the longer you help her the longer she will take advantage!!

Be honest with her and tell her that you want to keep things for another baby, if she gets funny with you then she is not worthy of your friendship IMO

I helped someone out when she got pregnant unplanned and didnt have much money, I gave her all my sons old stuff (including moses basket and toys/ clothes etc) my DP was annoyed as he didnt know her, I am now pregnant with twins and she hasnt offered anything back and I even heard her saying she had giving HER moses basket to a friend (it was the one item I said I wanted back!!)
I didnt say anything but will defiantely think twice about helping someone out again!!

Flibbertyjibbet Tue 09-Jun-09 15:24:23

Don't give her any more!
How RUDE is she, moaning that anything else you give her will be too small by the time she gets it!!
goodwitchglinda's suggestion is right, but its sooo annoying when you have to justify your own actions regarding your own possessions!
What if you were like me and can't bear to get rid of anything for at least 2 years after a child has grown out of it grin

oooooooo - OR [wicked emoticon] give her a bag of stained and really bobbled stuff - my sister did that with a grasping friend and it put paid to all the hints for baby clothes instantly!

bohemianbint Tue 09-Jun-09 15:30:22

Am with Flibberty, it is terribly rude of her to assume!

Tell her to buy a bundle off ebay, they're really cheap and you can get some bargains. We didn't give anything away and are using it now with DS2. (But to be fair, don't know anyone we could have given it to anyway!) When we are finished with what we have will no doubt sell it on ebay to buy the next lot of clothes, as we're skint!

Sycamoretreeisvile Tue 09-Jun-09 15:40:46

It's cheeky really, and you're right to hold on to stuff. I had a DD then a DS and because I didn't do much pink, DS still wore much of her proper baby stuff.

I'd hand on just the stuff you never really loved anyway, and anything that's a bit scruffy or has a stubborn spag bol mark lol!

Seriously, if she's that hard up she can't be worrying about style, just practicalities of getting him dressed and warm etc.

If she asks or drops more hints, just tell her you're saving the stuff for your next kid - you don't want to shell out again, end of story.

I give my DSIS no end of stuff for her DS who is only 5 weeks younger than my DS but similarly smaller. But anything that cost a lot I ebay, or she offers to pay me for. I can't afford to give away stuff I can get a few quid back on and she completely understands this.

dorisbonkers Tue 09-Jun-09 15:46:20

I have a daughter and was given all my friend's really really posh clothes to recycle. Before that I bought loads of Petit Bateau and other expensive clothes (yes, I'm mad). So I have lots of hardly worn pricey baby clothes knocking about.

My friend is having a daughter in Spain and I've sent her all my daughter's clothes she's grown out of just saying that if I have a girl in the next few years to give back. Or if I have a boy for that matter as few are pink. I will continue to send her batches of them until she doesn't want them anymore.

Everyone's happy that way. The clothes have plenty of life in them in the early baby phases -- seems a shame to let them linger in a drawer *in case* when someone can use and appreciate them.

chegirl Tue 09-Jun-09 19:15:03

YANBU. Its your choice. It doesnt make you a bad person.

Its nice to pass things on but its not compulsory. Its not like you are chucking stuff away rather than give it to her, you are keeping it for your next child.

Kids clothes are very cheap and easy to get. She may not be able to have as many nice clothes as you but she will be able to have sufficent and they will be good quality.

Vests in tesco are £2.50
Jeans £4.00
Tops £1.50.

She could kit her baby out for £30.

I am not unsympathetic. When my two eldest were babies I was on a very low income. Their clothes came from jumble sales and charity shops. But then you had to pay a fortune in Mothercare and BHS. No primark and supermarket stuff then!

It would have been lovely to have all new things but hey thats life.

Tell her you are putting the things away for the next baby. Thats what we all used to do and no-one batted an eye. Or you could pass on a few bits that are a bit rubbish and she would get the message.

I suppose I may sound a bit harsh but she is being presumptious and quite rude.

chegirl Tue 09-Jun-09 19:15:53

YANBU. Its your choice. It doesnt make you a bad person.

Its nice to pass things on but its not compulsory. Its not like you are chucking stuff away rather than give it to her, you are keeping it for your next child.

Kids clothes are very cheap and easy to get. She may not be able to have as many nice clothes as you but she will be able to have sufficent and they will be good quality.

Vests in tesco are £2.50
Jeans £4.00
Tops £1.50.

She could kit her baby out for £30.

I am not unsympathetic. When my two eldest were babies I was on a very low income. Their clothes came from jumble sales and charity shops. But then you had to pay a fortune in Mothercare and BHS. No primark and supermarket stuff then!

It would have been lovely to have all new things but hey thats life.

Tell her you are putting the things away for the next baby. Thats what we all used to do and no-one batted an eye. Or you could pass on a few bits that are a bit rubbish and she would get the message.

I suppose I may sound a bit harsh but she is being presumptious and quite rude.

dawntigga Tue 09-Jun-09 19:18:55

YANBU you could tell her about the NCT sales very reasonable prices!

dxx

PrammyMammy Tue 09-Jun-09 19:54:09

YANBU. That is so rude of her.

You can pick up bundles of baby stuff on ebay for next to nothing. When my ds was a newborn, he lived in vests and sleepsuits that were gifts from family. I bought a bundle on ebay for 99p in the next size up, and since then i have always bought 2nd hand. I was a student when i fell pg and had nothing.
I buy 2nd hand, use them, and then sell on ebay again to fund the next size. People always comment on how well dressed he is, funny when everything he owns is 2nd hand.
Suggest that she has a look on Ebay for bundles of clothes that are for sale in her area and she can maybe pick them up. Boot sales are great too, especially for socks, shoes, vests etc.
It's really not your responsibility to supply her clothes.

dal21 Tue 09-Jun-09 20:03:54

YANBU. As the other posters have said, be direct with her, and explain that you are keeping them for another DC - you are under no obligation to give her anything.

But be prepared that she may not like or understand what she hears. As far as she is concerned, she can return the clothes to you once she has used them....and could think you are being highly unreasonable.

It is a difficult one.

welshone51 Tue 09-Jun-09 22:01:01

Thanks for all your advice, I will give her a couple of bits such as stuff which is a bit faded, not to my taste or a little stained but will keep the majority of things as I agree that childrens clothes can be bought fairly cheaply these days especially from the supermarket. It is nice to recieve clothes from others and if I wasnt thinking of having another then I would most certainly give them away. Thanks again grin

np80123 Wed 17-Jun-09 15:05:31

I found Universal Textiles very good value for money. I bought my sister a baby gift set recently and it was good value and quality. My sister now also buys other baby products from them like Baby Towels, Baby Clothing and Baby Bodysuits.

Nat

caramelwaffle Wed 17-Jun-09 17:59:08

You are not being unreasonable.

crokky Wed 17-Jun-09 18:04:31

This problem shouldn't last for much longer because baby sizes start out covering 3 months, then cover 6 months (12-18m and 18-24m) and then cover a year (age 2-3) or whatever. It is likely your DS and her DS will be in age 2-3 clothes at the same time. Perhaps tell her your DS has not outgrown any more clothes and you might need to keep them for another baby anyway.

ilovemydogandmrobama Wed 17-Jun-09 18:08:22

I gave a ton of clothes to a friend of mine. My aunt sends the kids gorgeous designer clothes which are stunning.

Another friend dropped by and friend passed on clothes that I had given her and said to other friend, 'could you please return them?' shock

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