I thought I achieved a lot yesterday, my dh is moaning that he's come back this evening to chaos!!(22 Posts)
Yesterday was a day like any other with the addition of a few other things to be slotted in.
I took the dc's to school, did a big food shop as we have his family staying for the weekend, packed it all away, rushed to work, (I work from 12/1.30 every weekday). Came in from work, quick tidy up and a bit of lunch, left at 3 to collect dc's from school, dropping off one of their friends as his mum's not well, supervised homework and fed the dc's, prepared our dinner so it would be ready for dh when he came in at 7.
Although the day was hectic I got everything done and the dc's were fine all afternoon, up until just before 7 when an argument broke out about scooters when they were playing outside! Dh walked in at 7 pm to the sounds of the dc's screaming at each other, (I'd already intervened, went in to turn the oven down) intending to come straight back out.
Anyway, dh got them both in, as my ds came into the kitchen he slipped, cue screaming! At this point our dinner was ready, completely ruined by dh moaning that he's been working all day, comes into chaos when he just wants to relax, and feels nobody appreciates his efforts to finance us and the house by having a stressful job!
I listed the things I'd done that day, inc. the fact that the children had been fine until that point, he then started on about the fact I get more free time than him (true I know), in between school runs and work, so I pointed out that most of what I'm doing in this "free time" is for him, the dc's and of course the house!
He just can't see it, unless it's all completely calm as he walks in the door he feels he has a right to moan at me. I then spent the evening clearing up, sorting the dc's out for bed, (he did read one of them a story), then he also moaned that I seemed stressed about his family coming when apparently in all my "free time" it shouldn't be a problem! Told him it wasn't a problem, just all the making up of spare beds etc was going to take time tomorrow.
Does anybody get this with their dh's, bicker bicker bicker?! I do begrudge the fact he says he comes back to pandemonium every evening when in fact he doesn't! He doesn't have to do homework, baths, cleaning, shopping or anything, I know of some people's dh's who are given a list of jobs as soon as they walk in the door!
Leave him to it one day. So he had a stressfull day, everyone has those. What era does he think he lives in , the 1950's?!
Maybe he's a bit stressed himself about his familly coming over and he wants to show that HE has everything in control.
Are you parent in laws in laws very critical?
Have a nice glass of wine tonight both of you and try and relax
He needs to stop whinging and being unreasonable. I am sorry, but DH's/DP's that do this need a kick up the arse. It really annoys me.
I am lucky that my DH would never do this as he knows whatever I do during the day whether it be tidy up/not tidy up, go shopping, lunching .... tis non of his business.
You have my sympathy at the moment my dp gets a list as I am pg he wont moan though as that would mean me lifting said heavy object and him rushing feeling guilty. I hate it when people say something happens all the time just to win an argument when it does not. But as your dh sees cleaning as free time I am sure he wont mind spending his 'free time' sorting out the garden or bedroom or any other job that needs doing.
I laughed when I read this, not because it is funny, more because I have a similar problem and I work 27 hours a week for my paid job. The other job (mother and house keeper) is unpaid and undervalued.
We are having some building work done at the moment, and every night DH comes home and moans / negative comments etc about what they have done - the builder is a long term friend of his, so why I should be the one keeping on top of them. I have no problem with what they are doing, but apparently the outdoor tap is now too low and the bricks are the wrong colour (they are being rendered so wont be seen!)
He also manages to get himself up and sorted and ready for work and out of the house at 7.30am on the days he is in early; the other days he just appears downstairs just before time to leave, so I have to chivvy up the kids, sort out bags, etc and breakfast and then he moans when I am shouting at everyone, as I am trying to get to work.
So, maybe we need to go on strike!!!
Or try to re-train them! DH suggested he could be a stay at home dad, but I told him that he would need to follow a rigorous training programme first
I often feel similarly stressed out by DH coming home to "chaos", but I know he wouldn't DARE say anything. I have threatened to leave it all to him, so he knows to keep schtum!
My dh does very little around the house but doesn't moan about what I do. If he did, he'd get a clout around the ear, told to do it himself and served all the things he hates for dinner for as long as it took him to realise cleaning is NOT FREE TIME.
I actually made myself check list of all the cleaning jobs and other things I do to remind myself (I have terrible baby brain). This also serves as a proof sheet of the hard graft I've done.
However, sometimes dh justs needs a moan and sometimes he takes his bad mood out on me. Maybe your dh is stressed and bouncing that off you, maybe he needs another way to release all his tension, can he join the gym or something?
Hand him an invoice every week/day outlining exactly what you've done that day - you can make up a spreadsheet so it won't take too long once you've done the first one. It may take a couple of invoices for him to really take it in, but it may have long term benefits.
Oh and make him make the beds tomorrow. Then he'll know it's not 'free time'.
what really shocks me is how long supermarket shopping takes for a whole weeks worth (which is why I usually get it delivered). I set out to Sainsburys after dropping dd off at school, went straight to supermarket and had all the stuff put away properly/fridge tidied by lunchtime. 3 HOURS.
