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to feel like I am being pushed out of where I live ??

(23 Posts)
NervousNutty Thu 04-Jun-09 09:40:14

I probably am over reacting and I keep trying to make myself think that it really doesn't matter, but it keeps coming back to bit me on the bum.

Long story which i will try and shorten. I split with xp 3 years ago and eventually he got a flat in a block over the back of my house, so spitting distance. I wasn't totally happy about this because it is too close for comfort for me, but the kids were pleased so I learnt to live with it.

Before he got the flat he was living in a bedsit 2 buses away. Whilst he was there I discovered that he was seeing my friend (who lives same estate as me). I wasn't bothered that he was seeing someone, but I was bothered that it was someone who was supposed to be a friend, and also that they had been seeing each other in secret for a while and going on days out with her kids whilst he was telling me that he couldn't see our kids because he had no money for the bus.
My dd's were gutted especially as this womans ds was in dd2's class and he kept telling her he'd been to the park with her dad, been to his bedsit etc.

Anyhow, me and this 'friend' had a row and I have had nothing more to do with her since. I have to see her every day and she more often that not gives me a dirty look or mutters under her breath. I ignore and have been doing ok with that until now.

2 weeks ago xp's eldest dd from his first marriage, got a flat in this womens block. They already know each other as his dd also knew about the fling they had and became pally then.

Since then I have just felt really on edge and like I am not comfortable living round here anymore. The ex friend and xp's dd are now bestest buddies and have apparently been heard talking about me on more than one occasion, and then yesterday my friend said she saw ex friend whisper to someone and point as I walked past.

I know it sounds daft but it is making me feel anxious to even have to walk down the same street as them all at the moment. I know they obviousaly have very sad lives if all they can do is talk about me and make fun but now that there is ex friend, xp and his dd, I feel like I am outnumbered.

I am sure you will all think it daft, but it is making me feel shitty.

pjmama Thu 04-Jun-09 09:54:55

Rise above it and ignore them. The worst thing you can do is let them see its getting to you. They'll probably get bored of it eventually? Not very nice tho X

NervousNutty Thu 04-Jun-09 10:06:12


I think they will get bored of it eventually, but have a feeling it may get worse before it gets better.

I never respond to anything she says or does and tbh she just normally ends up making herself look daft ie telling me to 'kiss her ass' in a playground full of parents and kids.

I just wish they would all go away

pjmama Thu 04-Jun-09 10:10:26

Well there you go - she's just making herself look stupid whilst you retain your dignity by being a grown up so let her get on with it. She's a bully and they're always cowards at heart.

NervousNutty Thu 04-Jun-09 10:12:58

Thanks, I will try and remember that smile

NervousNutty Thu 04-Jun-09 16:50:40

Oh fgs, dd2 has just told me that yesterday exfriends ds kept saying to her that he was her nephews new uncle now hmm

And it has just clicked why dd2 has been in a foul mood for the last couple of days. She was the one most upset by all of this last time and she is obviously bothered by it all kicking off again.

tiredemma Thu 04-Jun-09 16:55:43

Cant you try for an exchange away from these morons again?

NervousNutty Thu 04-Jun-09 17:07:47

I am still on two exchange sites emma but no luck so far. I have asked for swaps in this area but opposite direction to schol, and Lichfield, although dd1 would not be happy with Lichfield.

I have other concnerns about the dd's growing up in this situation too at the mo, although thats mainly because my mum keeps going on about it. She thinks xp's dd is not a great role model for the dd's to be around and worries that dd1 in particular will start going there enroute to school in the future and it isn't a place I want her to be spending lots of time.

Don't get me wrong, I do want them to have contact with her and their nephew but preferably supervised.

Tortington Thu 04-Jun-09 17:10:13

do you get housing benefit?

have you considered private renting?

NervousNutty Thu 04-Jun-09 17:23:20

I do get housing benefit yes but tbh private renting would be my very last resort because of the chance of having to move repeatadly.

Also houses are pricey where I live so i'd have to top the HB up which I can't afford really.

I am prepared to move slightly out of area, and downsize, but I'm not prepared to compromise on a secondary school thats not as good as the one dd1 starts in Sept.

NervousNutty Sun 07-Jun-09 17:13:55

Ha it gets better. I asked xp if he could please try not to have anything to do with exfriend when the dc were with him as it stresses dd2 out.

He grinned, and I knew it I just knew it. He is seeing her again. Her kids have been round to his flat twice anbd whilst I do not object to him having a relationship with her, this is going to be too close for comfort for dd2 when her ds goes up to her at school and says 'i've been to your dads and we did xyz'


JessJess3908 Sun 07-Jun-09 17:32:44

YABU - he has a new life and it sounds like you deserve the chance of a fresh start too. You sound like you've got a council place? I presume you have already applied for a transfer and looked at home swap?

