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To be bit bewildered as to why no-one is talking to ME?

(10 Posts)
blondissimo Mon 08-Jun-09 15:23:02

Will try (but probably fail) to keep this short? My sister texted me last week for advice as her husband has been calling and texting other women since before they got married about 4 years ago. He claims that nothing physical has happened but that he was just having a laugh etc. The texts that she has told me about have been very suggestive and verging on crude. She does not trust him and is always checking his phone and email and recently found a registration email to a website that offers affairs for married people. She was very upset. I tried to be reasonable, and ask if there is any way this could be a joke, etc, but she had his login details and over the course of a few days found messages to three different women, talking about meeting up in a hotel, sex, etc. She left and went to stay at my mum's, and I went berserk telling her and my mother what a bastard he was, as he has already been given a second chance, etc. But of course he talked her round, and they were back in the same bed that night, with him saying that he has a problem with craving excitement hmm. Apparently he is going to see a counsellor.
I am standing firm, and have said I will not be speaking to him as I am so angry, and initially I said he would not be coming to my upcoming wedding, but I have now said he can attend, as I want my sister to be happy.
But now both my mum and sister seem to be completely blanking me and a bit snotty when I have spoken to them. It's as if they are angry with me for my opinions on him! I know it's up to her to stay with him if she wants, but surely I am entitled to my own opinions?

Unicornvomit Mon 08-Jun-09 15:26:28

unfortunately, because she has decided to give him another go, you are now going to be seen as being unsupportive. you also told your mum and sister exactly what you thought of him, so now she is back with him, she wants to forget you called him (quite rightly!) all those horrible things

everyone wants to pretned everything is ok, and you are 'the odd one out' now by actually demonstrating your annoyance with him

Drusilla Mon 08-Jun-09 15:29:50

If she chooses to stay with him, even if he is a complete arse, then all you can do is be there for her. It's their marriage not yours and if you ban him feom family events I doubt she will feel you are being supportive of her

MorningTownRide Mon 08-Jun-09 15:34:14

I would have done exactly the same thing if this had happened to my sister!

Unfortunately you have to bite your tongue. Tell your sis you are not happy with the way he has treated you, but you love her and support her.

pjmama Mon 08-Jun-09 15:38:58

No matter how much you love someone, its always a bit dangerous to slag off their other half for appalling behaviour (although in this case, the pig clearly deserves it!). You end up being left out in the cold when they get back together, because you can't take back all the things you've said.

I think all you can do now is talk to your sister and explain that you said what you did out of concern for her. However, you respect her decision to give him another chance as she should know him better than anyone. Then just be there for her if (when?) he does it again. It's one of the hardest things to watch people you care about going down a path that you're pretty sure will end in disaster, but people have to be allowed to make their own mistakes I guess? I hope it works out for you all, especially your poor sister. X

AMumInScotland Mon 08-Jun-09 15:43:14

You're entitled to your opinions, and FWIW I agree with you - he's a bastard and she's an idiot to take him back.

But since she has taken him back, you don't really have a right to be more angry with him than she is. After all, he hasn't done you any direct wrong, and if she has decided to forgive him and try again then you have to respect her right to do that (even if you think she's an idiot for it).

So, I think the only answer is to bite your tongue and support her in trying to make the relationship work, which means treating him like a member of the family and not voicing your opinion of him.

And, hard though it may be, give her your genuine support and don't say "told you so" if they hit another sticky patch, or even if they split up permanently.

Being right is nice, but being supportive is more important, and she may well need a lot more support from you before this is all settled, however it turns out.

mrsshackleton Mon 08-Jun-09 15:43:46

Oh poor you, blondissimo. It's classic - you say "I never liked him anyway" or words to that effect and it guarantees that they get back together and shun you, as they don't want anyone to shatter the lovely new world they're trying to rebuild

Do as pjmama says. Bite your tongue. Don't say "I told you so" when it happens again as it v likely will. sad

Tortington Mon 08-Jun-09 15:46:33

i think you just learned the hard way - that as much as you love your sister -she will love her husband more.

and whilst you can be a sympathetic ear for her. You cannot take sides - this isn't your argument.

she probably feels more than embarrased that she is giving this terrible situation anoteher go and being made to look the fool

the best thing a sister could do - would be to always be there for her and support her decisions.

blondissimo Mon 08-Jun-09 16:04:57

Thank you ladies - throughout the whole incident I have made it clear to her that I will always support her, and that I will not tell her what to do, only advise, etc. But I think the reason I am quite annoyed is that he seems to have been carrying on like this throughout the marriage, and comes out with the most ridiculous excuses. It is so frustrating to listen to them feel sorry for him, as if he is the victim, because he has this alleged "problem".
I think the reason I was quick to badmouth him, is that to tell the truth, my dp and I have never really liked him. He is arrogant and cocky, and always makes snide remarks towards us about money as we are a little bit better off than them - something that we never mention or bring up ourselves. I also feel that my sister has changed a lot since she met him - she used to be a bubbly, outgoing and fun person, and now she lacks confidence and acts as if she is almost scared of him (ie, don't tell him this/that, I must be home by x time, etc).
I suppose this was just my opportunity to be able to let the family front down and express how I really feel.
Luckily I live quite far away and rarely see him as I really don't think I would be able to be civil towards him.

blondissimo Mon 08-Jun-09 20:40:43

Forgot to also add that he sent me an email to apologise, but used most of the email to tell me that I was in the wrong for slagging him off and that I should keep a lid on it. It was very patronising and made my blood boil!

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