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to be dreading my mother in law visiting...AGAIN!!! Its her baby apparently?!?!?!

(63 Posts)
Madmama33 Sun 07-Jun-09 12:11:36

Right, I've tried venting my frustration to my husband - but as its his mother i am moaning about, its not going down too well!!!!

She honestly is THE most interfering annoying person on the planet! I do love her dearly tho!!!!!!

My baby boy is 1 month old...born early...so very small......but doing very very well (touch wood).

The M.I.L (mother in law) from hell is really making my life a misery at the moment...she is constantly visiting (understandable) but refers to my son as "her baby" and is really really pushy when giving her pearls of wisdom regarding childcare!!!! n.b. I used to be a Nursery Nurse!

I've said that I want to feed him room temp milk (he's bottle fed as my milk was near on non existent)......but she insists on warming up the bottles when she feeds him!!!! She reckons warm milk stops colic....ummm, no...babies get colic regardless!!!!!

She phones at least 4 times a day and wants us to put the phone to the baby so she can hear his voice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the?!?!?!?!

She insists on swaddling him even tho I've asked her not to do it for fear of overheating!!!!

She keeps taking his dummy out of his mouth when I've said that its advisable these days to give babies dummies...

What I should explain is that I've had experience of a baby passing away due to cot death (not my own but a friend) and so I am a little paranoid about the do's and don'ts!

When she arrives its very much like I am pushed out......most of the pictures she has taken are of the baby, her son, and her relatives....I am hardly ever in them.....its like I don't really exist anymore!!!

My husband isn't very hands on in terms of feeding and changing..cuddles are no problem...I've spoken to her about it and she constantly makes excuses for him!!!! There is no excuse, its his son!!!! She cannot accept that her son is less than perfect! I'm the one in the wrong!

I tell her things that the baby has done during the day - and she then asks my husband about it again - as if I'm not telling the truth!!!!!!!!!!

There is a culture issue between us and she insists that my son will be bought up as her religion!!!! I don't want him to be any religion unless he wants to be!!!! Now I am being bombarded with plans for religious ceremonies and traditions that I don't understand and to be honest, don't really want to participate in! I am not a religious person and have never been...this was always respected before...now my opinions don't seem to count!

Thing is, I know in her own way she is only trying to help and be supportive so I don't want to have a go.....I've tried approaching my husband...but obviously, its his mum and he gets defensive......

She and I used to have a really good relationship and she was NEVER pushy before the baby arrived....now she's turned into something completely different!!!!!

Is there anyone out there who has experienced something similar?? I'm finding I'm not able to count to 10 anymore!!!

Am I just being a touchy new mum? Please someone give me some advice...be honest and tell me if I'm just being a cow!!!!!

I'm not sure how to handle this one!!!

racmac Sun 07-Jun-09 12:16:28

YANBU

You need to stand her to her NOW - do not leave it it will get worse.

Tell her exactly how you are feeling and tell her that if she doesnt start treating you with respect then you will restrict access.

dorisbonkers Sun 07-Jun-09 12:17:29

Sorry, I have a mad MIL and it helped that we lived 7,000 miles apart.

What's the deal about dummies? I haven't heard that.

Oh, and good luck. My baby was 5 weeks early and a titch.

marmitebabe Sun 07-Jun-09 12:18:43

Is this her 1st grandchild by any chance?

You have my complete sympathy. Although my MIL was NOWHERE to be seen when I had my DC and certainly never offered any advice I could have done with a bit of support as my own mum was dead. Where is your mum in all this?

You sound like a typical 1st time mum to me, careful and cautious and being a nursery nurse you know most than most 1st time mums. Also your hormones are still settling down so you are probably still bit over emotional.

Tread warily but don't let her walk all over you.

ps what religion is MIL?

Meglet Sun 07-Jun-09 12:19:52

Oh crap, you poor thing, she sounds like an overbearing nightmare sad. You're not being over sensitive at all.

I'm not sure how you need to handle this but I'm sure someone who is more gobby diplomatic will be on in a moment.

But your DH needs a kick up the backside that's for sure.