That's a morning doing apparently 'feck all' that I'll never get back
DH and I shop together every day in local shops; and also both do Tesco for bulky stuff every 6 weeks or so. He knows what it's like.
Send your dh out with a list.
Just say "poor you" and hand him a G&T and a bowl of peanuts when he walks in. But make sure you arrange a week away at some point so he has to do it all and see what it's actually like. I have done this and my dh does understand that it's no picnic keeping house/kids.
He is lucky to have someone that does everything around the house.
He should see what it is that you are effectively doing - which is actually a full time job in itself. He should really be saying thank you for your hard work.
My dh does more than his fair share of jobs (although at mom he is not working).
I bet that if you do some little thing to make the moment he arrives home nice for him, then he will say thank you for all your hard work. It's a psychological thing. It's very important not to get into that competitive tiredness thing where everyone's cross with each other all the time. It's so miserable. Smile and be really nice and see whether he does the same thing back.
He sounds likes a PITA. I would tell him to stuff his meal on the table unless he can show some appreciation for you. does he expect to come home to some Stepford wife situation with a bunch of robotic children neatly sat waiting for him ?
Am annoyed on your behalf. Agree with the other posts, leave him alone for a while to try it out and let him see how much 'free time' you actually get.
One day why not do nothing but the bare minimum that you have to... ie, the children's needs only.
Don't cook for him, wash anything up, tidy etc etc.
Then when he comes home just say " now this is chaos my dear".
Have you ever watched 'Mums on Strike' on Living TV.? In this series, sahms go away for 3 days and leave their husband's with the children. The men are always shocked at how much work is involved in being a sahm. When their wives return the men are always relieved. I am not a sahm, but i know that it is bloody hard work.
My dh wouldn't dare tell me that he was coming home to chaos, because he would come home to an empty house the next day.
I get this shit from my P and I go to uni 4 days a week, sometimes not getting in till 7. there's just no appreciation from these people. I told my P he should go back to his mums to learn the manners she never taught him. This thread has pissed me off and when P comes in I'm going to kick him
Definitely think you need to hammer home the difference between your 'free time' and your 'housework time'.
The more he calls it 'free time' then the more he will think of it as free time that you are not doing anything other than enjoying yourself in and that he doesn't get. So you are always going to be at an advantage in his eyes because you have lots of 'free time' - that is what his brain is hearing and associating with free time because that is what his free time is IYSWIM.
Will he help you make the spare beds up etc tomorrow? Either try saying 'right, WE have free time now so WE are going to make up the spare beds' - or if he wants to have his free time to do something else that is fun for him while leaving you to work, then say fine, we will both have FREE time to do what we want to do now, then when you are ready WE can do these jobs together for when your family comes.
And reinforce it, every time in general he talks about free time, point out that housework time is not free time. And make sure that you don't talk about your free time if you mean your housework/looking after the family jobs time.
If he doesn't get the message, start reinforcing with actions. Make a point of saying you are going to have some free time at the same time as he has any when he gets home (assumign you have done some houseworky stuff while he is out at work and can feel righteous!) - maybe feed him his meal if you are feeling particularly nice .
SOunds a bit like my dh.
By the time dh gets back, the housework is done, dinner is cooked, the kids are in pj's. Usually all is calm and lovely.
He thinks that its always like that so he actually finds it difficult to deal with when he comes home early and on weekends when its a bit chaotic.
I realised Id made a rod for my own back, as the saying goes, by making sure everything was orderly.
Maybe you've done the same.
He soon got used to mayhem and realised how much work I do when we went through a period when I couldn't do much due to being ill. He doesn't moan anymore if its not all neat and tidy and calm anymore and has learnt to let it go and help out more.
Thanks for your messages, I realise that when the children are home from school I'm focussed on getting them sorted out, meals prepared etc, so most of the time when dh comes in everything's done.
I think he's got so used to that, that the odd time it's chaotic (as it often is but he's not here!), he can't seem to cope! Then he starts, "I've had a stressful enough day then come home to this chaos, you've had time to yourself only working lunchtime!"
It must have hit home though when I ran through the list of what I actually do in my "free time", as he phoned from work late afternoon and asked if there was anything I needed him to pick up on route home from work/do when he got back. Yes, I did leave him to sort his parents' bedroom out!
FOREHEAD, yes I have watched Mum's on Strike, don't those men get a shock when left to it!! I think we're both a bit more stressed if we've got people staying at the weekend, as it's all extra preparation and clearing up in the midst of a busy week.
However, his family arrived last night and all is fine. We're all heading out later, the children's grandparents haven't seen them for a few months so are enjoying spending the time with them. That's what these weekends are all about really, I suppose I just get a bit stressed trying to make sure everything's perfect in the house. My friend is the opposite to me when people stay, she's very "Take us as you find us", which maybe I should be!
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