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To want to be left alone?

(12 Posts)
foreveroptimistic Mon 08-Jun-09 12:51:16

Am I the only person who finds that your life is not your own since you have children?

I know I am being a teensy bit unreasonable as other people on here complain about being lonely and having no friends but I crave time with just me and my family. Because I work very part time people expect me to be available all the time to go for coffee, shopping and other pointless activities that I don't have the money for. Every day I receive text messages asking me to go for coffee and I am never allowed to say no because I don't want to I always have to have a ready made excuse.

After school is a real PITA because it is assumed that I want to spend more time with people and their children whereas I just want to do something with my ds. I find that I really miss the early days when it was just me and ds at home and I didn't have any friends. Everyone knows what I am up to all the time and I don't feel comfortable with it.

The thing is I'm actually quite unsociable and boring so I can't understand why my company is so in demand. hmm I would like to be able to say "no" without people questioning my decision.

I feel like a grumpy old cow but I can't make myself more sociable than I am.

Nancy66 Mon 08-Jun-09 12:53:07

I never feel compelled to offer a good reason if I don't want to do anything - neither should you.

If you are invited out for a coffee and don't fancy it just say: 'can't make it this time sorry.' - Easy peasy.

foreveroptimistic Mon 08-Jun-09 13:02:18

My conversations usually go like this:

"Are you free for a coffee tomorrow?"

"No bit busy maybe catch up with you next week?"

"Well I really would like to see you this week why are you so busy?"

"Trying to catch up with housework and studies."

"You can do your housework any time. If you can't meet me in the day then lets get together after school."

"I can't because ds is so tired and he has lots of after school activities"

"Well you really need to make time for your friends, I feel like you don't want to be friends anymore"

Then I feel guilty and feel compelled to meet them. After school is even worse because people have actually said to me that not feeling like it is not a good enough excuse not to meet up!

Nancy66 Mon 08-Jun-09 13:04:33

Ok, I take it back. Your friends sound weird and needy.

i can't imagine any of my mates giving me the third degree because I was unable to meet them.

foreveroptimistic Mon 08-Jun-09 13:08:31

Oh well at least I know its not me then! Over the years I seem to have attracted lots of friends like these.

OrmIrian Mon 08-Jun-09 13:11:40

I crave time with just me! So if you are unsociable I must be a sociopath.

I do get your point. I am quite a sociable soul - I like spending time with friends but I agree it's nice to kick back with just those close to you.

megapixels Mon 08-Jun-09 13:15:03

Don't answer the phone or reply to texts when you want to stay home with your DS. The next time you see your friends just say 'Oh I didn't see your text (or whatever), I was just chilling out with DS at home. It was great, I'm going to do it more often'.

Tee2072 Mon 08-Jun-09 13:16:46

Just keep saying no. If they ask why, say 'because.' Just like the small child they are acting like.

'do you want to go for coffee?'

'no'

'why not'

'because'

'no, really, why not?'

'because'

etc until they give up.

Just because they ask for a reason, does not mean you have to give them one.

No is a full sentence.

supagirl Mon 08-Jun-09 14:07:40

yanbu, but those friends seem a bit clingy shock

I have weeks where we have lots on, but try to make sure we have at least 2 or 3 free afternoons a week free for chilling out/doing our own thing.

The LO's get invited to lots of playdates but we do say no sometimes (often in fact!) because I think kids need to unwind after school at least a couple of times a week if not more.

If one of my friends was really pushy I think I would just tell her the truth, that we have a lot on, it's nothing personally but I just want some time with LO's. If that offended her and she got the hump, is it really such a great loss.....sounds like a toxic friend to me.

SG

pjmama Mon 08-Jun-09 14:12:51

After my DC were born, many of my close friends without kids vanished into thin air and I was very very lonely. If you keep putting people off, eventually they will stop asking. If you don't want any friends, then that's up to you but if it were me I'd be trying to find a balance, maybe just say yes every other time?

foreveroptimistic Mon 08-Jun-09 14:52:00

I do say yes every other time pjmama but this meams that my diary is still chockablock as I am not talking about one particular friend I am talking about lots.

I already have things scheduled for the summer holidays because people want to slot something in as they know that we get booked up. It just feels too much sometimes.

PurpleCrazyHorse Mon 08-Jun-09 21:48:56

YANBU, I'm just the same but am also genuinely rubbish at checking my phone so provides an honest excuse.

Not actually having kids yet this might not be totally reasonable.... but maybe decide on how much time you want/need doing family stuff and book that in your diary first so it has the highest priority. I'd also set a time limit on coffees etc so you feel you can leave after an hour or so due to another appointment/activity etc.

Personally, I like to arrange one big meet-up rather than lots of little 1-on-1s for coffee. Maybe you could see a few friends together (plus it might work out less frequent as everyone needs to agree a suitable day/time)?

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