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To be mightily peeved my brother at his response when I told him I was pregnant?

(32 Posts)
familywhoneedsem Sun 07-Jun-09 09:54:13

He is a pain in the ass to get hold of. He called me back a couple of months ago after I called him a few times to tell him my news, and then when I returned his call he did not answer.

So I emailed him yesterday, telling him I am now 16 weeks pg, all positive news.

His response, at 4am this morning 'lil sis my life is crap, been to jail again'.

That was it. That was his sole response. End. Of.

Now should I feel sorry for him that his life is shit and think oh poor thing he must not be happy hearing good news like this? Or am I right to think he is so selfish and fucking self absorbed to not even acknowledge what I have just told him.

I really do not know why I gave him any credit for actually being there for me. I have no family. I have my brother who lives pretty much as far from me as you can get ( not on purpose I might add, he is in the army) and his own life, an estranged sister, and my parents died in 2007. No other family. Well that is not true. I have DH, my DD, and I also have Family in Law who are great, but they all live in USA. But I should have realised this brother would be too wrapped up in his own shit to give a toss about me.

And its his own bloody fault he is in prison right?

I am so disappointed and fucked off.
AIBU.

familywhoneedsem Sun 07-Jun-09 09:54:55

Sorry, not in prison, but been to prison.

giraffesCantRunA10k Sun 07-Jun-09 09:55:40

YANBU he didn't aknowledge your news at all

However he does sound like he has major issues.

GypsyMoth Sun 07-Jun-09 09:57:52

Perhaps his way of saying he doesn't feel worthy enough to be an uncle. If he's in the army and been in prison again then sounds like he may get chucked out!

LolaTheShowgirl Sun 07-Jun-09 09:58:50

What a dick. It's presumably his own damn fault if he's been to jail, is it not?! I would email him back to sort his own fucking life out and to stop self-pitying himself, the selfish moron.

familywhoneedsem Sun 07-Jun-09 10:00:07

but at what point do I go from thinking, 'you have serious problems and need help' to 'you are a loser and this is all your doing, grow up and sort your shit out and stop moaning at how shit your life is'

He is 43 years old. Its a scratched record. He is my older brother and this has been his life. My family are so fucking self absorbed.

familywhoneedsem Sun 07-Jun-09 10:01:30

Sorry ilovetiffany, I was not clear.

I have 2 brothers. 1 brother - in the army, lives up north with his family and job. This turkey of a brother - he lives in London (I am in Devon).

GypsyMoth Sun 07-Jun-09 10:02:02

Get on with your own life and rise above them all!

GypsyMoth Sun 07-Jun-09 10:03:20

LOL.....sorry,read it wrong!! And LOL at 'turkey of a brother'!!!

familywhoneedsem Sun 07-Jun-09 10:03:45

But ilovetiffany that is my point. Why is it about him? Why is my news about his unworthiness. I think it is more like he is too busy worrying about his own shit to give a toss about mine. his news is more important clearly.

And, no, he is not worthy to be an uncle. Not like he is right now.

lola I do not know what happened, but he either 1)got into a fight 2) drove his car while out of his head. Either way, its his own fault.

flaminhell Sun 07-Jun-09 10:04:21

Dont worry, let him wallow, you cant change other people just the way you react to them, at least he replied eventually, if not in a way you wanted.

Congrats by the way!

familywhoneedsem Sun 07-Jun-09 10:09:09

ilovetiffany - that is how i feel right now. I can manage with no family around if thats how it is, but then I feel guilty as he has no family either, and maybe he needs me. But I can't help him. He does not want to help himself.

He is on a self destruct mission.

duchesse Sun 07-Jun-09 10:13:02

I think that understandably he is in not really in a position to appreciate others' happy news.

