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Just relax and it will happen.... the what not to say thread.

(69 Posts)
OracleInaCoracle Fri 05-Jun-09 16:15:23

this could have gone in conception, but i feel that everyone will benefit from this wisdom. plus any other tips gratefully recieved (ttc based or otherwise)

when a woman says "well, we've been trying for dc2 for 3.5y now, so we'll wait and see what happens" do NOT reply "aw, well just relax and it'll happen when you least expect it".

laweaselmys Fri 05-Jun-09 16:17:21

in all fairness what are they supposed to say? Is good luck better?

Recently though I have had "What would supernanny say about her not having a routine?" About my three week old newborn!!

Tamarto Fri 05-Jun-09 16:18:17

When is it due, to someone who is not pregnant.

Fimbo Fri 05-Jun-09 16:18:25

After miscarriage do not say "well you can always try again"

OracleInaCoracle Fri 05-Jun-09 16:20:37

good luck is def preferable. just relax sounds faintly accusatory. as in "you arent pg because YOU cant relax, simple!"

shock at supernanny though!

OrmIrian Fri 05-Jun-09 16:22:55

I suspect that in that situation it's probably best to say nowt. Just smile encouragingly? Offer the dad to be some bananas (potassium v good for sperm)?

It does seem to be so easy to put a foot in it.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull Fri 05-Jun-09 16:24:43

I tend to end up telling the person that my GP recommended a large gin and tonic and meeting DH at the door in my undies more often grin

laweaselmys Fri 05-Jun-09 16:26:09

ahh, I see it is the relax thing. Yes I can see that peeing me off too!

Ahem, Goodluck, lissielou, it'll happen when it's least convenient wink (just for a bit of variation)

OracleInaCoracle Fri 05-Jun-09 16:32:24

tamarto, definately one to avoid.
fimbop sad another is "its natures way" fuckwits.

i am uber sensitive on this matter, but its v frustrating.

Fimbo Fri 05-Jun-09 16:34:39

And another favourite of my mother's "ah well it obviously wasn't meant to be". Grrr

bran Fri 05-Jun-09 16:35:04

I've had "Are you sure you're doing it right?". hmm It was DH's cousin trying to be funny, she is lovely in every other way so I forgave her.

WhaleOilBeefHooked Fri 05-Jun-09 16:36:16

I hate the whole 'careful what you say' thing. My brother and sil are adopting after many years of heartbreak and it just seems that you can't say anything. They get annoyed if people don't talk about the adoption (that means we're ignoring it), but if you ask a question that they think is 'stupid' they also get annoyed (how can you learn about something if you don't ask questions?). It drives me mad! People tend to only say things to try to be kind, not many people would deliberately want to upset anyone.

Mini rant there...not aimed at the op! smile

Now, as you were...

RumourOfAHurricane Fri 05-Jun-09 16:40:20

Message withdrawn

OracleInaCoracle Fri 05-Jun-09 16:40:52

hmm good point. tbh i wouldnt mind if people quizzed me relentlessly about our ttc, but its the well meaning "i only have to look at dh and im up the stick because i dont think about it.." stuff that irritates me.

merrymonsters Fri 05-Jun-09 16:41:32

After someone says she's had a miscarriage, don't say any of the 'count your blessings' lines i.e.
'at least you know you can get pregnant', 'there was probably something wrong with it', 'at least you have 2 healthy children'.

The best response I had was 'that's just sh*t'. Acknowledge that it's a bad thing and don't try to cheer her up by telling her why she shouldn't be sad about it.

OracleInaCoracle Fri 05-Jun-09 16:48:26

merry, agree. just "thats shit" is enough.

shineon, i do understand that, but if someone has been ttc for a long time its unlikely to be stress thats the problem.

makipuppy Fri 05-Jun-09 16:55:52

I think it's important to say something real, not be glib and definitely avoid faux-Zen rubbish like, 'everything happens for a reason' etc. I agree with merrymonsters - you have to acknowledge that it's a pile of crap and not their fault.

slushy06 Fri 05-Jun-09 17:00:00

I like to be reminded of the good things in my life when I am experiencing a difficult time saying 'thats shit' would make me burst in to tears. I would then be mortified as I dont like crying in front of others. Its all about the person and unless you know them well you don't always know what will make them feel better. As long as the intentions are good I don't get annoyed.

WhaleOilBeefHooked Fri 05-Jun-09 17:15:13

That makes sense slushy. What annoys one person won't necessary annoy another. You can't control what others say to you but you can control the way you react to it. If things are said with good intentions, what's the harm?

JessJess3908 Fri 05-Jun-09 17:21:17

YABU - you said "we'll wait and see what happens" so their line about relaxing was meant to reinforce your choice not to start any medical intervention.

MaggieBee Fri 05-Jun-09 17:29:09

I've learnt a lot about what's very annoying on parenting fora tbh. I wouldn't have known what I know now 7 yrs ago.

But I've taken it on board and I bite back what I ONCE thought were harmless questions or remarks.

I was annoyed by people (at work, not even friends) asking me if my pregnancy was planned or not (presumably beacuse I wasn't married). I used to say well I'm 31 and I have a reasonably good job so what do you think?). Some people would say, yeah, but was it planned and you're jsut glad now, or did you actually plan it? Unbelievable nosiness!

paisleyleaf Fri 05-Jun-09 17:31:45

infertility etiquette

MaggieBee Fri 05-Jun-09 17:40:53

A friend of mine who's had ivf asked me if I got pregnant easily. I hesitated for a second before just answering yes. I hope that was the right thing to do. I didn't want to lie and pretend that I knew what she'd been through. But it was horrible saying that to her. Even though I was grateful that that one area of my life had gone 'easily'.

GYo Fri 05-Jun-09 17:45:39

Tangent here on the fertility etiquette:

I was told I'd never have kids (by a dr when I was 16- based on poor cycles, nice thing to say! hmm )

Later diagnosed with PCOS, wasnt looking good as cylces non existent.

By some miracle, I was one of those annoying people who fell pregnant first time.

Is it wrong to mention that when people ask how long it took TTC (usually others with pcos) ???

I've been made to feel crap for this, doesnt seem fair since I had years of assuming I'd be childless.

OracleInaCoracle Fri 05-Jun-09 17:47:02

if you have been ttc for a long time and reply "we'll see" the implication is "i really don't want to discuss it. it is very painful and exhausting" after a long time (over a year) the problem is less likely to be lack of yoga and more likely to be medical.

maggiebee, sounds good to me!

paisleyleaf, good link!

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