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to have tried to sort things out and made them worse? (link to post this relates to)

(14 Posts)
bluenosebear Thu 04-Jun-09 21:01:04

Some of you may remember http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/ami_beingunreasonable/763507-to-be-cross-that-my-Dad-spent-his-whole-v ist and I'm sorry if I've done that wrong!

Dad called yesterday to ask me if I want someone's old bedroom furniture, I said yes, but would like to know more. Vague details. Stepmum called today. Apparantly I missed her calls to landline and mobile (didn't know). She called me while I was feeding toddler, and said that some of the furniture has been sold and wasn't sure what, and I sounded off, was I OK? I said yes, just feeding baby. She said OK and hung up. Dad called back, spoke to DH about the furniture. DH wanted to get measurements, Dad got knocky and said to just forget it. DH said to give him a min and we'd measure up. Reason being, we don't have the money to buy a new mattress, so the bedframe would have to fit the old one. DH called back, said no thank you. Dad got really upset, blamed me and that I'd been "off" with stepmum.

I called back, I wanted to sort things out as there was obviously something going on I wasn't aware of. Stepmum answered, I explained that I hadn't been off, just pre-occupied. DSM replied that I HAD been off, she wasn't making it up. I tried to say no, but she was convinced there was a problem. She decided that I was being argumentative (I wasnt - very meek and explanitory) and that the best thing she could do was not come over. I tried to say no, that's not it but she got upset and passed the phone to Dad, who had clearly already decided I was being unreasonable having just heard her side of the conversation.

I tried to say to dad that I was just busy, not being off but no, I WAS off. Not wanting the furniture was the last straw apparantly, they'd already agreed to pay for it. I told him that I had wanted more details, and that when DSM called she said that something had been sold from the set and not sure what. Dad said DSM would never say that, and that I make stuff up on the spot. DSM has a medical condition which makes her memory unreliable, so I asked if she could be mistaken. He said yes she could, but not about this. So, I'm a liar. He tried to say that I'm not a liar but make stuff up on the spot (not sure how this differs to lying) and we had to agree to disagree on that. Somehow the other day came up, and I explained that I felt really bad, and being got at for half an hour upset me, especially the suggestion that I leave my DH over some bits not yet put away. Dad asked DSM if she had said that, she said yes she had and Dad said I was making a fuss. I tried to explain why things weren't away, but he wasn't really listening at this point.

I asked him not to judge me based on half an hour of seeing me and a little bit of my lounge. Somehow he thought that I hadn't put ANYTHING away! I said I was doing it a bit at a time, and reminded him I had a 15 month old. he started on about wires hanging around again, and I said that if he had asked if we were sorting out wires I would have said yes, but instead he just went on the attack about how dangerous they are. We were in fact waiting on some bits to be posted to us so we could tuck them away but that was irrelevent to him.

Then Dad said he was disappointed that he was away for 2 weeks, and I hadn't bothered to call Nan. I told him I had, 4 times but no answer. Again he decided I actually hadn't tried, and that she had called me and I hadn't picked up. I have no missed calls on my mobile, and if the house phone rings I pick up. I don't have caller ID. He didn't believe me about this either. DH tried to call too, about 5 times so between us we tried to call her 9 times over 14 days and got no answer. All lies according to The Word Of Dad. Call ended up with Dad saying he was late for a dinner appointment, and the best thing they can do is stay away!

I'm gobsmacked. Not once did I raise my voice, argue or anything and he actually laughed at me at one point and told me I was making a fuss over nothing. I'd like to not see them for a while but he has to come over Tuesday (unavoidable as he's doing much needed work on my house) and I don't know what to say when he comes.

Sorry for the long rant I have actually shortened it and it's still long, I hate families!

HecatesTwopenceworth Thu 04-Jun-09 21:06:22

let them stay away.

Stop bending over backwards for them.

Get on with your own life, see them on your terms or not at all.

Re this work - is he the type to hold it over your head? "I did X for you" everytime you disagree? You forever owe him? If so - do you really need that?

Ronaldinhio Thu 04-Jun-09 21:11:51

just leave it

sounds like a nightmare of epic proportion

DorisIsAPinkDragon Thu 04-Jun-09 21:12:29

I remember your last post (link hasn't worked) It sounds very much like you need to put some distance between yourself and your father. DO NOT WORRY about what HE thinks you are a grown woman and do not need to justify or explain yourself to him.

If at all possible I would look into other ways of getting the work done or just live with it.

Maybe give it a couple of days to settle and gather your thoughts and explain how he has made you feel in a letter. but DO NOT APOLOGISE you have done nothing wrong!!!! The letter option is good as he can not do as he has done today and throw more shit at you.

Take a step back as work out if you would accept this treatment from anybody else (I would guess No) then do not accept it from him. If he continues to phone you and demand/ accuse you tell him in a clear calm voice that you are not prepared to listen to this anymore when he is prepared to be civilised then you will listen and hang up.

Do not be bullied anymore

Good Luck

bluenosebear Thu 04-Jun-09 21:18:56

TY for your replies, I feel crap .

Hecates, no he won't hold it over my head. They'll probably just put it all down to me being off and ignore it and it won't ever be mentioned again.

Doris, a letter won't work, it will be classed as over dramatic and not read. Trust me. I haven't apologised, just told them how bad it made me feel thinking perhaps it might make them stop and think but it hasn't. The work he's doing is actually finished, he just wants to tweak a couple of bits as he's using it as an exam for his profession and I would never interfere with his work.

