To not want to be the recipient of this sort of charity?

[pumpkinslush]

I have spent quite some time lately tidying up my spare room and sorting through all my own possessions, ebaying, donating and passing stuff on when I could. This is all so that I can have a workable spare room for visitors (and DP to have an occasional uninterrupted night) and most importantly space to study without having to clear everything away if I am interrupted. I am in a very small flat and have little storage space and with all baby stuff it seems smaller than ususal

A few days ago a friend then sent me several binbags full of stuff - kids clothes, toys etc as she was having a clearout.
A nice gesture? - except firstly she knows I dont buy and rarely accept second hand stuff, (this is purely personal and I am prepared to be flamed for it but as the youngest of a large family I was always the recipient of hand me downs and never seemed to have anything new - and as an adult I tend to steer clear of anything second hand, silly I know, theres nothing wrong with it but its just a stupid qualm)
Secondly, she knows I have already been complaining about the amount of stuff I have and my limited storage, and have most of the items given already- I really dont need more toys and clothes.
Thirdly the stuff is totally unsorted with lots of unsuitable stuff - clothes too small etc.
Fouthly the way it was sent to me was via a mutual friend and made it impossible to politely refuse anything

So now my 'study' is filled back up with bags and boxes, again to be sorted, and I have spent my study time washing loads of clothes, cleaning toys and put most of it to be given to other friends or charity

I can appreciate the gesture of giving but feel used as a bit of a dumping ground: She has her clearout and feels good because shes given it away, but I now have the choice of throwing out her stuff, thus being wasteful and ungreatful or sorting it out, spending my time and energy on it, and having it occupying my space.

I give stuff away to friends but tend to think about it first - eg make sure items are washed, right size, possibly useful, and always mention that its an offer - if they dont want or need it, then fine.

AIBU to feel a bit pissed off? or am I just an ungreatful cow?

[zookeeper]

just run it down to the nearest charity shop and think no more about it.

[MadameDefarge]

She's just different to you.

I'd just dump the lot at a charity shop so you don't have to go through t all.

[Lilyloo]

Agree with zoo

[karala]

I wouldn't pass stuff on without checking that the recipient actually wants it so YANBU.

[charlotteolivia]

Does she live near you?

Next time you speak to her, say thanks very much, but none of it fits, you don't know anyone that you can think of that needs it, and that you're sure she must know someone else with small children. Mention that you've got no space as it is!
All in a smiley manner, and end the conversation asking whether she would like to pick them up, or when is a good time for you to drop them off.

she should get the hint!

[pumpkinslush]

but why couldnt she have done that?

Most of it will end up in charity shops but couldnt send stuff thats unwashed etc in - I would be too embarrassed and its likely to get thrown away then anyway

[stripeypineapple]

I think YAB abit U.

She probably thinks she's doing you a big favour and saving you some cash to boot.

We all think our stuff is very nice, we bought it in the first place and don't tend to mind if there is a bit chipped off there or a little stain there as it's our thing and we have memories and emotions attached but to others they're just bits of dirty old stuff so I can see your point of view too.

It is lovely to get things organised and be sorted and to have your new clean space interrupted by new crap must be irksome but if it's all still in bags then you don't have to sort anything you can charity shop it all and not have to have anything you don't want.

Simple.

[OrmIrian]

pumpkin - unlike you I have no problem with second-hand. But I do agree with you. I had this when I was pregant the third time. I had 2 LOs to look after, was feeling totally knackered and was still working full-time. Not one but two people saw fit to empty the contents of their loft into my house Next door was emigrating and they gave me everything - incl a load of things they had already asked me about and I'd turned down. Then SIL did the same - DH went all the way to Southampton to pick it up and it filled our dining room to the ceiling! And because it was 'family' I felt obliged to show willing and use some of it. So DH and I trawled through the lot and kept some, 'lofted' the rest and tried to find a charity shops to accept the rest. It took weeks to sort it out.