Meglet Sun 07-Jun-09 12:20:55

Oops, that 'gobby' should have been struck out.

beanieb Sun 07-Jun-09 12:21:31

with the milk thing (I know nothing about the difference between room temp and warm BTW) I think you need to say 'no, I am doing it like this and you must not do it like that'

it sounds like she's just doing what she wants regardless and that is a bad sign.

lizzyboo Sun 07-Jun-09 12:32:36

Next time she is over, get you DH to look after the baby and insist she pops out for a coffee and a chat with you. Tell her how you are feeling, cry if you can, that should get her attention. Tell her you really appreciate everything she is doing and that your so glad that your baby has such a wounderful granny. Ask her if your ever worried about anything can you come to her for advice. That way she feels needed and you get to say how you are feeling. The religion think could work to your advantage, In a few years you will give anything to have a sunday lie in, and if baby is at church with gran you can. When he's older he will make his own choice and walk away if he wants. You just need to learn how to play her.

SammyK Sun 07-Jun-09 12:32:57

YANBU

Screen your calls if she is calling too often, and don't call her back, just airily say 'oh sorry we were both sleeping/out for some air'.

You need to say very calmly and sternly with an icy stare, 'no, I have already mentioned this to you and I would prfer if you would do as I ask and not undermine me'. I would also pull her up every time she says 'my baby'. A lot of MILs do this and it's weird IMO.

Stand your ground on the things that are important to you. I agree with other posters too that your DH should be backing you up.

Why don't you go and have a lovely picture done of you, your DH and son. smile

lizzyboo Sun 07-Jun-09 12:41:31

My mum used to call my first baby hers, it was awful, we'd be in town with baby in the pram and she would stop people and ask if they wanted to see her baby. For her it was like having me all over again. Me having a baby took her back to when she was happiest and had just had me. I will probably do the same when I am granny.

beanieb Sun 07-Jun-09 12:45:03

Does she tell you before she arrives? Can you put her off or not let her in?

squilly Sun 07-Jun-09 12:46:16

YADNBU - My Mil's as mad as a balloon and I loathe having to deal with her. I wish I'd made a stand earlier. Now dd is 8 I don't deal with her at all. Hardly talk to her, hardly see her, never listen to her.

Our relationship, which was always a little edgy as she's a bit of a control freak, went down hill rapidly when she completely undermined my authority with dd a few years back. I was telling dd she wouldn't get her pocket money if she didn't do as she was told, MIL told her not to worry, she'd give her the money instead. And this was said in front of me! I told MIL that she was bang out of order and I would make the rules where my child was concerned. This was none of her concern.

We also had fall outs when she told dd she had monkey legs (because they were hairy) and again, recently, she got narky with me because I rang up to tell her she could keep dd for an extra few hours when she was looking after her. DD heard the phone and decided she wanted to come home, so of course, I was in the dog house.

I just kept dd away for a couple of weeks and showed her that I do ultimately have control of dd.

I feel childish sometimes when talking about this situation, but the point I'm laboriously making here is, stand your ground. This is YOUR child, not your MIL's and she needs to respect you. If she doesn't, you hold all the cards.

I'd never deprive dd of her nan, cos she loves her, but MIL has to know that I deserve respect. Se can bad mouth me behind my back to dd, but ultimately dd will not respect her for it. The sooner your MIL knows this is your child, not hers, the better imo.

Bucharest Sun 07-Jun-09 12:46:49

YANBU, although at least she's smothering you all with love rather than the hate I got from mine till I fvcked off out of her life...

Be firm, and more importantly, get dh on your side...it doesn't matter whether he's a hands-on Dad yet or not (he'll learn, if you give him a few nudges in the right direction, his balls won't drop off he gets up and does a feed every so often, he'll probably love it...)My dp (Italian, and therefore industrial sized super glued on umbilical to his mother's apron strings) needed a good bit of training up, but now we are both so proud of the fact that we did everything on our own with no interference help from anyone...grin

What he has to realise now, is his umbilical cord with his mother was cut many moons ago. You and your child are his family now...of course the old trout can be included, but on your terms. And you've just given birth, so you're the one who gets to call the shots.

Good luck! smile and don't let these precious (and exhausting) first weeks start to become a 'mare because of interfering old bids.