I feel like crying.

HecatesTwopenceworth Thu 04-Jun-09 21:22:14

I'm afraid the answer is for you to be stronger. I am not saying that to be horrible, but sometimes people are too nice, too afraid of conflict and they end up getting walked all over and left feeling like shit.

You need to take control. When they behave in an unacceptable way - call them on it NOT in an apologetic way, but in an assertive "you will NOT treat me like this, you will NOT dismiss my opinion" way.

You are an independant adult with a family of your own and you can take control. Believe in yourself.

Ronaldinhio Thu 04-Jun-09 21:44:14

it always seems harder to stand up for yourself against someone who used to change your nappy but you must.

It won't remain a struggle and you'll develop a healthy relationship that suit you better

I'm sorry you were so upset please try to imadine anyone else treating you that way and act on that if you can in future

bluenosebear Thu 04-Jun-09 23:01:10

I do find it hard to stand up to him, but lately I have done so and it's gone down verrrrry badly. How do you talk to someone who has already disregarded what you're about to say, and is going to carry on like nothing happened? You can't, so I'm not going to bother. I know his mum will call me, express disappointment and expect me to apologise. I don't have caller ID but tomorrow BT will get a call asking for it!

DorisIsAPinkDragon Fri 05-Jun-09 08:01:47

So they are both (him and his mum) bullying you!!

Do not worry if he thinks you are 'being overdramatic' it is another way of belittling you and 'putting you in your place' your opionions are seen as childish and therefore irrelvent.

It all comes back to distance again. You will need to be strong the fact that you have tried to stand up to hime recently and he has not responded as you would have hoped - I.e. not changed his behaviour to acknowledge you (very reasonable) requests says that you just need to be EVEN STRONGER. (if HE percieves that as overdramatioc hmm that's his problem NOT YOURS)

Have you looked at self assertiveness courses or something similar?? Just think if you can redefine how you rlate to your father how much more pleasant your life could be!!! smile

Good luck

Oh I'm sorry if I said anything to upset you before

JackBauer Fri 05-Jun-09 08:20:15

Oh bluenose, he sounds like an utter nightmare. I agree with those who say to stop trying to justify yourself, he is just going to make you feel worse whatever you say.
My father was a lot like this, he woudl have a conversation with me having already planned my responses, and would not listen to anything I said that deviated from this. It is enormously frustrating and you find yourself getting worked up to make your point and then are accused of getting worked up over nothing. Soudn familiar?

Essentially, what he is doing to you is abuse, pure and simple. I don't know what your mum was like but it sounds like your stepmum is following his lead (or is naturally a stirring bitchwink).
Definately get caller ID, take help from them if you need it but otherwise ignore them, I very much doubt he will change at this gtime of his life.

See if you can perfect the art of 'I'm sorry you think that' 'It's a shame you feel that way' and then saying nothing else. That might help not feed the constant stream oif negativity you are getting.

I am afraid I cannot be much mroe help than that as, for various other reasons as well, I haven't spoken to my father in 6 years now, and am much happier for it. Not suggesting you do this but I did, and I feel no guilt whatsoever.

And don't forget to post on here whenever you doubt yourself so we can all tell you what a twat he issmile

bluenosebear Fri 05-Jun-09 19:19:16

Ty for all your replies. Doris, don't think for a moment you've upset me, I appreciate any thoughts on this.

Jack, what a GREAT response. I'll have to try just saying "it's a shame you think that". I've been looking for something to say when he talks at me, and that's perfect. Oh, and my Mum is still around - she just left him! Naturally she sees my side, and says if I were argumentative she'd have told me.

He called today to make sure we were OK. I told him no, actually we weren't, and I was dissappointed he believed his wife over me without talking to me first. That got glossed over. I think I can handle Tuesday now .

Morloth Fri 05-Jun-09 19:34:01

Sounds like a whole bunch of unnecessary stress to me.

I would just leave them be and maybe ask your dad to not worry about doing work on the house. Sort this out yourself (either get DH to do it, pay someone else, or live with the problem).

One again, you teach people how to treat you and you are teaching them to treat you like a victim who can be bullied and messed about it.

GentlyDidIt Fri 05-Jun-09 20:11:17

Ugh, I hate that "You sound off, are you okay?" It's often employed by people who want something to go their way and won't accept no for an answer - they want to be able to say "She was really OFF with me" because they can't handle someone simply saying "No, but thank you for the offer."

JackBauer Sun 07-Jun-09 15:43:13

I missed your post, it disappeared down my list of threads but you sound a lot more positive at least.
Just keep a mental note going 'Ooh, MN are going to love this' 'I wonder if he knows what a twat he sounds like?' etc

#Sounds really bizarre but I used to predict my father's responses and when I got one right I would score myself, if I got over 5 then I bought chocolate for myself. Like I say, soudns mad but it's a coping mechanism and meant I could ignore the fact that he was saying such hurtful things to me.

In all hoesty I woudl have said 'yes, we're fine' and then got off the phone as fast as possible. Letting him know he has upset you gives him power over you. If you pretend it doesn't matter (because, let's face it, they couldn't give a shit if they upset us or not) then maybe he'll stop trying to get a rise out fo you like that.

Waffled again, sorry, hope you knwo what I mean there. Am glad you have your mum onside, I am so much closer to my mum since she left my dad, it does help to have one parent telling you that it isn't your fault, doesn't it?

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