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AIBU?

Work, Home the whole lot.

16 replies

dmmum · 03/06/2009 14:31

HELP! - I have 2 DS aged 4 & 6, I have 3 part time jobs equating to 4 days a week. DH works long hours and is often away over the summer especially at weekends. I am at the end of my tether. I am in debt, DH doesnt know how much - as he helped me out last year and will be furious if finds out, so I cant leave any jobs!

He comes back from working away or the next morning from a long night and the first thing he does is be lovely to the children and then moans about state of the house or garden! Not always in that order! I am well down the priorities. I have also put loads of weight on and although he doesnt say I look horrible- he does keep mentioning I should exercise more. But when! I get into a routine and then he tells me he is working or going out! I have little help from the family as mine live miles away and his parents do 2 pick ups a week and will not babysit after 7.

Sorry such a long rant but I am really fed up!(sad)

OP posts:

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BonsoirAnna · 03/06/2009 14:33

Why are you in debt? What are you spending your money on?

dmmum · 03/06/2009 14:38

Partly day to day living and when I an fed up I sometimes treat myself or DC. Not done for a while and am paying it off slowly - why I got the other jobs- should all be paid off by next year. I know its a stupid thing to do.

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 03/06/2009 14:39

Do you and your DH pool your money? Why shouldn't he help you repay your debts if they are going towards feeding the family?

slushy06 · 03/06/2009 14:43

He should be contributing to household income if you are a couple if not then he has no right to comment on cleanliness of house or your weight. In fact I would be annoyed if my dp did and we live together all the time.

MorrisZapp · 03/06/2009 14:43

Come clean about the debt. You're married and have kids, problems like this should be shared.

dmmum · 03/06/2009 14:50

We do not have joint accounts as he thinks I should be able to manage my money. DH said if I got in debt again he would kick me out. I think he was only joking but couldn't take the hassle.

The weight issue is because he is worried about my health. I am sure all will be ok. Just needed to off load rubbish day. Thanks for your support.

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 03/06/2009 14:54

But does he contribute to the food bills and money for the kids activities etc? It sounds like you have some talking to do - I really don't understand his and her's money situations.

bloomingnora · 03/06/2009 14:55

Please please please go to the forums on Martin Lewis' website for help tackling the debt. Lots of non-judgemental help and excellent practical advice - debt free wannabe board. Keep your chin up xx

amidaiwish · 03/06/2009 14:56

i think you really need to sit down with him and discuss money
you cannot work 4 days per week and look after 2 DCs without a lot more support than this. honestly it's not possible.

money in should be household money imo.
sit down and work out a budget
including treats for dcs.

honestly, you have some big discussions to have. have them before it is too late to work it through. and take care of yourself.

potoftea · 03/06/2009 15:03

Leave aside the debt issue for now, and talk to your dh about the rest of the stuff.

You have 2 young children, which is a job in itself, and are working 4 days, so almost a full time job outside the home. And you are expected to look after the home and garden as well

While he works away, and long hours, it's also his responsibility to contribute time and effort to the house too.

Maybe keep a diary of what you do with your time over a week while he is away, then show it to him, and ask him to help you figure out how better to manage your time and plan some time to exercise too. It may make him realise that this can't go on for you.

slushy06 · 03/06/2009 15:15

Does he contribute to child care costs and general bills. Also I presume the house is in his name as he said he would kick you out. In which case his money should pay for at least some of the mortgage.

dmmum · 03/06/2009 16:14

He pays for the mortgage and lots of others I pay gas, elec, home ins and other it was all fine, but as am home in holidays its really the Dc treats, clothes etc. We do share the big shop bills, but just the birthday presents for friends, kids clothes etc.

He will help around the house but it is more of a case of "I did the ............. for you" or "I will babysit will you go swimming etc".

I guess it is more of a case of feeling that he does things for me whilst I am expected to just do it.

The house is in both our names, he is normally a good DH, he has just been away alot and feel lonely and when he is tired it is hard to talk to him. I like the idea of a diary tho and website idea.

OP posts:

amidaiwish · 03/06/2009 17:38

if it was all fine, then it sounds like he isn't being a total git, you just need to talk and for him to realise how things have changed since the dcs have got older. It is expensive taking them places, an apple juice costs £1.50 when you're out for eg! It's quite easy to get through a fair bit of money in the holidays.

i have spent years training dh not to say "i'll unload the dishwasher for you"

he still says it sometimes but goes "oh, not For you just i've done it" and we laugh. but honestly it did take a while, and i think it's just a mindset they can get in and they don't mean it.

you're tired as well though. try and sit down and talk to him calmly, not in an argument, just as a "we need to work out a plan because the current one isn't working"

Sago · 03/06/2009 17:59

I used to work and earn money. Like you, we had separate bank accounts and divided up who pays for what....I often struggled to meet the end of the month debt free and had no extra money for my treats etc. I realised the distribution was not equal, esp as I ended up paying for children's activities, days out, presents for parties etc as it was easier to do than to go asking DH to sign cheques etc.
What about setting up a joint account out of which household stuff gets paid? You sit down and decide how much goes on the household and each put in x amount a month, a percentage of what you earn, so he might end up putting more in. That way you can keep your own seperate accounts for other stuff.
I am momentarily a sahm - he earns, I spend! I must say moneywise it has been a relief for me, I manage the finances and we have saved loads on childcare. I wonder how we will go when I return to work.
As for the housework, there's also a clear division of labour - i do it all ;-( so no advice to give there, sorry

Triggles · 03/06/2009 19:08

If they are his children, it is NOT called babysitting - it's called parenting!!! The care of the kids is just as much his responsibility as it is yours.

slowreadingprogress · 03/06/2009 19:55

have you told him that "i did...for you" and 'babysitting' his own kids is ridiculous and unacceptable?

Why is it 'for you' when you work pretty much full time anyway?

Sounds like he needs a wake up call to how reality actually is - I guess your hours have crept up but he's still thinking of you as a SAHM. TBH I think it is time for a huge talk; you need to be splitting things almost down the middle re the kids and the house.

No way should you accept his commenting on the 'state' of the house. I'd hit the roof!

finances, well everyone's different - but personally I think it's best if all money goes into one bill account and then (if there's any left) you have equal amounts to spend in your own account. I do realise that this is an individual thing though - but DH and I find it fair.

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