MrsMattie Sun 07-Jun-09 12:50:42

YANBU. Be assertive and set the tone now.

If you have to have a falling out with her to make her realise that it's your way or the highway, so be it. Otherwise you will have years of this. Get your DH on side, too.

pjmama Sun 07-Jun-09 13:12:34

It sounds like there's hope since you had a good relationship before. She's obviously just besotted with the baby and is trying to help but has unfortunately overstepped the mark. You HAVE TO tell her how she is making you feel and you HAVE TO do it now. It doesn't have to be confrontational (the suggestion of a few well placed tears is a good one!), she most likely doesn't realise how she's making you feel and will probably be mortified. But it won't get any easier unless you nip it in the bud. You are the Mum and YOU say how things are done - stand your ground and have confidence that you know what you're doing. Good luck! X

helsbels4 Sun 07-Jun-09 13:26:55

I agree with everyone else here that YANBU!!! I'm sure she is just totally besotted with her new grandchild but you must tell her now that your ds is your baby and not hers and that you insist she respects how you and dh choose to raise him.

Explain that you are willing to listen to advice but the final decisions regarding his upbringing lies with his parents!

You really do need to confront this soon, otherwise it will just get worse and worse.

Good luck and enjoy your little boy smile

cocolepew Sun 07-Jun-09 13:39:46

Take a stand no matter how harsh you sound - it will only get worse if you don't. Don't worry about hurting her feelings, she is steamrolling over yours.

She isn't being helpful and supportive in her own way, she is being controlling.

Good luck smile

piscesmoon Sun 07-Jun-09 13:40:02

I think you need to tackle it now, in a polite way. Sit down with DH and plan what you are going to say together-if you make sure that he understands that you want a good relationship with her and want her to be a big part of DCs life BUT want to do it your way he is more likely to help you. There is no need to be rude or unpleasant, just explain your feeling to her. If you don't make a stand now you will have years of upset ahead of you.

overweightnoverdrawn Sun 07-Jun-09 13:51:16

put the baby in a sling when she is about to arrive . get one of those milk dispencer things . the one where you have the bottle of water and the powder in th container and then you pour it into the bottle . Have this with you you so she cant get hold of the bottle . sTAND UP FOR YOUR SELF NOW OR IT WONT GET EASIER ESPECIALLY ABOUT RELIGIOUS STUFF . sHES HAD HER KIDS NOW ITS YOUR TURN . ( SORRY ABOUT CAPS ) Lol

Bucharest Sun 07-Jun-09 13:53:28

Ooooh, she won't like a sling, she'll say it'll squash the baby.....(mine did) (It was apparently because I "couldn't bear to hold" my own child angry)

overweightnoverdrawn Sun 07-Jun-09 13:54:06

go on this site for loads of support about MIL
its very addictive

LupusinaLlamasuit Sun 07-Jun-09 14:03:10

I think - as with most of these stories - YA mostly NBU. Put your foot down, explain very clearly how it is VERY important to you to do things your way and she will just have to get used to it. Lay down some boundaries. do it face to face and don't expect your H to get involved, and don't moan to him and expect him to condone that - it is his mother and you are his wife, he will be torn, but do expect him to support your decisions - and she will hopefully respect you for it.

But also remember she might not have done this before, she is very excited, she does, actually, have a right to feel the baby is part of 'her' family, even if 'hers' is a bit strong.

And remember, in years to come (perhaps ask her this?) what will you want your son's wife to be saying about you? Will you want to be involved with their baby etc? I know it is hard at one month in but we ALL become mothers in law ourselves pretty much...

nappyaddict Sun 07-Jun-09 14:20:36

What's the thing with swaddling? I've never heard of swaddling causing overheating. Fleece blankets can cause overheating though.

I think it's quite sweet that she wants to hear him gurgling on the phone.

KingRolo Sun 07-Jun-09 14:26:18

YANBU and it's worth remembering that no matter what she does, your baby will always love you best!

burningupinspeed Sun 07-Jun-09 14:29:17

She phones 4 times a day? I would stop answering tbh.

Dummies are not advised though hmm they're not disadvised of course either!

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