It is generous to offer things that people want. It isn't generous to use them as an easy alternative to the charity shop and the dump!

I am extremely careful for this reason when I pass on my second-hand stuff now.

[pumpkinslush]

oops- was a reply to zookeeper

You are right, Im overthinking it
I shall practice my smiley hinting skills

[zookeeper]

just bin if it it bothers you that much

[JenniPenni]

I'd call her, and say what charlotte says. If you take everything to a charity shop (and why should you have to schlep to one?) she might be miffed that you view her stuff as junk.

I give loads to charity shops but am so thoughtful about what I give... she should have made the effort to go through everything - certainly not you!

[CandleQueen]

Why did you accept them? Friends are always trying to offload crap second hand clothes on me for my baby, when we already have a loft-full from our first DS.
Just smile and say no thankyou.

[Scotia]

Put it on freecycle - somebody will be grateful for it. You don't have to sort it all out - it will be snapped up.

I wish your friend was mine - I'd love hand me downs for my ds's

[pumpkinslush]

I accepted it because it was carried by a mutual friend over the handles of her pram and I couldnt really say no!

[OrmIrian]

And when someone says 'oh I've got a few bits that I thought you might find useful' you don't say no as it sounds like a carrier bag full. Not a bloody house full!

[BradfordMum]

eBay it and make some money!

[annh]

Pumpkinlush, how did this mutual friend manage to fit "several bin bags of stuff"over the handles of her pram?!

[GeneHunt]

Just take it back.

[pumpkinslush]

I have no idea! Im probably exaggerating the volume a bit, but the clothes were in binbags, (not full) over the handles, and some stuff was in the shopping carrier of a carrycot style pram. Its the process of sorting, which I probably shouldnt have bothered with, that is occupying my space so much.
Mutual friend looked as though she was going to rupture something which is the main reason why I just took it all off her. Shes a fit and determined person and the walk is not too far, but I would have used a car as I am feeble sensible.

[Blu]

You are over-thinking, and over-kind!

It would have been Ok to call her and say 'I don't really need any of this stuff, do you want to pick it up and give it to someone else, or shall i just take it to the charity shop?'.

Charity shops wash and iron even if it arrives washed and ironed - and they wouldn't know it was YOU who brought grubby stuff!

Your friend was a bit thoughtless, doubtless kindly enough intentioned, but it's OK to say 'no thanks' and pass the problem right back!

[pumpkinslush]

The replies have made me think about my attitude a bit here, thanks everyone

I never even considered not looking at the stuff or giving it straight to charity without sorting it
I initially thought - oh nice to think of us, and then when realised that there wasnt much thought in it started worrying - but what if she sees it in our local charity shop? am I being ungreatful?

Im one of these good little people who clears their plate, queues patiently and unfailingly says thankyou in situations like this, no matter what I am feeling. I even worry about the state of the clothes Im giving to charity

I am being a doormat
Well, no more
I am taking my study back!

[hellsbelles]

did she give you dirty stuff? That really is a bit mean! I don't think yabu to be upset about that!

[GoodWitchGlinda]

Just take what you want and pass it on! It is as simple as that.

Yes, it might be a bit of an inconvenience, but you can either look on the bright side (nice gesture, and the chance to pass it on) or the miserable side (humph, can't believe she has lumbered me with all this crap old stuff and now I have to lug it all to the charity shop...)

You have a choice - take the happy side and then think nothing more of it.

Life is too short, really..

[moyasmum]

Remember give it to the charity shop she is least likely to support,(cats protection if shes phobic, that sort of thing,)so when she asks......

[giveloveachance]

Had to laugh at this!

I was given all sorts of stuff - all unsolicited - and one 'friend' gave me some things saying - these trainers are new, I just think they are a bit common on little children so i thought you'd like them!!!!!!

Some of the things have been great, but to spare feelings, i did what goodwitch says - i sorted through and gave what was no use to be to the local charity shop.