I wouldn't let go of it completely as if you do you may find that if/when you do go back to work and give up your benefits then you might have problems affording to rent privately.

It's horrible that he has decided to hang around your old life like a bad smell - the fucker. All you can do is get on with your life, keep moving onwards and upwards so that him and the exfriend feel like the ones who are living in the past.

I really feel for your DC's, you can't help that he is being a crap dad. He is only being nice to these kids as he is trying to impress her, he will tire of them eventually and then wonder why his actual kids don't make the effort to see him when he is a lonely old man sitting in a old people's home that smells of wee.

NervousNutty Sun 07-Jun-09 17:35:12

Oh it won't last anyway, i know her too well and she is only interested in games. It was a game to her last time but he seems to have forgotten that.

Just pisses me off that it will involve the kids again and dd2 in particular will have to endure taunts from her ds about it all.

I am on homeswapper, but not on my own HA's transfer list as they don't have stock in any other area I want.

I do not begrudge him moving on, it is just the way he does it.

FenellaFudge Sun 07-Jun-09 17:52:55

How old is your DD2?
The looks and whispers you are getting just show this woman to be ridiculous and petty and I think you are dealing with it in exactly the right way.
Wrt your DD2, perhaps try to change her perception of the situation? Putting aside your own feelings about the relationship explain to her that dad is in a new relationship and that that is a really good thing if it makes him happy, that this will mean that he will be spending time with the GF's kids but that does not detract in any way from him being her father.
He definitely needs a kick up the arse in temrs of making the effort to see your dc, do you have the kind of relationship where this kind of thing can be discussed rationally?
In the best case scenario, with all the adults behaving like adults and keeping any negativity away from the children then this doesn't have to be a bad situstion or one that is upsetting for your dd.

NervousNutty Sun 07-Jun-09 18:29:45

Oh he does see them regularly now.

My dd2's view of this woman isn't likely to change now though as she saw her screaming and shouting at me whilst I was waiting for a bus when it all kicked off last time.
Dd2 really dislikes her and with good reason.

He is just like last time, failing to see how this effects our dc, and just keeps saying that I can't tell him who to see. I'm not trying to, I just won't allow her anywhere near my kids or alow her ds to make dd feel uncomfortable.

I am not going to mention it to him again so long as he sticks to his agreement to keep the kids away from her and her kids.

knockedgymnast Sun 07-Jun-09 18:33:44

Don't you dare move. I'm afraid this is one of those situations that you will have to ride out. It will come right in the end - It always does.

Good luck smile

CarGirl Sun 07-Jun-09 18:43:37

I can't believe it's 3 years shock how time has flown.

Sorry that your ex is still being a twunt.

Give your dd extra hugs and remind her that the boy is being a show off!

NervousNutty Sun 07-Jun-09 20:31:38

Yeah 3yrs, how time flies when you are having fun hey lol.

I have spoken to dd about it briefly. She gets visibly stressed when i mention it so I just said to tell me if there were any problems with the lad at school and to come and tell me if she wanted to talk about anything.

Tbh if i could move tommorow i would, I am just so sick of the whole thing now. It was bad enough last time, i didn't know which way was up for a good while and felt ill i got so stressed about it all.

Will just have to see how it goes.

CarGirl Sun 07-Jun-09 20:56:27

I still get the feeling that your ex just won't properly move on and let you have a life. Why live over the back, why date your friend etc etc etc.

Hope something comes up eventually.

NervousNutty Sun 07-Jun-09 21:38:55

Yes thats exactly it.

NervousNutty Tue 09-Jun-09 21:29:42

Ok, change of plan, I am not moving anywhere.

I sat today uploading pics of my house to put on a swap website. When I sat and played them through on a slideshow, I thought wtf am I doing. My house was a shithole when i moved in, and whilst it is far from perfect now, I have done so much to it, and even more so since xp left.

My kids all have their own rooms and plenty of room downstairs and outside too. Dd1 starts an excellant secondary school in sept and the area is on the whole lovely.

So excuse my laguage but fuck them. I was here first, and I fought like fuck to get this house, so I am not moving.

If they want to carry on acting like children then thats up to them, but I will not be forced out of my home because of it.

Louby3000 Tue 09-Jun-09 21:42:11

Your ex is a right idiot isnt he??! You have the high ground here so stride with confidence. grin

CarGirl Thu 11-Jun-09 15:23:10

Good for you!

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