The world does not revolve around your pregnancy, I'm afraid. YABU.

macdoodle Sun 07-Jun-09 10:13:38

I have a brother like that - he never even acknowledged I had had a DD2 in difficult circumstances! It was always a bout him, how hard his life was, he expected unending support from us (me and dsis) but never recipricated (in fact when my life was very hard my marriage breaking up pregnant etc), he said it wasnt his fault my life was a train wreck shock
I havent had any contact with him for over 2 years and although it makes me sad, I no longer get angry frustrated manipulated etc etc etc

familywhoneedsem Sun 07-Jun-09 10:13:42

flaminhell I always worry when he does not reply, 'is he dead?' 'has he done something really bad and in prison for a long time?' (worse has he hurt some-one). So if he has been in prison for only 2 months, that will be a 6 month prison sentence what with early release and all, it can't be too bad hmm unless he is out on remand.

I can easily find out. I am a probation officer grin

familywhoneedsem Sun 07-Jun-09 10:15:51

duchese - but it resolves around a drug addict and alcoholic. Still? At what point do I stop being there for him and expect a little of hi being there for me?

With my other DD, he did not even know I had had her until my mum died, so its not like I rub his nose in it.

But fair enough for your response. I did ask!

Oh, but I disagree though, the world always revolves around a pregnant woman grin

Hassled Sun 07-Jun-09 10:17:58

Your last post is the root of the problem - it's less "God, he's so self-absorbed" (which he clearly is) and more sadness about the way your big brother's life has turned out. And you can stay supportive and interested but ultimately there's little you can do for him, which must be incredibly hard to bear.

I think when you have children you become much more thoughtful/aware of your own family, and more conscious of the differences between the people with Mums just down the road and the people without parents. It's bloody hard, I know. What I'm trying to say is that I think the pregnancy might have focussed your thoughts a bit more about the family you've lost - but you're gaining a new one with this baby .

familywhoneedsem Sun 07-Jun-09 10:17:59

macdoodle shock he said that?! Terrible!

DH and I had said that we would not cut my brother out of our lives as long as he never did drugs in our house or stole from us. But, maybe its just too much energy right now to try and get him involved in my life? Not that I will actively cut him out by saying 'go away' but just let him do the running so to speak?

macdoodle Sun 07-Jun-09 10:18:56

Family, I worry about my brother too, and am half expected news like that one day, killed himself, killed someone else (drugs and gambling here)!
I do cyberstalk him I know which poker sites he frequents and his user name.....but I just cant have him in my life its too hard!

Hassled Sun 07-Jun-09 10:19:09

Sorry - many X posts and I didn't realise this is baby number 2. I'll shut up now .

BradfordMum Sun 07-Jun-09 10:19:26

Congrats on your pregnancy.

I remember going to tellmy grandma that a relative ha been killedin an rta in Spain.

Me - I've got some sad news gran, xxxx has been involved in a bad crash in Spain and has been killed.

Gran - and bread's gone up 2p at the co-op.

End of conversation.

To her, the price increase of bread was HER bad news, which was far worse than xxxxlosing her life.

That's just how some folk are.

familywhoneedsem Sun 07-Jun-09 10:21:37

hassled you are not a counsellor are you? That is pretty much spot on. Why on earth can I not ever describe it that way! I know how I feel but can't ever put it into words properly, and then I feel guilty that I am letting him down.

macdoodle Sun 07-Jun-09 10:22:15

I didnt cut him out, he sent me a particularly vile email , being particularly nasty and self absorbed and blaming ME for all his probelms, I am only 20 months older, and saying HE didnt want any more contact!
After that I just didnt respond to any more emails or phone calls!

familywhoneedsem Sun 07-Jun-09 10:23:52

Hassled - you are right though. With DD1 I was in the process of losing my family, had not lost them completely then.

familywhoneedsem Sun 07-Jun-09 10:26:10

Thank you for my congratulations by the way!

I am in fact a regular, but I did not want this to be known about me, its quite a personal thing but I really needed to get it all out.

I had emailed him back this morning and said 'what happened, guess there will be no congratulations then'. I refrained from saying 'what have you done this time?' thinking that might alienate him before I even know whats going on.

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